Two Canadians died and ended up in hell. Satan decided to pay them a visit, so he walked into their room and saw them talking and laughing. Confused, he asked them why they were so happy.
One of them said, “We were sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, stormed away to Hell's boiler room, where he turned up the temperature.
He went back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged to put the heating back down. He entered the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furious, he asked them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" came the reply.

Satan realized he did the wrong thing. He went back to the boiler room and turned down the heat until it was at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
Satan thinks he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouted at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They looked at him and shouted at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”

O Canada...

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More from @RCdeWinter

12 Jan
In an email from @ChrisMurphyCT
Read it. All of it,
“The first thing that seemed wrong was how fast the Republican floor staffer was moving toward Senator Chuck Grassley.
She abruptly rustled him from his seat in the front row of the chamber and motioned that he quickly ascend to the dais, to relieve Vice President Mike Pence in the chair.
This transition from Pence to Grassley as presiding officer was expected, so maybe few people noticed anything out of the ordinary. But to me, the pace at which Pence was exiting the chamber seemed alarming.
Read 29 tweets
10 Jan
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.”
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Read 7 tweets
10 Jan
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs."

“17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them? asked the judge.
Read 6 tweets
10 Jan
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by:
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said. "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time!"

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Read 8 tweets
10 Jan
A suspected Covid-19 male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse came to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbled from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers.
Read 5 tweets
9 Jan

bowling with the cia

i read somewhere
yes it was a reputable source
that a gaggle of scientists

whored out to the government
from thirdrate universities

have declared the prairie dog a condiment

something to be served as a piquancy
on a bun with godknowswhatelse
the prairie dog!
the prairie dog!

a tunneldwelling rodent
whose fleas make them
vectors of the plague

that plague

chopping and mincing and cooking prairie dogs
to a tasty paste
and the hapless serf
at your favorite fast food palace
would you like yersinia pestis sauce with that?

not to mince words
are you fucking kidding me?

wasn't it bad enough when president dementia elevated ketchup
to vegetable status?
Read 7 tweets

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