Thread by @nickcammarata

woke up to @selentelechia writing a wonderful thread about mine on self-love as feeling like you're with a crush

a few day ago I decided to be a bit more open about my phenomenology and protocol for getting there, so I'll try to respond to some of the things she brought up!

https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1321510451289772032

I'm doing-it-live so don't know what it will say but quick infohazard warning. Reading about someone's mostly successful attempt to get to a better emotional state can be painful, or remind you of things you may not be in a great place for right now. You can always read it later!

I regret just listing the crush part but I didn't feel comfortable going deep into what I was feeling when I wrote the original thread (bc of hurting people :/)

On a valence arousal axes it's always positive-valence but all range of arousal

https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1321512018491416576

so sometimes it feels like a crush on myself, like when I read the original thread. I dance with myself a few times a day, sang Billy Joel's Vienna really loud with myself yesterday alone at home in bed. It feels like I'm "with myself", not "by myself"

but most times are chill

this is the best descriptor I have, from a document writing out a specific protocol I came up with and followed. Since the protocol is N=1 so far, it includes a short bit on my personal phenomenology, and the reviewers generally agreed this was the best part of it

in her thread @selentelechia mentions that if having a crush is about constant objectification that sounds exhausting, and I agree! It sounds like her crush feeling is a warmth/affection + logical objectification. In my thread there's no second part

https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1321514683405316097

constant judgement can be useful, giving that up has drawbacks. It's just like "it's cool how you like and make coffee!!" (making a chemex rn). @xuenay parodied this well :). I can still sit down and analyze, but it is more purposeful, and kinder

https://twitter.com/xuenay/status/1313030932429975554

also with this stuff I feel a bit like of a fraud bc it's not *every moment*. But it's like 10-50x more common than a few years ago for me (95% of time I'm attending on myself?). Being me used to be constant self-judgment. Please reduce everything I say here to "usually"

attending part is key. I'm usually not focusing on myself, eg right now I'm just writing this. But when I do (eg see myself in a mirror, like washing my hands after restroom) I'm thrown into a weak metta-state. I've done ~500-1k hours of metta, i think paved neural path for that

ah, @selentelechia says "being with myself" is exhausting. For me right now, it's more like I'm an eyeball watching my life happen, I'm not "doing" much. It's hard to imagine how it would even be exhausting. I don't know how to describe it better :/

https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1321527149510201344

in an attempt to be clear while still being super unclear, I don't think I'm in a high-level meditation state. I tried to get there a few years ago, failed, but on the path it felt different. This is more simple, affectionate, less cerebral. Diff direction than like, LSD

i spent a few minutes feeling and the closest thing I have is "simple and friendly"? Like, there's nothing yelling at me anymore. I can stably watch thoughts somewhat easily now (thank u concentration-meditation!!), cant remember any neg judgmental thoughts last couple months

there's *definitely* judgment sometimes. Like "oh he
def doesn't like you" "that steak sucked" "you weren't that productive today" but it's more just like.. something I'm noticing? There' no bite to it. I just play with that like hmm ya.. why wasn't I productive today?

oh yeah, also forgot to mention, I don't have much of an inner voice, did before. Got here through memory-editing, so it's a bit hard for me to remember before, which is why I forgot to bring it up. But I've always journaled a lot, so I have lots of stuff to compare to

it's just feelings (non-verbal, except sometimes) all the time. Almost all my life is is watching those feelings and figuring out what to do for the next like 30 seconds. Feelings usually really warm towards whoever I'm talking to or myself. Not much neg judgment towards things

okay leaving Twitter dot com to work for a while! I'll check later if anyone has questions feel free to reply or DM. Honestly I don't think this was very helpful, but maybe it'll help like one person like 500 hours into their metta practice or something? Would have helped me!

my main message for anyone not on a serious psychological path already: you can be in a radically *radically* different mental place than where you started. It's never an accident. The people who get *really* happy try to. The ones who get to high-level meditation states try to

side thought while working: one of the biggest diffs is crying. I cried literally zero times from 14yo-22yo. Now I cry about 5-10 times a day, for about 30 seconds at time, mostly for trivial things (eg someone tweets that they feel happy today). I bet I can outcry @QiaochuYuan