Thread by @DutchNewsNL

It's that time, folks. We are sober. We don't want to be here. We don't want to be living during a global pandemic. We really don't want to be staring at the coif of a certain health minister.

But here we are.

You can follow along on YouTube if you want. We don't recommend it.

There have already been leaks. If you want to have a beer in a bar tonight, you better do it in the next fifteen minutes. dutchnews.nl/news/2020/10/c…

It's real bad out there so maybe just stay home and get delivery. Gall and Gall delivers for godssake.

We are sober and very unhappy about it. dutchnews.nl/news/2020/10/c…

We are drinking green tea. We wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, including our ex who broke up with us via Twitter DM and STILL WATCHES OUR INSTAGRAM STORIES.

Ok look the Johnny Bravo knock off and his boss are here. Let's go.

Prime Minister Mark Rutte (who appears to style his hair with rubber cement) is starting us off. "Stories about corona are very close."

He says that 75% of the regular care in hospitals will have to be cancelled if the numbers keep growing.

This leads to a lot of health damage, he says. People with complaints don't go to the doctor and vulnerable people don't leave their house anymore.

These are the disrupting consequences of corona. (THESE? NOT THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD? FORGET DRS ORDERS I NEED A DRINK STATE)

Yesterday, he say, I had a meeting, online of course, with seven people whose lives have been upended.

We will go into a partial lockdown he says. (But is it an intelligent lockdown or have we given up on that?) The number of social contacts and the amount of movement will have to be reduced drastically.

(Someone find the tweet where we said this the last time, we do not have the energy for this.)

For companies who are influenced by these measures, there will be another support package. (Glad you're saving capitalism, buddy.)

Huge is gonna tell us more he says, deflecting his responsibility to a guy who can't figure out how to comb his hair properly.

For education, nothing changes. Education is too important he says.

The measures will start tomorrow at 10PM so while corona takes a break you can go to the bar tonight.

In all cases: if you are not a household, keep your distance. (Drink if this was on your bingo card.)

Cafes and restaurants will close, also terraces and coffeeshops (please send us photos of the line out the door from the coffeeshops again please)

He says that the transmissions in horeca are relatively contained (which is why they are closing, right?) but this is about avoiding big groups.

Alcohol sales will stop (at grocery stores) at 20:00.

"No drinking and carrying on after 8." (Welp that's going to ruin our Wednesday plans.)

A max of 80 people per venue (Thought we were trying to avoid large groups...?), Theaters and congress centers can have 30 people max. The exception is churches, demonstrations and democratic instantiations.

For people who are not a household, a max group of four outside of the house. 4=4 no discussions, unless of course you're a government minister who wants to get married.

In your house it is a max of three people per day. No rotating birthday parties Dutch people. WE SEE YOU.

Events are banned: Open air concerts, BBQS, carnivals.

Nothing changes for zoos and museums. Markets can continue (sure totally makes sense.) There can be no koopavond, everything has to shut at 20:00.

Supermarkets must have special hours for vulnerable people. They are going to talk to supermarkets about being more strict. (What have you been doing for the last week?)

Work from home. Rutte says that we see this advice isn't followed strictly (at all.) They are talking with employers and unions.

For the upcoming autumn holidays: Don't go somewhere red or orange (DUH!!!). Stay in your holiday house and max four people.

THE MOMENT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR: MONDKAPJES

Oh wait they still can't figure out how to do this legally so no mondkapjes but you really should wear them Rutte says.

It is up to us, Rutte says. (It is also up to the government to set rules that help but don't tell him that.)

And now we go to the Sha Na Nas impersonator and health minister Hugo de Jonge.

Two weeks ago, he says, we had 3.000 infections. Now we have 7.600. (And this used car salesman told us it could get up to 6.000 the last time so that worked out well.)

We now have 1,410 people in the hospital and infections have doubled in care homes. (Really too bad you didn't do something earlier!!!)

People with corona are sick for weeks he says. People are waiting for treatment, people have been in crisis mode for months. We cannot ask them to go on like this forever.

The goal of this lockdown Tis to have fewer contacts. We can't rely on a vaccine, which would be here the earliest in 2021 and even then only the first rounds.

Before we are back to normal. we will go into a period of being at home a lot. (I thought we were supposed to be doing this all along!!1)

Oh great, we've got another map with FOUR risk levels now. Before there were three. Spiffy.

This kinda sorta lockdown will go on for four weeks. They will evaluate in two weeks. If it's not going well after two weeks, we will go into a full lockdown. (What happens then? They close grocery stores an hour earlier?)

"I understand the measures cause discussion," says de Jonge. (Sure buddy you handle our Twitter mentions for a day and you can complain about that.)

Let's do this.

NOS: We see a lot of business that do well, why close?

Because it's impossible to legislate that you absolute wanker?

Ok ok actually answer: Rutte says it's because the numbers are so high. Most horeca did good but it's not good enough.

Second question: Mondkapjes - will they be required and when?

Rutte says they have talked a lot about it. (Oh great, this is like me trying to decide what vacuum cleaner to buy. I talked about it a lot and am still using the same one I have had for ten years.)

Rutte says legally it is tricky to make mondkapjes obligatory. (Buddy you have had six months to figure this out what have you been doing exactly.)

Next question: Are we behind?

No it's going great. Have you not been watching the same press conference we have?

Rutte says we cannot do contract tracing anymore, the numbers are too high. (Did you ever do it though...?) We need to get the virus under control.

People will think "here we go again." How do you keep motivated? Rutte says if we do this again, we can get the virus under control. (Which is what you said the last time but here we are.)

Here's a worthwhile question: Why is it going so much faster in the Netherlands than in other EU countries?

Too many people don't keep to the measures, Rutte says. (Oh are you saying the southern europeans are better at keeping to the rules?!?!?)

"The final cause is our behavior" Rutte says. (And the fact that there are basically no measures and the government has failed at contact tracing and testing. MINOR DETAILS.)

FOLLOW UP QUESTION (GIVE THIS LADY A PRIZE): Oh so Dutch people keep to the rules less? Rutte says: I won't do a social analysis.

WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD THERE, HELMET HAIR

There is a lot of resistance to masks. Are you afraid the protests will increase? Rutte says no he thinks they will add clarity to the measures. They do help some, he admits for the first time since the beginning of all of this.

A question about horeca: Rutte says infections don't start at home and they have seen an increase in horeca workers testing positive.

Rutte says that there aren't very many places with no infections or few infections, so these rules are countrywide. After four weeks, we will go back to regional measures.

(How can you have regional measures in a country that is basically an overgrown metro area in any reasonable country?)

The R is 1.3 and that's the same as two weeks ago. (PERHAPS BECAUSE CLOSING THE BARS TWO HOURS EARLY ISN'T A MEASURE?!?!)

"There is very little sunshine in the numbers, says the government's official Greaser.

(Thank you for telling us what we've been saying for weeks and can all read on your stupid website and the media has been saying, etc.)

De Jonge says that things are so bad that they can't do contract tracing so until the numbers are lowered, we have to go back into lockdown.

If we look at March and April? (Who can think that far ahead?)

Ok he meant the previous March and April but that was nine years ago, who can remember it? Anyway de Jonge says that the uncertainty was much higher then.

Is this compatible with an intelligent lockdown?

De Jonge says yes. (Excuse us while we laugh for five to seven minutes.)

He says that if the numbers don't change, a full lockdown is unavoidable. A follow up question: Like closing schools and care homes? Yes, says de Jonge, if the numbers don't go down.

Is it possible to make masks mandatory via the corona law? De Jonge says it's possible but that law will come into effect in November and they want it to be done sooner.

(Wear a mask, law or not.)

The infections started going up in July but that lasted until September until the first measures. Can you say that you were fouled by exponential growth? De Jonge says that if the measures had an effect, but it's more about the behavior. (We cannot give us the gin.)

De Jonge says that if we get to an R of 0.8 we can go back to regional measures.

Another question about masks: Is there a medical argument to change the requirement? Rutte says: medically it does something. We are just going to do it now, he says. (Other than the part where they can't legally mandate it but ya know.)

At the start, there were quite a few fines. Now there are nearly none. What will happen now? Rutte says yes the fines will go up. Offices and companies will be forced to close. Groups of larger than 4 will be broken up. If a shop is too busy, it will close.

You said the measures had no effect on the numbers (he did in fact say this like five minutes ago) So should we conclude it wasn't enough?

De Jonge says no (of course) He says that there is no reason to assume it will go in the right direction. (THEN WHAT WE ARE DOING?)

He says that he had hoped to see more of a trend change but so far has not.

God someone hire him to sell used cars again, we can't deal with this anymore.

Rutte says that the advice is basically the same as what the Outbreak Management Team Recommends. (At the last press conference, he said they deviated somewhat.)

What would have done differently asks NU.nl? Rutte says the communication would have been different.

(Deep breath)

(More deeeeep breaths)

(Nope we are still breathing and cannot continue)

Rutte says they haven't been successful in changing people's behavior. "I would have liked to have been more effective in telling the Netherlands that the behavior is required."

(CRAZY IDEA: Make the behavior required)

Why is quarantine not required? (That's another thing that's not legally required.) De Jonge says it's not easy to do and they have been looking into it.

There are a lot of campaigns for several target groups, in different languages, etc. (We're not getting any money for this!) De Jonge says there are but mostly regionally.

You count on a vaccine in 2021. Why do you expect this? Based on the progress of the vaccine producers.

De Jonge says that there are 3 companies under contract, 3 that should be soon and 1 that is expected to make a vaccine.

(We don't know about gyms. We don't go to the gym. We just lift bottles of gin. We'll put the full list of measures up on the website when the press conference is over.)

Rutte says that it isn't just about the wardens enforcing measures but also people taking responsibility for their behavior. If you see it's busy, take action. Don't go in if it's busy.

Will we be able to sit a bar before the spring? Rutte says he doesn't know. We will look at it step by step.

Would the measures mean the end for theaters and horeca? Rutte says there are support packages and they will increase the measures as well. He says they realize what impact the measures will have on bars and restaurants.

Last week, RIVM said about 4% of infections were coming from schools, compared to less on horeca. So why do schools stay open while bars shut?

De Jonge says "So kids can go to school."

(ok this was funny.)

De Jonge says it's more than measures, it's about limiting groups and contacts. And it's about the sum total. De Jonge says that what you see is that a cluster in horeca is much larger than in other places.

De Jonge says that horeca employees are over represented in infections as well.

So why do schools stay open? De Jonge says that they know the schools aren't the driver and that the damage for children not going to school is very high.

Ok that's it. We will have a story up shortly.

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Here ya go! dutchnews.nl/news/2020/10/t…

Forget gin, the folks in Leiden are already queued up for that whacky tabcky. (No we weren't popular in high school, why do you ask?)

"Not even the good coffeeshop" says @SieboldMagnolia who sent us the photo.

There are...so many questions. We're sorry if we missed yours. Honestly, it's the lack of gin.

We hear you. We are now working on a story about the legal issues around masks and quarantine which will hopefully be published tomorrow.