Thread by @DrPetra

@SandsUK work hard to support bereaved parents - mums, dads, and non binary parents. Lesbian mums,straight couples,single parents, wider families. Anyone who has had a baby that died who needs advice and care. Please donate to them if you can afford it sands.org.uk 🦋

When you’re writing about #miscarriage #EctopicPregnancy and #stillbirth language matters. But it is not as straightforward as it might seem. If you’re talking about “mother” as the person who’s physically been pregnant and is straight it’s clear who you mean by “bereaved mum”

But if you’re wanting to make lesbian and bi mums feel included in support and care, just as we should do with dads, it can be confusing if you use the term “mother” to mean the person who was pregnant. There are two mums, one was pregnant and had the physical experience of loss

But both mums have been through the psychological trauma of loss (particularly if using assisted conception). It doesn’t mean you can’t say “mother” but you need to indicate not all mums are straight and highlight the specific needs of lesbian parents during and after loss

Non binary parents may not use the term mother for them or their partner. Or they might use parent and their partner mum. If you talk about mother as person who has the physical loss here then you’ve excluded the non binary parent which might add to the trauma of loss

Trans men can experience physical loss, but won’t call themselves mother. That’s why being able to use different terms like “mother, Trans man, non binary parent, or person that had the physical loss, or birthing parent” are used. Together it’s a lot, singly it can be excluding

In the past we reacted to loss by making people keep it secret. We silenced them. We told them they weren’t real parents. We denied them the right to call themselves mum or dad or a name of their choosing and that caused endless grief, pain and shame.

Even now people who’ve experienced loss will say how clueless or cruel friends, relatives and workmates will dismiss their losses and deny their parenthood. Particularly for those who had miscarriages but also for those who had a stillbirth or infant loss

If, like me, you write about loss to help other people you need to use language carefully so *everyone* is able to get information, feel reassured, navigate healthcare and find sources of support. Health and therapeutic spaces need to be welcoming too

It isn’t perfect. #Babyloss and #Pregnancyloss care right now is patchy. We have much to do to address major inequalities particularly for Black women. If you look at the research, awareness and activism on loss we are on a rapid learning curve and it is an ongoing,sensitive,path

It isn’t just the language of parents that is contested. The inclusion of partners is often debated. Terminologies around “loss” “babyloss” and “childlessness” are fraught with pain and political tension (depending where in the world you are)

It is extremely easy to take one snapshot of a hugely complex and sensitive area and jump to the wrong conclusion, causing or worsening grief to the bereaved as you do. Understanding the whole picture and desire to care for all parents - mums,dads and more - is crucial.

And everyone hates the “speaking as a mother” phrase but I said all that above as a mother, noting all kinds of parents experience loss, and if you’re like me poor healthcare and dismissive attitudes tell you that your miscarriages mean you were never a mother at all.

I also think the phrase “be kind” is overused, but when we talk of loss it’s crucial. Again if this isn’t your area you should be glad but also know it’s a place fraught with rage, cruelty and harm. We don’t need to add to it.

TL;DR most discussions of #PregnancyLoss and #BabyLoss are created by and for straight, white, abled, couples. Improving care and widening access, information and support for *all* affected by loss no matter how long ago, is a good thing

If you are a mum who lost your baby you are always a mum, even if other people who lost their babies use other words to describe themselves and their losses. Let’s remember our babies, which is the most important thing 🦋🦋🦋

Context, and language, matters. So we should note at the close of #BabylossAwarenessMonth 2020 that a charity which was among the first to ever address stillbirth and campaign for better care is being relentlessly targeted for a tweet. This is horrible and harmful in so many ways

This is the first time I’ve locked replies to a thread,and it’s because I am not interested in a pile on.However I’m always happy to talk about ways to make our conversations and advice giving around #Babyloss better so you can @ me to chat about that or ask me how I try to do it

I use storytelling, illustrations, data, and signposting to support to ensure mums, dads and more get support whether they had a physical loss or not and I’m always willing to reflect on the complexities of doing this and ways it can be improved

Worth remembering a charity facing any onslaught on social media (plus orchestrated additional attacks through phone calls and emails) cannot provide their usual level of care to bereaved parents. Note this if keen join a pile on (either to attack or defend an organisation).

Remember there are ongoing efforts to ensure

- partners
- Black people
- people of colour
- trans and non binary parents
- lesbian and bi parents
- single parents
- people who had Termination for Medical Reasons

are excluded from babyloss advice and improved care.

We knew #BabylossAwarenessMonth 2020 was going to be especially hard, but hopes were high that for the first inequalities were firmly on the agenda focusing on Black women and lesbian parents. The month ending with distressed parents and the hounding of a charity is really grim

It’s not like there isn’t disagreement within the #Babyloss community, anyone that knows it will confirm that is the case. But it’s horrible to see a tweet out of context being used to derail an awareness month by people who for the most part seem to have no clue it even existed

Many #Babyloss charities have closed this year because of a loss of finances and the pandemic. That’s a loss on top of loss. Those remaining open are doing so under huge pressure. If you can spare a donation please give to those providing support ➡️ copingwithpregnancyloss.com/support

#BabyLossAwarenessWeek and #BabyLossAwarenessMonth are of course not the only times to address inequalities and issues that lead to losses or poor care, and to share information about loss and remember our babies. But it’s a hugely meaningful time for many that needs respecting

It’s been a struggle to get babyloss charities and healthcare to recognise the needs of lesbian mums and Black women’s health. This was the first time they centred in #BabyLossAwarenessWeek With this backlash to one charity I fear the willingness to be inclusive will disappear

Imagine if all those people with big platforms or small who’ve attacked a charity for a tweet taken out of context put that energy into improving research, healthcare, advice and fundraising around #babyloss?

I’m pretty certain most of the critics here have never heard of #BabyLossAwarenessWeek nor shown any interest or care in the wider issues and inequalities around loss that affect mothers, fathers, others and wider families.

sadly the end of #BabylossAwarenessMonth is now marked by people who’ve experienced losses being targeted by hateful trolls. Just as we began October with the targeting of Teigen. This has been the saddest awareness month that I can remember. Take care of yourself if you need to

As said upthread, #Babyloss isn’t an area unfamiliar with controversy, it’s where particular groups (Black women, lesbian mums and GRT especially) are excluded/at more risk. But disagreements that end in threats to individuals or charities or mocking over losses is unacceptable

It may be you didn’t know October is where we remember our babies and lobby for better advice and care. There is more information here babyloss-awareness.org and if you are concerned about mothers, fathers and others and wish to talk about your losses please join in next October

Remember also if you are mother, father, Trans or non binary parent that wants to raise awareness, remember your baby or support others through loss this can happen all year round. Whether we are lobbying for better physical or psychology care (or both), our voices are needed 🦋