Thread by @pptsapper

Yo yo yo yo

Yooooooooooooo

So, I've had 2 French 75s and I have some STORIES to tell

So gather round, ye rapscallions of the internets for a special edition of #drunjhistory

It took me wayyyyyy to long to type that so you KNOW it gon be good

IT'S QUASI WAR TIME, Y'ALL

Once upon a a time etc etc it was 1778 and The US an France were bestest frennnnnns. They had this whole treaty of alliance and crap. Cause France agreed to fight till we got Independence and we agreed to fight until

Hold up

We interrupt this for a damn adorable cat message

Anyways uhhhh we agreed to keep fighting until such time as the French got their war aims and the French said they'd keep fighting as long as Spain got Gibraltar back or whatever and let's be honest, no one believes that would happen but hey, it's all about good feelings, right?

So everything was totally cool until France was like "NO HEADS FOR ANYONE" and began revolutionizing all over the damn landscape

Half the US was all chill about it, led by Thomas Jefferson and his watering of trees of liberty and shit. The other half was like "uh, not cool, bro"

Brits saw this and got s n e a k y

Seeing the alliance all up in tatters, the Brits got super duper friendly

Like, outta character friendly

Be VERY wary of a friendly Brit. They don't have feelings and so SOMETHING IS UP when this happens

John Jay should've known, dammit

In 1792, the French decide that the revolution is a bi t much

So they EXPORT it. Cleverrrrrrrrr, mon amis

France starts invading everywhere and Britain gets the US to sign a super duper to treaty of amity, commerce, and navigation, as one does when shit goes sideways

Now, in 1793, Louis XVI went off his head. No wait. His head went off of him.

So the US was like uhhhhhh so hey, we neutral now and France was like "WE HAD A TREATY AND AN AGREEMENT" and we like "uhhhhhh but you killed the dude we treatyised with" and France was all " uhhhh"

Then in 1794 the US signs a sweet, sweet deal with Great Britain, that whole thing about amity and shit.

France is like FINE, WE'RE SEIZING SHIPS TRADING WITH THE BRITS and we're all "well, we're gonna fight you oh noooooo we don't have a Navy sheeeeeiiiittttt"

So for like three years, the French just absolutely pulverize US shipping

And you're like BUT WHERE'S THE NAVY

Well, it takes TIME to build ships and stuff. And sooooo we did some privateering stuff. Well, a LOT of privateering stuff. Some even...private Navy stuff

Ok, so. 1798. BIG. YEAR. coz we got some snips. Ships, even. Frigates. 6 of em. FRIGAAATES. Constellation, that beautiful 44 gun frigate who's gonna seize some French ships. And, uh , CONSTITUTION. THAT SEXY, SEXY SHIP. sigh. Those lines. Anyways.

What does a Navy need?

MARINES

Now, back on this date in 1775, some drunakrds formed the Continental Marines. But after the RevWar, congress shitcanned them for budget reasons

But in 1798, Congress, threatened by France, decided that it was time to Marine up again

So

If you like the Marines, thank France

Now, over the next 100 years, Marines did marine things: hang out with the Navy, invade small places with the Navy, you know the drill

The Army did army things, like land operations. With some stuff near water in the Mexican American War and the Civil War, just cause

The Army tried some water-land stuff in 1898 in Cuba and it DID NOT GO WELL to say the least

Why didn't Teddy Roosevelt's cavalry regiment have horses at San Juan Hill, you ask? Mainly because most of the horses had been given the "swim for land" option & were v sick of the Army

They army and naval infantry even did some joint stuff, like invading and occupying the Mexican city of vera cruz in 1915 because...I dunno, someone insulted a sailor. It was 1915 and back then we made stupid foreign policy decisions erry 5 minutes or so

Then in 1917, the US took a look at the big ol bloody poker game that was WWI and was like "we want in"

Problem: we had a puuuuuny military. But France - oh yeah, that France that caused us to bring back the Navy and Marines - wanted ground troops. So we threw shit together

One of these packages was a composite. An Army division with a Marine brigade and an Army brigade. The 2d Division. And in June 1918 the Marines got into the land warfare business and it was MESSY.

but this story isn't about the Marines vs Germans fighting. This is about the real battle. The Army vs the Marines

Oh yes. I'm going there

The PETTIEST OF PETTY FIGHTS over the last 100 years

All because ONE reporter couldn't follow the damn rules

So, 1918. The US is doing big war for the first time in like 50 years and it's, uh, not going great, because our doctrine is to do what we did 50 years ago buttttttt that's another story

Pershing institutes a unit naming blackout for OPSEC reasons

But Floyd Gibbons...

He gets his ass wounded real bad at Belleau Wood and they're thinking he dead, so they allow him to release his last, uh, release

Well, it names NAMES

it drops the TEA

and it's all bout them Marines

& Becuz the US public wants deets, they FREAK

Marines seize ALL the headlines. ALL OF THEM. They seize more headlines than acreage in Belleau Wood, and let's be honest, in war, publicity is half the battle. The other half is, well, the battle

Pershing is PISSSSSSED

which I'm ok about, actually

But nowwwwww the Marines have made landfall. And now they're in competition with the Army

The enmity. It's been put between the Army and the Marines.

They are, uh, not mature about it

Which should surprise no one

The Marines lay claim to everything around Belleau Wood after the war. Ev-er-y-thing. They even go into places they never went, like the village of Belleau, and claim a fountain, of all things.

A FOUNTAIN

It's now one of those places that Marines go

Like bars. And stuff

Marines go to the devil dog fountain allllll the time to get eternal life or never ending sex stuff or whatever Marines wish for when they close their eyes at night

Following the war, the Army guys looked at this with those things

Askance. They looked askance.

Why?

Because them debbils never got into Belleau. That was taken by NATIONAL GUARDSMEN from the 26th Division.

Oh, the HUMANITY

But Marines sell better stories

So the fountain stayed. The Marines kept flocking to it. like it was unsecured booze or something

Now, there's something you should know. The 26th is from New England. & If there's anyone more PETTY and able to hold a long term grudge than the Marines, it's New Englanders

So, these ol crotchety Yankees decide to passive aggressive the Marines into eternity

The Yanks grab the old stables in Belleau across from the fountain

With zero fanfare, they alter the stables juuuuuuuuuust slightly. Something the Marines will miss as they scoop water from the fountain.

The weathervane on the stables

And you're like, "I don't see it"

So. The ol boys from the Yankee Division Association went long-term petty, too. The weathervane is LOCKED to the east, in the direction of Germany, with a Doughboy with his boot kicking out. Because the 26th "Yankee" Division kicked the Germans back 9 miles.

PASSIVE. AGGRESSIVE

It's so passive aggressive that it's basically been forgotten. But I'm pretty sure that what those old cantankerous bastards from New England wanted. Low key. Vicious. Just like the traffic in Boston

But the Great battle between the Army and Navy has gone on since then

And will probs go on forever or whatever

And that's how the Quasi War with France led to the Marines and Army fighting a passive aggressive war of monuments in France

Which I suppose was the inevitable outcome

Boom full circle

Happy veterans day, ya reprobates