Thread by @Lcars24

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.
—Jack Nicholson

Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle.
— Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-OR)

What happened with that petition for the City of New York to rename Fifth Avenue Barack Obama Avenue to make the address of Trump Tower 721–725 Barack Obama Avenue?

Feds spend 10x more on fossil fuel subsidies than educaton. I think the logic is, if they can't do math they won't be able to see how badly they're being ripped off.
—Bill McKibben

t’s the guns, stupid.
—George Takei

Trump just repeats the lines from his earbud while pretending to use the teleprompter so people will think he can read.

If Trump were any more full of shit, he'd be covered in maggots instead of MAGAts.

Why would anyone need an assault weapon, unless, of course, you can't get laid and everyone laughs at you, so you feel compelled to carry out an assault?

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.
—Voltaire

A thought that sometimes makes me hazy: Am I—or are the others—crazy?
—Albert Einstein

We're in an alternate timeline in which Trump's joke about seeking the presidency went too far and mankind was hurled into extinction. But it's okay. The original timeline is doing fine and that version of us has a bright future. We just won't see it.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
—Robert Orben

Ever wonder if megachurches launder money?
—Eric Garland

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
—Mick Jagger