Cable news networks in the post-Trump era are going to be like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane
https://twitter.com/hotairblog/status/1356595385331023880
You don't think I remember anything, do you? There are a whole lot of things I remember. And you never paid for this house. Baby Jane Blitzer made the money that paid for this house, that's who! 
EXT decrepit Victorian mansion on hill. Camera pans rusty cobwebbed gate with tarnished sign reading "Chyron Manor." Gate opens creakily, camera approaches up the driveway past abandoned antique satellite vans, to the mansion's single illuminated window.
Dolly shot continues up porch stairs and through lace curtain window to...
INT Dusty mansion parlor strewn with Emmys, Newseum souvenirs, Nielsen charts, and wingback interview chairs. Above the mantle is a portrait of scowling obese man with strange hair and orange skin.
INT Dusty mansion parlor strewn with Emmys, Newseum souvenirs, Nielsen charts, and wingback interview chairs. Above the mantle is a portrait of scowling obese man with strange hair and orange skin.
In the parlor are 3 bickering spinster sisters, their faces grotesquely plastered with pancake makeup to cover the ravages of time. Once stars of the carnival circuit as members of Colonel Trump and His Trained Urchins, they now languish forgotten and destitute.
Discovered by carnival barker Col. Trump as orphan girls selling matchsticks on Madison Avenue in 1916, they were propelled to fame and fortune as his on-command personal sideshow act. they are:
FOXY, CANINA, and MISS ENBICEE
FOXY, CANINA, and MISS ENBICEE
FLASHBACK DISSOLVE
EXT bustling Madison Ave street corner in 1916, filled with organ grinders and hucksters. Pan to 3 shivering ragamuffin girls. A hulking fat man passes by counting a wad of cash.
CANINA: Hey mister, you need matches?
FOXIE: (punches Canina) I saw him first!
EXT bustling Madison Ave street corner in 1916, filled with organ grinders and hucksters. Pan to 3 shivering ragamuffin girls. A hulking fat man passes by counting a wad of cash.
CANINA: Hey mister, you need matches?
FOXIE: (punches Canina) I saw him first!
CANINA: (punching back) No, I saw him first!
FOXIE: Ow!
Camera pans down to feral MISS ENBICEE gnawing on FOXIE'S leg. FOXIE eye-pokes CANINA, whose retaliatory kick misses and knocks ENBICEE in the rear.
COL. TRUMP: Girls, how would you like to be in show biz?
FOXIE: Ow!
Camera pans down to feral MISS ENBICEE gnawing on FOXIE'S leg. FOXIE eye-pokes CANINA, whose retaliatory kick misses and knocks ENBICEE in the rear.
COL. TRUMP: Girls, how would you like to be in show biz?
FLASHFORWARD DISSOLVE
INT Carnival tent, Ohio 1921
ANNCR: Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting Colonel Trump and his Amazing Trained Urchin Menagerie!
PAN Trump in cage wearing jodhpurs and pith helmet, cracking whip, shooting blank pistol. Gate opens releasing 3 sisters into cage
INT Carnival tent, Ohio 1921
ANNCR: Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting Colonel Trump and his Amazing Trained Urchin Menagerie!
PAN Trump in cage wearing jodhpurs and pith helmet, cracking whip, shooting blank pistol. Gate opens releasing 3 sisters into cage
Ghostly limelight illuminates cage, as Col Trump cracks whip staving off the ferocious claws of CANINA and ENBICEE while patting obedient FOXIE on the head.
COL. TRUMP: (whipsnap) Fake news!
FOXIE: Fake news! (rolls over for belly pat)
COL. TRUMP: and now for the grand finale!
COL. TRUMP: (whipsnap) Fake news!
FOXIE: Fake news! (rolls over for belly pat)
COL. TRUMP: and now for the grand finale!
COL. TRUMP cracks whip and on command the 3 sisters begin attacking each other in a barrage of eye-pokes, hair-pulling, and biting, as COL TRUMP mugs and struts around the melee to the loud boos and cheers of the dimwitted audience rubes, who begin attacking one another.
INT. post-show carnival wagon.
COL. TRUMP: nice show, girls. We packed 'em in again! Here's $100 for all of you.
CANINA: Oh boy, I'm going to buy me a nice dress for all my gentleman callers!
FOXIE: Forget it sister, I'm the pretty one!
ENBICEE: I'm going to the opium den!
COL. TRUMP: nice show, girls. We packed 'em in again! Here's $100 for all of you.
CANINA: Oh boy, I'm going to buy me a nice dress for all my gentleman callers!
FOXIE: Forget it sister, I'm the pretty one!
ENBICEE: I'm going to the opium den!
FLASHFORWARD DISSOLVE
INT back to parlor of Chyron Manor, modern day 1964. FOXIE and CANINA viciously ramming their wheelchairs into each other, while opium-addled MISS ENBICEE bangs head against peeling wallpaper.
INT back to parlor of Chyron Manor, modern day 1964. FOXIE and CANINA viciously ramming their wheelchairs into each other, while opium-addled MISS ENBICEE bangs head against peeling wallpaper.
CANINA: (on candlestick phone) Hello? Ed Sullivan Show? How would you like to book the triumphant return of the Trained Urchin Children? Oh yes, we are all still alive, and ready to entertain the public again. Col. Trump? No I'm sorry he is no longer with us. Yes, I understand.
*click*
CANINA: well girls, we still have a shot at that supermarket opening in Oxnard.
FOXIE: (throws fireplace tongs): We were big! And you ruined it! Ruined it! You killed Daddy!
CANINA: (ducks, throws Emmy) He's not our real Daddy! And you gave him rabies!
CANINA: well girls, we still have a shot at that supermarket opening in Oxnard.
FOXIE: (throws fireplace tongs): We were big! And you ruined it! Ruined it! You killed Daddy!
CANINA: (ducks, throws Emmy) He's not our real Daddy! And you gave him rabies!
MISS ENBICEE: (stops banging head on wall) We had to kill him. Because we all gave birth to him.
ENBICEE knocks over kerosene lamp, igniting oriental rug, laughing maniacally as FOXIE and CANINA scream in terror.
EX: music swells as Chyron Manor is engulfed in flames.
THE END
ENBICEE knocks over kerosene lamp, igniting oriental rug, laughing maniacally as FOXIE and CANINA scream in terror.
EX: music swells as Chyron Manor is engulfed in flames.
THE END
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