Thread by @QuinnyPig

Thanks for coming to work with us here at Trashfire Inc. Let me show you around the exciting aspects of our corporate culture!

Okay, you have your badge? You sure you got your ID back from the reception desk? ...sorry, the badge reader is on the fritz again. Try scanning it a few dozen more times. You've almost got it. There you go.

Sorry more folks aren't here to welcome you. This quarter everyone's heads-down on an all-company initiative: writing our performance reviews so we can all fight for the coveted 3% raises that top performers get. We do this every year.

We think of ourselves as a tech company. Please continue to hold that impression when you discover that your corporate laptop is twelve pounds and comes equipped with a 7 minute battery life and a failing fan.

The perspectives and opinions of our employees is what give this company its character. Please update your social media profiles immediately to indemnify us for your shitty perspectives and opinions.

Our employee handbook lists 34 examples of reasons we might terminate you.

Then it lists those same 34 reasons again but adds "while drinking" to them.

Our CFO owns a distillery.

Here are your business cards. Your phone extension is longer than a salted hash of your password. Most of us use our cell phones, but make sure you install our spyware on it first.

Visit the company portal (ActiveX very much required) and requisition your company t-shirt. It's white, scratchy, and uncomfortable. We have cuts for both genders: "dudes" and "somewhat larger dudes."

Be sure to save the date; you're invited to our weekend holiday party. Your spouse/partner and any kids you have are invited to go fuck themselves.

If it costs more than $75 you're required to get three competing bids. The $300 million we paid out last year in settlements to former employees is very much Not Your Business.

We believe in work-life balance, and will never ask you to work outside of 9am to 5pm. In the timezone the office you're coordinating with is located within. We're on six continents and climbing.

Sorry, excuse me a second. I have to downgrade one of my team's performance rating so I can give a raise instead to someone else upon whom I have an inappropriate crush.

We firmly believe in hiring the best person for the role. We also firmly believe in diversity. We weigh the two and hire accordingly, and for some reason our executive team makes Amazon's S-team look like the bar scene in "Star Wars."

We've all had "seagull managers" who swoop in and crap all over everything. We have a management training program that you're not eligible for, wherein we train up and coming managers to poop more efficiently.

Meet your colleague Dave. Dave is fucking useless and a goddamned liability but firing people is super hard, so he gets transferred around instead.

We make sure to pay 60% of market salaries here. It's a flea market.

Our travel policy requires you to travel in coach. Specifically, Greyhound.

The $3000 client dinner was approved, the $3 water at the hotel was rejected because it wasn’t classified as “food.” Fixing this takes four hours of your time arguing with accounting.

It’s $20 cheaper so your flight has four connections. Take the time to appreciate our airport billboards talking about how smart we are.

There’s a $50 tool that makes your job way easier. You can buy it if you want and gamble that your grand-boss isn’t feeling like a capricious dick that day.

Keeping computers patched is important! That’s why Central IT installs important updates on your laptop and forces a lengthy reboot at 10:30am.

Our logo is prominently featured as a marquee customer on the @Webex marketing material.

While we do love WebEx, our one complaint is that they don’t charge for long distance so we can harangue you for it.

Anyway, have fun working here. Our CEO just announced a layoff; affected employees will be notified over the next twelve weeks. You’ll fit right in!