Thread by @garius

How I'd write this

MURRAY: Right. We've texted the MPs. To try and pick them off one by one
TUCKER: Texted them?
MURRAY: Yes
TUCKER: Now?
MURRAY: Yes
TUCKER: While they're all standing together, next to Andy fucking Burnham, on fucking LIVE TV?!
MURRAY: Oh
TUCKER: FUCKING 'OH'?!

https://twitter.com/lewis_goodall/status/1318584283049693186

MURRAY: Okay, that may have been a mistake.
TUCKER: A fucking mistake?! You fucking think so Nicola?
GLENN: They might not show him.
TUCKER: They might not show him?! They might not show little fucking Harry Stark? Or Robb Potter? Or whatever the fuck his internet meme is now?!

GLENN: Well they might not.
TUCKER: Well I tell you what Glenn, why don't I turn on the TV and... oh look.
GLENN: Oh.
TUCKER: Oh yes. Glenn. Welcome to the fucking 'Oh' club. Current members: You two and fucking Skeletors minions.

JAMIE: That's a bit harsh, Malcolm.
TUCKER: Oh is it, Jamie? Which bit exactly?
JAMIE: Um...
TUCKER: No, do speak up. Or - tell you what - how about I go on live TV and you can text it to me?
JAMIE: Um.. the Skeletor bit.

TUCKER: Oh aye. You know what. That's fucking fair enough.
GLENN: What?
JAMIE: It is?
TUCKER: Aye, you're right. I'm being fucking unfair Skeletor's minions. Because even they had fucking uses. You could at least wipe your fucking ARSE on Beastman. Glenn here would just slide off

MURRAY: Steady on Malcolm.
TUCKER: Steady on?!
MURRAY: Mistakes have been made and we need to...
TUCKER: Mistakes have NOT been made, Nicola. Mistakes are not dipping your hand in your pocket and pulling out a measely extra five million to stop the fucking north rebelling.

TUCKER: This isn't a mistake. This is a fuck up. That is a whole other level. A fuck up is when you take fucking northern penfold, fucking.... Andy Pandy there, and turn him into the biggest fucking northern hero since William fucking Wallace.

JAMIE: Um.
TUCKER: Oh, it's the fucking Um club again. The only bunch more fucking useless than the Oh club. What?
JAMIE: Hereward the Wake.
TUCKER: You what?
JAMIE: You said William Wallace.
TUCKER: And?
JAMIE: You meant Hereward the Wake.

MURRAY: Gents, i'm not sure this is the time to be arguing about medieval...
TUCKER: Shush
MURRAY: Righto
TUCKER: I meant Wallace.
JAMIE: No, okay, it's just Hereward the Wake was the one from Lincolnshire. Wallace was a Scot
TUCKER: No he wasn't.

JAMIE: Um...
TUCKER: Jamie, are you really going to fucking stand there, and argue with ME about who is Scottish and who isn't?
GLENN: Jamie, that does sound like a bad...
TUCKER: You can shush too.
GLENN: Righto.
JAMIE: Sorry, but Wallace was Scottish.

TUCKER: Jamie, I've seen Braveheart. And let me tell you right now. If you think that man was fucking Scottish. I am going to put my hand so far down your throat I could reach out your arse and text a Manchester MP with it, live on the fucking BBC.
JAMIE: Righto.

TUCKER: Which brings us right back to the fucking issue at hand here.
MURRAY: Right. So tell me how I make things better.
TUCKER: We'll you could fucking resign for a start and let someone competent have ago.
MURRAY: Tell me how ELSE I can make things better.

TUCKER: Well what you do, is you pick up the phone there, and you ring the newly crowned King of the fucking North, while he's still gathering his fucking armies, and you tell him that WASN'T the full package you planned.

MURRAY: Right. Okay so...
TUCKER: Wait.
MURRAY: What?
TUCKER: What are you doing?
MURRAY: You told me to phone him!
TUCKER: Not fucking now!
MURRAY: Why not?!

TUCKER: Anyone in the room?! Any members of the Oh or Um club want to answer?
JAMIE: Um...
TUCKER: Go on son. Do it for the ums.
JAMIE: Um... because he's still on TV?
TUCKER: There we go. Good work The Ums. The Ums have it. 1-0 to the Ums.
MURRAY: Oh.

TUCKER: Jesus Christ Nicola. Let little Andy get off TV, take his mac off and have a little victory wank first. Then ring him. Call me after
MURRAY: You're going?
TUCKER: Yes. Because I need a fucking pint. Ideally with someone smarter than you lot. Maybe Chris Grayling is around

AAAAAND That's how I'd write The Thick of It: Prime Ministerial edition.

Or reality, as we like to call it these days.

Sigh.

Anyway, you can buy me a beer here if you fancy helping me drown my sorrows at the fact that political satire is impossible now. ko-fi.com/garius

ADDENDUM: Bingo.

REALLY annoyed that I didn't spot i'd done it until I'd already done two 'Jamie' tweets, and by that point it was too late.

Was a bit fucked off at myself, but figured no point stressing about it.

https://twitter.com/laidlaw_stuart/status/1318604094324486147