Thread by @TheRealHoarse

My mom got a vaccine appointment.

She told me and I was like “Oh, that’s good...” but then I was sitting in the car later and it hit me.

Man, that is such a relief.

My family has a stoic and pragmatic relationship with death. Or, with dying, really.

My mother’s mother ended her own life. We all knew she would. It wasn’t a surprise. It wasn’t up for debate.

When my grandfather passed away, she told the family “I have three years.”

“Whatever you want to do with me, we’ve got three years.”

And she meant it.

So, she traveled and spent time with her sisters.

And then when the 3 years were over, it was her time to go.

She had emphysema. It had robbed her of quality of life. She was satisfied with her life.

And we all understood and accepted it.

Now, back to my mom...

When COVID first struck, my mom told in the way you notify someone of your wishes, “No ventilator for me. If I get sick and get to that point, it’s okay. I don’t want them to do more.”

I said “Let’s not cross that bridge when we don’t come to it.”

And then I pushed that whole thought deep, deep into the compartmentalized box reserved for stuff that exists but you very much don’t need to keep present.

And now she has a vax appt and it hits me how heavily the weight of the possibility of my mother getting sick has sat on my shoulders.

I love my mom. I am so relieved.

It’s a strange feeling to be relieved to the point of tears for the lifting of a weight you stoically buried.

And now I’m going to wipe my face and get out of the car and get that cup of coffee after sitting in this parking lot on a rainy, terrible Saturday that just became the most relieving day of the past year.

And for that, I’m thankful.

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