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Steve Cuss

8 Feb, 10 tweets, 2 min read

Frustrated with someone? A person in your life generating anxiety in you?

Anxiety says, 'they are the problem' and whoa nellie, they might be the problem or they might be 90% of the problem.

But as long as it is 'they, they, they' you will stay stuck in an anxiety spiral.

1/

Instead, we can pause, get help and map out the problem.

1. What exactly is the problem?
2. What are my attempted solutions?

Often times, my attempted solution is an anger fantasy or self righteousness. Sheesh.

and then....

2/

3. How am I complicit in the problem?

I often think or act in ways that feed the problem. This is not about me carrying what is theirs to carry, it is about recognizing ways my conflict avoidance gene and my self righteousness keep me spinning.

3/

Sometimes my complicity is that I let them get away with poor behavior. I think it is out of Gospel love, it is almost always out of CAS: Conflict Avoidance Syndrome.

4/

So if on this chilly Monday you are spinning over a difficult relationship....

As an aside, it is 12 degrees F here in CO. As I was walking my dog Brodie, and my face was numb, I was all, 'time to go home Brodie' and Brodie was all, 'I'm plenty warm thank you.'

5/

I've been known to do these anxiety tools with my dog. No one is exempt in the Cuss home.

anyway, you can stop the incessant spinning by:

6/

1. What is mine to carry, what is God's what is theirs?

often anxiety is because we are carrying 'too much.'

2. Get clear on the patterns in you that keep the problem alive.

3. Name the dynamic or sometimes, reverse the pattern.

7/

Some of you are anxious because you are chronic over functioners. You pick up the slack, the dropped ball, you take up the space between you and the other, you chase, pursue.

It is exhausting.

8/

And worst of all, you think you're the better person because you're the proactive one, the responsible one.

That is self righteousness.

Maybe pause today and stop the over functioning, leave the space, let the ball roll away.

See what happens.

9/

Anxiety keeps us trapped in familiar patterns and habits, but there is Gospel freedom on the other side if we're willing to bravely practice.

10/10

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More from @stevecusswords

Steve Cuss

@stevecusswords

10 Feb

Shifting targets generate anxiety.

They are a form of double bind, a 'lose-lose' but they are harder to spot because of their shifting nature.

Like double binds, they can come at us or come from within us. Identifying when you're in a shifting target situation is key

1/

A quick note: they are the intentional weapon of narcissists and psychopaths. They use them to push you around, throw you off what you know to be true. I've seen a narcissistic paint a clear target and then punish you when you hit it.

But for the rest of us....

2/

The red flags to indicate you're in a shifting target situation:

1. When someone comes for help, but you are trying harder than they are for change.

2. Similar to above, no matter your suggestions, they are swatted away with 'that won't work, what else?'

3/

Read 21 tweets

Steve Cuss

@stevecusswords

23 Jan

One source of anxiety is when you focus on 'the space inside them.'

There are 4 spaces. We can do something about 3 of them but we can't and oughtn't do anything about the 4th.

1/

1. Space inside you.
2. Space between you and God
3. Space between others or space between you and others.
4. Space inside them.

2/

If you find yourself wondering, 'why do they do it this way?' or 'what could they possibly be thinking,' then you're falling into 4th space obsession.

Obsess all you want, but it will just generate anxiety and you'll spin, spin, spin.

3/

Read 8 tweets

Steve Cuss

@stevecusswords

22 Jan

Anxiety gets overwhelming because it has many layers and dynamics. One helpful tool is to pause and dissect the dynamics into manageable pieces.

I have 30 minutes and am happy to define terms, or give tools. What is making you anxious? What would you like to know more about?

You can ask about anything. Here are some keywords:

- Getting unstuck from ‘more of the same’ and ‘try harder.’

- How family of origin affects workplace.

- Childhood vows

- The story you tell yourself

- Reframing

- How Chronic anxiety and the Gospel intersect

- Imposter Syndrome

- Stepping on a leadership landmine

- Receiving a phantom strike

- Double binds

- Values violation

- Rigid communication

- Mixed message

- Inner critic

- Giants on your shoulders

- Second hand criticism

Read 4 tweets

Steve Cuss

@stevecusswords

18 Jan

There are 4 spaces in life, 3 we can do something about. We spend too much time and energy focusing on the one that we cannot and ought not try to manage.

1/

1. Space inside me. What is going on in me? How do I know when I am anxious? We all carry a bubbling collective of pressure, pain, assumptions, inner critic etc that can block our awareness of God and distort reality.

2/

2. Space between people. This can be space between me and you or space between others. Ever walked into a room with people and you felt off? You might be picking up the space between others.

Anxiety is contagious and often the most anxious person has the most power.

3/

Read 10 tweets

Steve Cuss

@stevecusswords

11 Jan

The events of the week have shaken us all. Murray Bowen described 'societal regression.' Anxiety is contagious in any group and a society is one giant interconnected group, so over time, societies become more and more anxious unless the anxiety is displaced.

1/

Displacement requires calm, non reactive leadership at every level and we have lacked that at a federal level, hence the massive escalation of anxiety on the 'system' of our society.

2/

Bowen predicted that as we regress we would no longer be able to listen to each other, we'd become highly reactive, continuing the vicious cycle of catching each others' anxiety and reactivity.

We are there.

3/

Read 17 tweets

Steve Cuss

@stevecusswords

22 Dec 20

@heyrobkelly

My friend @heyrobkelly was recently sharing his own journey of being adopted as a kid, the power of being intentionally chosen and how it helped him from a young age experience God's love as a beloved chosen. Rob talked about going before a judge to be legally adopted...

1/

...And how he saw the judge as a positive person because the judge 'could do what I could not do for myself: use legal power and authority to place me in a family.'

Rob then went on to talk about the image in the Bible of God as judge.

2/

We focus on 'judgement' and giving an account etc, but Rob was reminding us that God as judge also means 'God can do for us what we cannot do: use God's authority to place us into a family.'

I was struck dumb by this and have been pondering it since.

3/

Read 12 tweets

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