Thread by @IjeomaOgud

Here's one thing I told myself immediately I knew for sure I was getting separated - I'm absolutely not raising these kids alone.

I know one would think that was a given, but we are talking about Nigeria here, where even the systems set up to protect families...

...are very easily subverted by men with power.

The first thing I needed to wrestle with and overcome, was the idea that as their mother, I'm the only one with the magic wand for raising my kids. No bueno.

We've seen it happen a million times over. -

A woman kills herself raising her children all on her own, then sometime in the future Daddy returns, and is embraced with open arms. Yes your kids 'might' love you more, but you're the one with the broken body and mind, after carrying a load that should have been split.

Our society bends itself out of shape to accommodate prodigal men when they return, with hardly a thought or relief for the woman who had to stick around and do all the work.

And You're not allowed to feel resentful of it.
"Your kids now have their daddy. You should be happy".

And I don't mean just the financial implication fo raising kids. To me, That is maybe 30%. The actual daily grind of being present and available for your children every single day will suck you empty. It is what it is.

Me I sha knew I wasn't cut out for suffering.

I wasn't about to be anyone's martyr.

All I wanted was a functional system that allowed me to have a life, while fully being a mother to my kids. I wanted same for my ex.

We worked at it. Kept going through the tough bits. Screamed at each other, came back till we got it.

We worked through all the nasty parts of separation, all the anger, disappointment and bitterness, till we got to a place where everyone was comfortable.

Let me tell you. Its extremely hard work. But me I knew we had to somehow get to the other side of it. For all of us.

Everyday I learn something new. Had to unlook sometimes when the kids were placed under pressure by the situation.

We all cried our tears.

And kept moving.

It's not perfect. I don't know that any situation is.

Now I see the kids adjusting to it and beginning to thrive.

We live not far from each other, which helps so much. I pop over sometimes if the kids miss me too much or are ill and just want mummy.

Sometimes I say no, no matter how much they beg. They quickly move on because children are amazingly resilient.
Next they want ice cream.🙄

So sometimes what you need is to visualize what you want, break it down into steps, and then go from there.

Keeping going when it seems tough. Acknowledge when you're fucking up and fix up.

Remember that you have as much right to a life as the kids.

Problem no dey finish.

And then you just have to be stubborn until you get it.

In both households, the kids know that they can easily reach either parent. We both have contacts for their caregiver (without whom, this system would collapse in a neap of smoke). There's a 'house' line i can call there.
You have to be willing to make and accept concessions.

If you can learn how to raise kids, so can a man.
You probably didn't know anything about raising kids UNTIL YOU STARTED TO RAISE THEM.
Anyone can learn. Choosing not to is a different thing.

Just so you know, I'm always committed to the baby girl life for good. Send me food and money. Dazall.❤

I've always suspected that a lot of men are deeply invested in maintaining women's suffering, but man... phew.