Thread by @MattDrapps

This is the book (and speaker) recommended by the church I was looking at joining after the Pandam.

Hands up if you think it's going to be a well thought out, helpful, harm-reduction focused education.

Hands up if you think it'll be sex jokes and Purity Culture 🖐️

If the Evangelical Alliance recommended my book I would need to flush myself down the toilet.

The author says he felt guilty about looking at boobs AGED FIVE.

I'm sorry but growing up in a shame-filled Purity Culture world like that from such an early age probably DIDN'T help create a balanced world view on sex at all. I feel sorry for that five year old.

Having sex age 14 at school is also not a universal experience, and no doubt will have added extra stress and confusion to someone growing up with a Guilt Focused sexual ethic, rather than someone who has been taught about Consent and Bodily Autonomy.

Yet the book doesn't dwell on the lack of decent sex education in schools. (This guy referencing only a video of 'a man dressed as a sperm running around trying to fertilise an egg.'

Okay, Sex Education in school CAN be weird, that's why advocating for good sex ed should be

a high priority for people who are (by having written a book about it) invested in education young minds about sex.

Let's see if the book uses the word Consent, shall we? 👀 I'll keep you updated.

The author tells a story of his wedding day, and his in lieu of a regular speech, he (apparently) read out twenty 'Sex tips' that his family had tried to talk to him about in the weeks prior to the wedding.

"The person directly in my line of vision was my wife's Granddad."

I'm sure his wife was delighted, on her wedding day.

Him: "my whole world would revolve around when I could next masturbate".

That's kinda a you problem, mate, not a universal porn problem.

Him, at all points of the day, apparently:

I like it when authors say The Bible is clear (on any subject, except looking after the poor for which it has absolute clarity) as it usually means they've not done the reading.*

*though he has a Jewish law from the Testament of Benjamin, so honestly extra points.

"Jesus isn't saying you cannot look at a woman and think she's attractive." oh good, that's actually a.... "Adultery is when we look at a woman and get a stirring in our loins..." nev mind

Right, this might just be my crazy interpretation but for me when Jesus says, 'If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out'. It's not talking about if you are attracted to someone punch yourself in the face, it's about returning the responsibility of your actions to you. (1 of 2)

I. E. NOT policing what women wear, what they drink, how they flirt, what role they have in the workplace, and blaming porn, miniskirts or lipstick for rape culture, but INSTEAD focusing on your own actions.

If your hand causes you to sin, not if a miniskirt causes you to sin.

"Sin" in my understanding absolutely being to do with sexual abuse, not sex.

He goes on to compare the above 👆 ("looking at a woman and wanting to have sex with her") to DAVID MURDERING BATHSHEBA'S HUSBAND.

"As David keeps looking....his penis does the thinking...he invites her over...sends her husband to death...(God) forgives David's sin"

TW. Mention of rape
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Imagine thinking you can write about the rape of Bathsheba ("invites her over") and the premeditated murder of her husband, and God's forgiveness of this, in one light paragraph. 🚦🚦🚦

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG.

Three paragraphs in outline form:

"Adultery is when we watch porn"

"David (raped) Bathsheba"

"Jesus walks beside us, carrying us, holding our hand and picking us up when we fall down."

👆👆👆 - That's rape culture in a nutshell.

Ironically the three paragraph combo of OVER STATING attraction as 'lust' then UNDERSTATING rape as 'attraction' is exactly the kind of thing that I would say pluck your eyes out and chop your hands off for.

Not seeing someone fit and thinking they'd be fun to hook up with.

Cleansing the timeline with some bi lighting. Phew. I'm exhausted.

One thing, at least the writer is clear. He thinks masturbation is wrong and says so clearly. That's often not the case, so at least he's done that.
His reasons:

A. That you can't do it without thinking about sex.

👆👆👆 That's (not always) mainly a given, so sure, but I disagree that's a problem.

B. Can lead to addiction, slippery slope to 'a life rules by your penis'.

👆👆 I'm sure it can (most things can lead to addiction in excess, all things in balance). My advice, don't do things that you don't want to do. Set yourself good boundaries. Build a healthy sexual ethic.

C. Masturbation isn't real sex. "God created sex to be a team effort"

👆👆 Well...

Fair play to the author, he also says, "Don't try and change your patterns of behaviour if you don't want to; that just doesn't work." Agreed. "Doing it doesn't make us bad people. God can forgive, but God has a better life for us." End of this chapter.

Let's go back to this "God made sex as a team activity thing". First off all, did they? Just because one thing is good, doesn't mean another thing isn't also good. However many (or none) partners in sex you have, it's YOUR body and you get to choose.

https://twitter.com/MattDrapps/status/1361311802852786177?s=19

Keep in mind that (I'm guessing, I'll correct this if I'm wrong), this author (reviewed by the Evangelical Alliance) likely thinks that LBG+ folk should be celibate for life. Are they expected to never enjoy orgasm or climax (not that all sex involves either)

There is of course no mention within the book of asexual people, or people who might choose to not have sex or who might simply not enjoy sex, the assumption seems to always be that the audience is gagging for it but must not even look

The word 'consent' has still not been used, and the closest we've come to bodily autonomy is:

"people's bodies are not something that can simply be used and abused to turn you on" (Was that ever an assumption?)

“that's a human being, SOMEONE'S SISTER OR DAUGHTER" 👈 um

A. I always think the authors of these kinds of books are MAJORLY telling on themselves when they write phrases like the above.

B. "That's a human being." Full stop. No need for BROTHER or FATHER to humanise her, (or own her as property?)

I'm gunna HURL 🤮

"After David slept with Bathsheba he wrote Psalm 51 as a way of saying sorry to God. If you have overstepped the mark, maybe you could read Psalm 51 to God as your way of saying sorry."

👆👆👆 DAVID COLD BLOODED RAPED HER AND KILLED HER HUSBAND YOU PRICK!!!

He didn't OVERSTEP the mark. Imma go fume.

David said sorry to God. TO GOD.

Where was Bathsheba in all this, you absolute and literal wanker???

I need a cup of tea before I tackle the next chapter where the author visits a sex worker. Who wants a cookie?

Long story short, the author went to Prague with friends, age 18, ran into some men who decided to invite them to their room (?) for beers and took them to a strip club and a 'brothel'

"After thirty minutes in the brothel I gave in. I didn't have penetrative sex, but I went way too far."

Benjamin.

I feel like sitting the young author down to let him know this one thing: Your Body is Your Own. YOU decide what you do with it. YOU decide who you get to enjoy sex with (if they also decide to do that with THEIR bodies that belong to THEM.) If you do not want to have sex, don't.

*which, of course does not apply in a case of sexual abuse where someone takes away another person's choice over sex and their body. But for the 18 year old Ben, in Prague, that was a choice he made with the knowledge he had. Own it.

Hands up if you think the author pauses to discuss sex work, the rights of sex workers, decriminalisation, or consent.

Hands up if you think he goes into a guilt spiral that doesn't appear to involve the other woman at all. 🖐️

If your hand is up, you are absolutely right.

"The feeling of guilt that greeted me straight after was all consuming. I knew I had screwed up. The guilt didn't leave for six months. Every time I thought about what I had done I was filled with shame."

Why? What did you do???

He doesn't say anything that he might have done to the sex worker that he should feel ashamed of. Doesn't suggest that he abused her, though of course some places can be abusive to sex workers and they should be listened to.

I'm not qualified to talk about sex work extensively, but I know that (in the instances where someone is involved in that with who doesn't want to be) it can be (not always) because of economic reasons, or because other employment isn't available.

I'm confident his guilty feeling wasn't related to a lack of intentional effort put into advocating for better immigration opportunities, racial equality, opportunities for women, against discrimination in the workplace towards trans people, etc.

In the text itself, he BARELY gives the person he saw a second thought. She isn't directly mentioned in the passage, nor in his guilty musings. Where is she in this? Where was Bathsheba? This book is supposedly written in his newly enlightened stage when he treats women WELL

But once again, they are entirely missing from the narrative.

Look... I feel sorry for this author. He got dragged into Purity Guilt Based culture at a young age (five!) and has stayed stuck there, but, I also don't feel sorry got him because he can't handle the yolk himself but wrote a full on book to strap that yolk to the next gen.

Let's look at this quote again. "Went way too far..." This is exactly the kind of expression you use when there is a Line you believe you shouldn't cross, but you'll do your damn hardest to fall over it.

https://twitter.com/MattDrapps/status/1361320919302631425?s=19

The Line based sexual model is awful. I bring it up all the time when people argue the, "Gay Vicars are fine but they can't have sex" OKAY BUT WHAT IS SEX. Define, define, define. When it's all about The Line, it ain't about the heart.

If you have a Line Based sexual model and the line is, "Don't even look with attraction." You're over the line before you wake up in the morning, you're moving the line about so often that you get tangled up in it.

I'm not a Biblical scholar*, but I don't read Jesus saying as, "You've heard it said that you should not (cross the line) but I say (the line is actually here.)"

But rather as: "You've heard it said (don't cross the line) but I say (what's in your heart?)"

*at the time, his discussion of marriage/adultery/divorce was also linked to the safety and financial security of women, let's not forget.

So anyway, this author goes to Prague with his mates, meets some guys, has a few beers, goes to a strip club, goes to a brothel and that's when he (in his mind) crosses the line by doing stuff with an unnamed woman.

I'm old fashioned and prudish (believe it or not!) by upbringing and nature, and I try not to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do when it comes to Sexual Ethic except HAVE ONE and FOLLOW IT.

If you are going to feel shit about doing something, don't do it.

If all you are doing is pressing yourself as close to a Line as possible - that's not a sexual ethic, that's not internally motivated and you're gunna do things you regret based on what you WISH you would do. It's not your line, so you only pretend to care about it.

Anyway, the author, who wasn't using a Consent Based model of body autonomy, kinda blames the random guys for dragging him into crossing The Line, even though he made the choices, and he feels guilty afterwards (for months.)

A mess.

He goes on to talk about how did some people Guilt can be a slap in the face and make you do better. But (no shock) not for him. For him, it's not about focusing in on your choices, reflecting, adjusting and making better choices. Got him, guilt is a prison.

A prison of Purity Culture he has now deftly rebuilt around the new readers (one of his reviewers is "15 year old lad")

He talks about God's forgiveness (good), the Prodigal son (of course) and that sexual sin is not worse than other sons (good, but also, define sexual sin because sexual abuse is WAY WORSE) and that doing everything you can to (not masturbate) is for God's glory not his approval.

I have to stop again, and remind people that Sexual ABUSE is horrendous, life altering, body harming, sometimes life ending, sin. Sin = Harm.

You can't shrug that off with a Psalm and a prayer. So, maybe focus on some of those REAL issues instead of consensual sex or wanking.

I will spare you a version of the story of the 'Woman caught in adultery' that focuses on Jesus forgiving her guilt (and takes time out to describe what she's not wearing). You're welcome.

Babe, you are the MEN in this story, not the woman.

I swear i....

"Jesus...hanging between life and death....took responsibility for the boy that first masturbated at 12...accepted punishment for the man that visited the prostitute..."

"He took the punishment for the times you had sex with your girlfriend."

*insert punishment joke here but absolutely no kink shaming*

"He took the penalty for the darkest moments in your life."

Look, I don't think you are doing sex right if

"This is the beginning and the end in a man's fight against being controlled by his penis. Jesus saves you, Jesus rescues you and Jesus frees you."

👆 👆 👆 Let it be known the author has not discussed any of the ways that people actually sexually abuse others.

As much as I appreciate a chapter about how God loves you NOW even if you are involved in "sexual sin", I'd prefer a chapter about harm prevention, awareness of Sexual Abuse and not so much 'forgive yourself' as, "reflect on whether your actions are harming yourself or others."

"It was a warm day for the middle of winter and the sun was shining over my keyboard..." (Oh here we go.) "I was just having a look on social media when all of a sudden a picture catches my eye. A flash of skin and my body, specially my penis, begins to wake up."

No!!!!! Not the flash of skin!

*cue me running around the area stabbing red flags all over the place*

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🚩 🚩
🚩 🚩
🚩 🚩
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Twas a flash of skin, yer officer.

I am SCREAMING "I take a deep breath and try to think of dead badgers." Stop I'm gunna fall off the bed laughing.

The "flash of skin" led to temptation led to action argument honestly is the author telling on themselves. I really can't go into that one right now.

Purity/Rape Culture 101.

Not for me that.

It just flashed up on my (saved images) but it's honestly an inconvenient time so I'm just gunna leave it be for now.

A little regulation of thoughts, a little balance, a little calm, a little attracted, not a big problem.

"Finding freedom from being controlled by your sexual desires and impulses is easier said than done...this isn't made any easier by the fact that pictures and videos of naked women are so accessible."

*blink*

(Porn) he says, "create a fantasy world where we are the centre. Our makes sex about 'me' not 'us'. The women we look at stop becoming people..."

👆 👆 I think you've already done that mate by the read of this book where women only feature as undressed sex objects of male gaze

Brief backtrack, he also says (hilariously) "you can easily find pictures, even if your not trying." - can you though? 👀 Let me tell you (as a gay man) I see 0 naked women on my Internet without trying.

I saw naked women on Naked Attraction the other day. First time in years.

Back to this, and let me say something very very clearly: The Porn You Consume, and How You Consume it, is a Choice You Make.

https://twitter.com/MattDrapps/status/1361349496811245572?s=19

IF as a straight man, the porn you choose to watch centers male pleasure to the exclusion of female pleasure (within the fantasy of the porn video), that is a CHOICE YOU MAKE.

IF as a straight man, the porn you watch dehumanises women THAT IS A CHOICE YOU MAKE.

IF the porn you watch is not what you want to see, doesn't seem consentual (whatever level) or contains (real or acted) abuse* that you don't want to internalise turn it off and watch something else.

*I'm not qualified to discuss kink in porn and some acted out abuse

In 2021, there is porn that is fully under the creative and consentual control of those acting within it. Honestly if you want to go after an aspect of the porn industry, attack those who are pirating others work and profiting off it. If that's your concern.

But the point I'm focusing on, and this is where Purity Culture writers consistently put themselves, is that you CHOOSE what porn you watch, and whether that porn dehumanises women or not.

"We think the women belong to us."

No we fucking don't!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DO BENJAMIN. THIS IS A YOU PROBLEM.

👆👆👆👆👆 If you think women 'belong to you' because you saw naked women performing sex in a video, you shouldn't honestly leave the house???

I can hardly... "We think nothing is off-limits."

No. We don't! We don't think that!!!! I'm absolutely SCREAMING. HAVE YOU HEARD OF CONSENT BENJAMIN???

Literally the idea that you watch porn and it gives you an excuse to think of anyone as belonging to you, or 'nothing off limits' is so disgusting that I really cannot

Okay, fair enough, if this is what the author actually thinks. Porn is just out there lurking, and when it gets you, suddenly you want to run out and OWN women and do what you want.

Stop and address that in the book

Explain such attitudes are not okay because Everyone is an individual with choice over what THEY do with THEIR bodies, and that without consent, it's sexual abuse and rape.

Going from the paragraph about women belonging to you, straight into a paragraph advocating alternative of marriage is NOT doing the heavy lifting required.

If your porn habbits have put you in a place where you dehumanize women, do not marry a woman* until you've done something about that beyond repeating a Psalm!

*two people, he says. Which is inclusive (maybe) or maybe just eliminating women from the text again.

He says you need to change your heart. (I pause, rapt, wondering if he might discuss the attitude adjustment that is required to begin to move from Purity Culture to a Consent Based Model), he says, whey we follow Jesus we get a new heart.

I...

But, wait, there's more, he says God doesn't actually just win the fight for you (no, they don't, it requires significant attitude adjustme---), he says its like a Muay Thai fighting match.

No you infernal TWASSOCK, it's not like a Muay Thai Boxing match. You can't MACHO your way out of Purity Culture.

I swear i...

Here comes the 'porn is the crack-cocaine of sex addiction' chapter, along with a very scientific discussion of dopamine. Well done, riveting stuff, never been heard before.

Oh no, here comes the, "we need a bigger fix to get the same high. We begin to need more of it and darker versions of it to reach the same heights."

👆 👆 NO YOU Do, not we, you!

Right, I don't have the research on this (someone link me if there is some), but THIS oft repeated "slippery slope" argument is one that I've heard for all my adult life and you know what, I thought it was true at one point? but

That's what I call an excuse. It's something that Christian men tell each other so that when they watch things they want to watch, they can blame the slippery slope!

Some men never grew up with slash fan fics that they read over and over again did they

Unless by darker, you mean the Zach Snyder Batman and Superman getting it on in updated fics, what he's saying is that, the porn choices he makes are poor and maybe involve abuse???????

"We may struggle to be around women without sexually objectifying them..."

God I hope this man is not a pastor. Please. I pray 🙏

"Go to #fightthenewdrug and #yourbrainonporn and watch some of the videos"

"Most people don't begin their journey into porn by watching hard-core porn for six hours each day and masturbating till they drop." - No, I don't think they do, no, you're absolutely right about that 😂

He keeps saying that God changed him, but not overnight, but God will change you, but you have to put the work in, but its God, but God doesn't just do it, but its God.

Okay, but what ACTUALLY 'helped'.

One helpful looking nugget, find other ways to enjoy life (or in his words, worship God by going on a walk).

👆👆 Well yes, because healthy sex* is just one aspect of a whole life, in balance with other joys.

*not all sex plays the role of joy in your life, as some people are sex workers, some don't want or enjoy sex, and sex can be transactional in complex situations. I don't want to belittle those experiences with the phrase 'healthy sex'.

"One of the most freeing things a human can do is to tell someone their deepest, darkest secret."

Indeed. And one of the most responsible things that other person can do if the secret is ACTUALLY harmful is report to the relevant safe guarding person.

If this 'deepest, darkest secret' is NOT harmful, then absolutely, share aspects of your life with one another including struggles and joys, where appropriate.

If you don't want to do something, and talking about it will help, crack on my friend!

BUT, please stay aware that cults (and Purity Culture) often use hiddeness, 'dark' secrets, shame and 'so-called' accountability to control their members.

Stay aware, keep in balance.

This is also one of the areas where sexual abuse becomes normalised, when a member of a congregation or leadership team "shares" a "deep secret" and in doing so expels their responsibility for their actions, receives forgiveness, and goes about their business!

In the world of this book LGB+ people simply do not exist. Oh well we avoided that 😂😂😂

"Every person....will have experienced this sensation...one minute you feel in control of yourself and the next you feel as though there is zero control. The red mist of lust, desire and self-gratification has descended and it feels like there's nothing you can do about it."

👆👆👆 ALL THE NO's.

WHY do Christian men insist on telling young men that they are uncontrolled beasts!!! Who can be caught up in a red mist of wild sexual abuse?

That's rape culture. Look it up.

I cannot

So the book then says, everyone had triggers that start the process to watching porn (being tired, seeing a magazine cover (?), being online at night, etc). When you get triggered, stop.

The end.

Aaahhhhaha

And then an epilogue about how he doesn't think about sex 24/7 any more. Like, good for you? You probably wouldn't think about sex 24/7 even without the Muay Thai fight because your puberty hormones settle down over time (also, because, maybe, you have a job and bills to pay.)

Like, some people still think about sex a bunch as they grow older, and absolutely enjoy, but having other priorities and having to balance out your life as a grown up probably helped slow your roll, matey, no offence.

"I stopped seeing women as objects for my pleasure and started to respect them and see all woman..." (as human? in control of their own bodies? autonomous?) "as children of God."

Close but no cigar!!!!

This throw back to his wedding speech of arrogant sex tips because he didn't like his family talking to him about female pleasure is *chefs kiss*

So, in conclusion, absolutely no wrestling with concepts like consent (not mentioned once in the book), no defining Sexual Sin as anything beyond wanking, no women named or described (except appearance - clothed or unclothed) in the book and the conclusion was, "Don't wank."

This book is a resource that goes out to schools via @nakedtruthteam

@threadreaderapp Unroll please my dear.