Thread by @warikoo

Mistakes I made in my relationships

A thread...

I always sugar coated my feedback, even when I felt strongly that they had done something wrong.
I felt I would come across as rude.
I felt they will feel bad about themselves.

People who wish to grow always seek feedback.
Diluting the feedback is disrespectful to them.

I always wanted to know how I could help them.
I always wanted to know what was wrong.
But I never shared how they could help me.
Even when asked, I never shared what was wrong at my end.

People want the joy of being able to help you, just as much as you seek that joy from them.

I continued to be in toxic friendships, because how could I be selfish and leave them now?
I continued to be friends with people who had long stopped growing, just because we'd been friends for long.

Sometimes killing a relationship is the only way to save yourself from it.

I thought it is my responsibility to keep the other person happy.
If they are unhappy, then I am at fault, I am incapable, I am inadequate.

The best relationships are those where people take responsibility for their own happiness.

I felt I will keep my parents happy with the money I make.
I will send them on vacations, buy them things, make their life comfortable.
But the busier I got, the less happy they were, despite all the things they now had.

Relationships do not need things to grow.
They need time.

I justified spending insane hours at work because I was doing this for "our future"
And the next thing I know, our son was 4 years old.

Relationships may or may not have a future.
But all of them have a present.
This moment, right now.
The relationship needs this moment.

I became friends with my colleagues, but that made it hard for me to be direct and radical with them.
My friendship superseded my responsibility as a leader.
I started to fail as a leader, while being a good friend.

A relationship can take multiple avataars.

If we do not know which is the most important one for us at that point of time in life, we will fail in all versions of the relationship.

After the birth of our first child, my wife dedicated herself to become a mother.
While I needed her to still play the role of my friend and partner.
I felt dismissed when the mother in her took over my friend.

People change.
They always do.
Because of which relationships also change.

If you keep telling people "you have changed", then it is most likely you who has to change.

I always wanted to solve people's problems.
I heard them out and my instant reaction thereafter was to make a plan to fix things.
I thought I was being helpful in the relationship.

Quite often, the best gift you can give a relationship is the ability to listen.
Just listen.

It angered me that my parents did not understand why I left my PhD, why I left my cushy consulting job, why I left my startup.
They don't understand me, was all that I could think of.

It have been easy though for me to see how their life experiences had shaped their reality.

In a relationship, it is always easy to think "they don't understand me"

How often do we ask, "do I understand them?"

I craved for acknowledgement in all my relationships.
I craved for a "thank you" whenever I did something.
I craved for a "you are awesome" whenever I helped someone.

If people didn't acknowledge, they were not doing their part in a relationship.

Acknowledgement doesn't always comes in words.
It also comes through actions.
Sometimes even through silence, if you care enough to listen.

If you crave for acknowledgement, you may or may not find it.
If you do things without it's need, you will find it in surprising ways.

For the longest time I blamed myself for everything.
I was inadequate.
I was responsible.
I was incapable.
I was wrong.
I was a failure.

And that affected my relationships.
I over compensated.
I was needy.
I sought validation.

Once a friend asked me, when was the last time you shouted at someone, were rude to someone, abused someone, hurt someone, blamed someone?

I couldn't remember and replied, "not anytime recently"

"Then how is it that you do the same things to yourself?"

That's when it struck me.

At times the most toxic relationship you have to save yourself from, is the one you have with your own self.

I realize today, that almost all the mistakes I made in my relationships, stemmed from the relationship I had with my own self.

And the day I was able to fix my relationship with myself, I gave myself the opportunity to fix all my relationships.

I still suffer from imposter syndrome, I still think of myself as a failure, I know I have let so many people down

But the difference is that of these thoughts drive me to become a better person, as against shutting me down.
I find strength from my failures.

Because today, I chose to define my success and my failure, instead of allowing the world to define it for me.

My relationship with myself today is one where I am aware of what I am feeling and I try to answer why, almost always.
Its a relationship that grows

Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.
- Seneca

PS: I have also written about my tumultuous relationship with money here

https://twitter.com/warikoo/status/1309359160077750272?s=20

PS: And my incredible relationship with time (one of the best ones I have had!)

https://twitter.com/warikoo/status/1281498178135756801?s=20