1/ Tucker Carlson tomorrow: "To evade detection from the Black Lives Matter drones that track all UPS packages, we stored a cache of damning documents implicating Hunter Biden in myriad international grifts on the hard drive of a Commodore 64 computer. My assistant packed...
2/ ...the computer in a large envelope, because we feared a box might seem suspicious, since rectangles are the symbol of the largest satanic Democratic child-sex ring. To protect the computer, my assistant surround it with Wonder Bread. We have photos of him buying the bread...
3/ ...and sealing the envelope. He used two slices of the bread to make a sandwich, but that also disappeared. We suspect Obama. It's clear that sometime after the package arrived at UPS, someone - possibly Chelsea Clinton - opened the package, removed the bread and computer...
4/ ...and made off with the very real secret documents that were definitely stored on the Commodore 64 along with an old copy of the game Jupiter Lander. UPS officials tell us all they found was an open envelope, several bread crusts and a note containing a series of symbols.
5/ We called in Rudy Giuliani to translate the symbols, and he recognized them as part of a secret language Hillary Clinton used when she was plotting the invasion of the American consulate in Benghazi. It simply read: "Glucose." We're investigating what that might mean, but...
6/ ...we suspect it's related to radical Islamic terrorism or Sharia law. Meanwhile, we can say definitively tonight that the very real documents stolen by Chelsea Clinton and her mother were all the proof you need to know that Hunter Biden is actually Barack Obama...
7/ ...and Joe Biden is Obama's cousin, Osama bin Laden, whose death was a hoax perpetrated by Jimmy Carter, who is actually head of cabal of globalists dead-set on destroying Christmas and turning Branson, Mo., into a smelting plant where enslaved rural Americans melt guns...
8/ ...and forge them into statues of Karl Marx. We'll keep on top of this developing story, unless Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shrinks herself down to microscopic size again and enters my brain through my ear canal. Good night, and stay vigilant. END
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