Tweet

Sooz Kempner

Follow @SoozUK

9 Mar, 18 tweets, 5 min read

THREAD: How the contestants of season six of Australia’s Married at First Sight feel about Harry and Meghan’s Oprah interview.

INES: Thinks Meghan is a “she-beast” and has slid into Harry’s Insta DMs.

CYRELL: Can’t believe Harry didn’t offer to help Meghan with feeding the chickens and thinks that was so disrespectful of him.

MIKE: Got bored and complained coz “this isn’t therapy, it’s meant to be just a laugh”. Has advised Harry in an Insta story to "just have a laugh" but is yet to hear anything back.

DINO: Waved his dick at the moon out of respect for the couple in question. Went on to recite an 18 minute monologue he memorised about peace.

JESS: Got hammered and was crying by the second ad break.

BRONSON: When Harry said of William “our relationship is ‘space’ at the moment” Bronson said it was “a really good sign”.

MARK & NING: When Harry first appeared Mark said "looks like he's been down the gym" and Ning started crying because Mark should know how she feels about the gym.

JULES & CAM: Just incredibly happy and happy with everything and happy.

NIC: Couldn't watch the interview as he got stuck outside his house coz Cyrell's brother Ivan was on the doorstep and he won't move. He's been out there for 2 days now and Oprah has offered to intervene.

MELISSA: Was heard to say "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" during the credits.

MARTHA & MICHAEL: "........"

LAUREN: Realised 45 minutes in that she was the Diana of MAFS season 6.

MICK: Mainly loved the "Humphrey Yogart" bit from the beginning. Has talked about little else since he heard it.

HEIDI: DM'd Oprah asking if she'd like to do an interview with her about "my life story". Went on to piss herself.

ELIZABETH: Screamed "DON'T FUCKING TRUST HIM, BABE" when Harry arrived for his portion of the interview. Scoffed whenever he and Meghan held hands. There was lipliner EVERYWHERE by the end.

SAM: Hopes Piers Morgan is ok.

MATT: *blink blink blink blink blink*

Did this after only seeing 15 episodes so for all I know a bunch of them turn out to be murderers or something.

If you enjoy this nonsense you can drop me a dollar or two at paypal.me/soozkempner.

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

More from @SoozUK

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

10 Mar

In 2016 I was lunged at by an Hermes delivery guy when I was signing for a parcel in Ilford where I was housesitting. It was horrible, obvs. Later I had a gig and returning at 11pm I had to decide whether to walk 15 minutes from the station or get an Uber. NEITHER appealed.

I don't think a lot of people get that sometimes there are NO options that feel safe when returning home from something because, on that day in particular, men were fucking scary to me. The other option is: never leave the house and definitely never answer the door.

We're now three-and-a-half years after #metoo and people hear about a cop being arrested for the disappearance of a woman walking home at night and their first thought is "ah, she shouldn't have walked home alone at night". Fuck you, you have no idea.

Read 4 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

9 Mar

Meghan Markle's father (I'm not gonna name him) getting airtime is foul. If you have never been in the position of having to estrange yourself from a parent you won't have a clue of the level it has to get to before you cut ties. No interest in his mewling display.

When you cut a parent off it's after years of pain. The act itself is horrendous. You lose people you've known your whole life as they decide the problem was you. Other people periodically tell you "he's very proud of you, you know" etc like you asked.

Imagine all of the above and then national publications and ratings-smash TV shows inviting the parent on to "give my side". Fuck you if you have anything other than empathy for the estranged child, no matter how "just annoying though" you find her.

Read 4 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

4 Mar

Malcolm Dempster has a spare room to rent.

Malcolm lays down a few rules for his lucky new tenant.

Malcolm shows off his best impressions.

Read 6 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

4 Mar

FUCKING WHAT

THIS JUST SOUNDS LIKE STAR WARS MUSIC IF YOU PUT IT THROUGH THE TOTAL CUNT-A-TRON!

me: "I need to go to sleep"
me 2 minutes later: "I need to stay up night reading about Scientology's jazz band" theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2…

Read 4 tweets

Sooz Kempner

@SoozUK

2 Mar

THREAD: Postman Pat album listening party highlights.

On twitch.tv/soozkempner we listened to the whole of the Postman Pat album. Things got wild.

Postman Pat album Twitch listening party highlights #2

We talk about the Frasier reboot and check out my celeb.wiki which says I'm worth up to $5million.

Postman Pat album Twitch listening party highlights #3

We discuss whether or not Miss Rebecca Hubbard is a TERF and decide which Greendale residents are anti-vaxxers.