Thread by @stevecusswords

Shifting targets generate anxiety.

They are a form of double bind, a 'lose-lose' but they are harder to spot because of their shifting nature.

Like double binds, they can come at us or come from within us. Identifying when you're in a shifting target situation is key

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A quick note: they are the intentional weapon of narcissists and psychopaths. They use them to push you around, throw you off what you know to be true. I've seen a narcissistic paint a clear target and then punish you when you hit it.

But for the rest of us....

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The red flags to indicate you're in a shifting target situation:

1. When someone comes for help, but you are trying harder than they are for change.

2. Similar to above, no matter your suggestions, they are swatted away with 'that won't work, what else?'

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3. A critic who says he wants to meet to resolve, but as you address an issue and get close to resolution, he bounces off the issue and opens a new issue. He never gives you the satisfaction of resolution or agreement. You just keep bouncing from criticism to criticism.

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4. When someone says they want to resolve and understand, but what they really want is to defeat. Or anytime someone doesn't realize what they actually want.

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As a lifelong 'fixer in recovery' though, I have to pause and a give a shoutout to the MANY people who came to me because all they needed was a caring, listening person, and because of my own issues, I was trying to 'help' by problem solving.

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Not everyone is shifting a target on you. Sometimes you need to learn new targets for yourself. You don't have to fire an arrow at the 'solve it' target. There is also a untouched, never been used 'listen and care' target that God is inviting many of us to aim for.

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I have found it helpful to ask myself, or sometimes ask the person, 'is this person venting or do they need an intervention?'

Or sometimes, when I find myself pulling back that bow to hit the fix-it target, I pause and ask the person, 'what do you want?'

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I've also used that with the ever shifty critic. After 3 or 4 issues, a pause. Deep breath. 'What do you want from today's meeting?'

For the more aggressive, bully type critics (every church has them. EVERY church.)

I have said....

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"I think what you want is 'you lose.' It feels that your hope today was to step on my neck and defeat me. Is that what you want?'

It is a clarifying moment.

Some people need to use a leader as a punching bag for their own issues. It is not ok, but it helps to clarify it.

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That is for more extreme cases. But here is the thing, you don't have to take it. People project onto a leader. It can be difficult for some to see you as exactly human sized.

Once I feel shifting targets, once I sense that the game is 'you lose' I adjust my course.

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It is not about win/lose or defeat. It is about staying connected to someone, human to human in the shifting target scenario. And sometimes that involves moving into self protection.

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I once had a lady come after me HARD for a leadership decision she strongly disagreed with. She didn't have any of the facts so she made her own and came after me. After a few shifting targets I reminded her that we are both human with feelings and imperfections.

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She replied, 'yeah, well, when I was a little girl, the pastor did some terrible decisions that abused people, so I've never trusted pastors since. You're all the same.'

She was in her early 40s. If she can't see me as human, where is the hope? And yeah, it hurt.

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Anyway, I'm rambling a bit, but shifting targets can be crazy making, especially when you are earnestly trying to hit them and then when the person shifts them, you TRY HARDER rather than stop and reflect.

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I think one of the biggest gifts Systems Theory has given is to help us notice when we are in a 'try harder' or 'more of the same' spiral.

Ok, so as we wrap up a monster thread, some people shift targets because they are overwhelmed in a tangle of anxiety.

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They are not malicious or after you, they are simply in anxiety's death squeeze. Their inner critic is speaking louder than you are. Louder even that God. They are flooded with shame.

Again, 'more of the same' and 'try harder' does not help those folks.

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Gentle curiosity and space from a kind, calm heart is what helps.

What do you want?

To which they often say truthfully, 'I have absolutely no idea.'

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You can help them by naming what they might be feeling, or asking and then slowly clarifying, 'out of everything you've shared, which one feels most pressing?'

Often anxiety is a dog pile. But once you remove the first 2 or 3 dogs, the rest leave on their own.

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Offering someone calm space to explore the many issues, detangling them one at a time, and reminding someone that problems take a long time to develop and a long time to resolve and you're in it for the long haul, can help a target shifter find hope.

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But if, instead, you catch their anxiety, and you frantically try to solve and resolve as they shift and shift, then you didn't help them and you come away spinning.

So, yeah, target shifting. a HUGE source of anxiety and well worth exploring.

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