Thread by @JenLRossman

Going to write a story for Hellmark, the "small town Christmas movie but with monsters" anthology. Which requires research into Hallmark Christmas movies.

No, I am not watching any. You can't pay me enough LOL

But I will give commentary as I look at the Hallmark website

Oh dear. How many of these people do you think are famous country singers i don't recognize? I am 99% sure the sparkly lady in the middle is someone. I think she's in commercials for stuff.

Well this is a surprise. There are gays! Unfortunately they are one of three couples trapped in Christmas bubbles. I think the guy in the middle is the guy from the last movie?

This says nothing about the movie other than the fact that he loves her much more than she loves him. But at Christmas time

I think this is still that same guy from the other movies

A Christmas tree grows in Colorado is the title of the next one. I mean. A lot of trees grow in Colorado. Points for attempting a literary reference, and for the main characters not being white

[Newscaster who does not care about the human interest story but who is trying very hard to pretend she does Voice:]
Well! Looks like we've got a bit of a tense situation going on here! They don't even seem to like each other, so how the gosh darn heck will they save Christmas?

LADY HE IS A SERIAL KILLER, GRAB YOUR GINGERBREAD AND RUN

Also, Hallmark channel really getting their moneys worth out of this one actor they hired to be every main character. You cannot convince me they are different people

I hate this entire family

I have never felt so uncomfortably heterosexual as I do when I look at this movie poster.

Also, same actor again as far as I can tell

[Stares in confused gay]
What is this. Is this. Heterosexual Christmas Wizard of Oz. Why. Why would they do that.

I don't trust the smiling white people in the background. They look like they're up to something. Especially both of them

There is absolutely nothing to suggest there is a wedding involved in this story. At least add some wedding ring clip art

So far I have learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about Hallmark Christmas movies except that I am correct to hate them

So this is how you make a Hallmark movie poster.
Take pictures of people who have never met, Photoshop them together, add something random like a piano at the bottom

Oh God, no

The Hallmark channel poster people need to download canva so they will stop using this one template for everything

… OK I admit, I am mildly intrigued by the title and the fact that there's a random paint brush?

I also hate this family. I mean not the children yet. But they're going to grow up to be like their parents and I will hate them

The fuck, how many of these are there. I thought it would be like… five?

… how many of these are there

Twitter was being weird so I took a break for food.

HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Points for time travel, negative points for that same actor from every other movie

Wait maybe that's it and there's no more. Oh thank God

So, what have we learned?

…
…
… yeah, I'm gonna write about dinosaurs