Dean Burnett Profile picture
28 Oct, 15 tweets, 3 min read
Seeing as everyone's getting confused, here is the UK #Covid19 Tier system explained in full

Tier 1: Medium

- 10pm curfew for bars, pubs and restaurants

- Gatherings of more than six people banned, apart from some settings such as funerals and weddings

/1
Tier 1+: Medium rare

- 10pm curfew for bars etc. but 11pm curfew for staggering in the street

- You can no longer go to a wedding without a gift valued under £40

- Christenings only on alternate Sundays

/2
Tier 1b: Medium well

- Pubs close at 10, but all bar staff have to say "don't you think you've had enough?" to every customer served after 8pm

- All supermarket trolleys must now have squeaky wheels

- All wedding cards must be incinerated immediately after opening

/3
Tier 1n: Medium squared

- You can go to the pub until 9:47pm, but you can't talk about weddings or funerals while there

- Postal workers must be sanitised after each shift

- Must maintain a 2m distance from pigeons at all times

/4
Tier 1Ɣ: Medium muidem

- You can go to the pub until 9:83pm, but you can't think about doing that

- Yellow autumn leaves are banned

- Communication with neighbours limited to tapping Morse code on adjoining walls

/5
Tier 2 - High:

- Mixing of households indoors not allowed

- Rule of six applies to private gardens and outdoor spaces - social distancing rules also apply

- Pubs and restaurants remain open, but no mixing of households inside and 10pm curfew

/6
Tier 2c: High brow

- No making eye contact with the neighbours.

- You can meet other households in restaurants, as long as you use cutlery no less than 2m in length, like that Heaven/Hell metaphor

- Strong cheeses not allowed in public spaces

/7
Tier 2.3: High fidelity

- You never liked your neighbours anyway. Don't go borrowing anything

- Pubs close at 10pm, but can only open at 9:35pm, and can only serve elaborate cocktails

- You must work from home. Yes, even if you're a firefighter.

/8
Tier 2.000006: Oh High Mark

- You can hug your children 3 times a day, maximum

- Outdoor sports are restricted to polo, fox hunting and dogging

- There are no other households, only ZUUL

/9
Tier 3 - Very high:

- No mixing of households indoors and outdoors, including in private gardens

- Pubs and bars to close

- Restaurants, and pubs that can operate as restaurants, allowed to stay open

- No wedding receptions

- Avoid non-essential travel

/10
Tier 3.3333333333333: Very High and Dry

- Smoking in graveyards is banned

- Gyms can open as long as you hoard your own sweat to make home brew from, as the pubs are closed

- Trespassers must be shot on sight

- Greggs sausage rolls are now legal tender

/11
Tier 3TJ: Very High high high Delilah

- Pubs must be burned down and the ashes urinated on

- Sleep in the basement. Don't have a basement? Start digging

- Space suits must be worn at the supermarket at all time

- Rats are edible, don't you know

/12
Tier 3Ɛ: Very Highlander

- If you strike down another person with Covid, you gain their powers

- Speed of sound reduced to 50mph

- Don't look at the sky, that's only for the wealthy!

- Anyone earning less than £40k must learn to photosynthesise

/13
Tier 4: [Redacted]

- [Redacted]

- [Redacted]

- [Redacted]

- [Redacted]

- [Sounds of scuffling]

- [Gunshot]

- [Scream]

- [Gunshot]

-

-

-

-

-

/14
Right, so is everyone clear now?

Good

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26 Sep
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I remember at the time tweeting something like "I hope he's not an arsehole". I'm hindsight, that was incredibly heuristic of me

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It's the 3 anniversary week of Pickle (our cat) coming to live with us. So, for long term fans of my ridiculous feline, or new followers who may like to know more about him, here's a thread of #ClassicPickle

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14 Sep
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Make THIS film, you cowards!

#TheBatman #Meta Image
Of course a tweet that goes viral has a typo in it. Of course.

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People have been voicing concern about the down-sides of 'mindfulness' and 'mediation' approaches (and the somewhat zealous championing of them) for years

E.g. @anandamide did a whole guest post about it for my Guardian blog

theguardian.com/science/brain-…

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6 Aug
Dear strangers;

Once again

No, I'm not 'babysitting', I'm their father

No, I didn't 'draw the short straw'. They're my children. I like them a lot

No, it's not 'mum's day off'. It's the exact opposite, she's in work. Women can have official jobs these days. It's a thing.
While I'm on about unhelpful sexist tropes, the whole 'man flu' thing can do one as well

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This tweet blew up somewhat. Clearly it's still a big and an annoying everyday occurrence.

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/1
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5 Aug
I don't know who needs to know this, but as A-level results are coming up and people will be making decisions and asked advice about careers, here it is

Psychiatrists and Psychologists are different things

To be a Psychiatrist, you need a degree in medicine, not psychology

/1
You may think this is a painfully obvious thing to tweet. Perhaps it comes across as horribly patronising. Sorry if it seems so, but I promise you, countless people are unaware of it

Psychiatrists and psychologists are different things with different qualifications

/2
And I don't mean teens still in school. It's perfectly acceptable for them to not realise that psychiatry and psychology are separate disciplines.

But many adults, often highly educated ones, are also unaware of the (very important) distinction. And that's not great

/3
Read 16 tweets

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