I'm listening to talks. Lots of them. Absorbing. Nothing wrong with the input but my brain is so, so foggy, and blank. Still, I'm trusting the work is being done even when I can't wrap words around it. No articulation of a framework or a method possible other than feeling.
I painted a little today, I was frustrated with my gessoed panel. Frustrated with the blank white spaces at the edge of the painting, annoyed with priming substrates and beginning with the lightest values first.
As I was painting (or being annoyed about painting, rather), I was thinking about the fear of saturating the substrate with pigment, the fear of starting with dark values and the way they resist undoing, what it means to fill the tooth of a page, to sink or sag a substrate
I like working with cotton - watercolour paper - because of what it can or cannot bear. So much of what I have been taught, again, is to stretch taut to resist the warping of the paper. But what if I am interested in the warp and what the cotton can bear or not bear?
I tried to translate some of the ink-work I have been doing to a more solid substrate (birch panel) but it was not satisfying or revelatory. The image is flattened, the pigment floats on top of the gesso. This too is a way of putting pressure on the method itself!
Why do I keep telling myself that the art is supposed to inform my writing instead of being my primary mode of thinking through just in and of itself? (Letting go of one's training is hard)
A beautiful thing: the way the gold pigment settled at the bottom of my dirty water cup. How it looks like a little universe when it is stirred up again.
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Doing my taxes and thinking about money in terms of underemployment and chronic illness (I have never been able to work full-time) and wasted, low-paying years in academia makes me feel many feelings, all of which are very, very bad.
I am so tired of doctor's appointments and intake forms that are all about making sure I can work. More work. always work. Getting work so I can afford treatments I absolutely can't afford because I do not have full-time work and/or benefits. I'm...I'm so tired.
I'm trying to figure out how to have the energy to do scholarly reading and writing when it doesn't pay. I've been putting my limited energy into some small contracts I've gotten, or into job applications, or trying to deal with the upkeep of my body.
I'm returning to some of the texts that I first considered when I first learned to write as a "scholar" (however one wants to define that), and so much of that is also about revisiting the deep and lasting harm of the very early and formative "mentorship" I had from white women
I am looking at some of the earliest work I ever produced. I am tracing my citational practices - down to the very first epigraph I ever chose - as a way of understanding this harm, and seeing moments where my hesitancy to write otherwise was really a fear of losing mentorship.
I know that many folks look back on their early work with embarrassment. But there is something really...really hard when that early embarrassing work, down to the kind of analysis you learned to produce, is reflective of really fucked-up relationships and abuses of power.
"'Inclusive excellence' is a way to maybe offer kinder or gentler exclusion, or a less transparent exclusion. But the category of excellence is still going to retain its ideological agenda until we confront it on a systematic, everyday, concrete basis." - Dr. Roderick Ferguson
(This is from Dr. Ferguson's #DiversityAtKU talk - couldn't fit the hashtag in this first Tweet!)
As I'm listening to Dr. Ferguson's talk I'm thinking about these current cluster hires for Black faculty (like at McMaster University, where I recently held a postdoc), and how universities talk endlessly about Black excellence but haven't even made commitments to Black life.
I'm currently doing an intake form for the pain clinic that does surgical procedures and I think it's hilarious (in a bad and awful way) that we still give these pain questionnaires to people like they 1) are somehow neutral; 2) aren't written from an abled perspective of pain
I see you, questionnaires, trying to elicit a particular narrative from me.
"Patient note: I've opted not to complete these particular questionnaires for X reasons, I'm happy to discuss my relationship to pain and illness more at our intake session!" is a phrase I just annotated this with.
I wonder for how many other scholars who have taken time away from their research (or from whom research time has been taken away) there is a significant forgetting of what you know. I can't name a lot of what I read anymore. I feel, often, like I would be embarrassed to teach.
In the five years since I finished my PhD, I have not done research for many reasons. First, because I was unemployed and too worried about money - for a while my only income was poorly-paid marking at a local college - to even think or write or read.
And then, I had a non-academic job, and I commuted three hours round-trip each day for it. At one point, I worked four days a week at that job and then commuted out to UBC to write sometimes, since I still knew grad students in the department.
Can't wait to quote MC Hammer in my (hopefully eventual) MSc thesis one day. I am also working on risk of bias assessments of clinical trials today so am as always thinking about the broader ecosystem of judgment and knowledge-creation in which we do scientific work...
Which is to say that my thinking about questions about truth and certainty and reliability in the humanities (and the systems of power and relation in which they circulate) is what drives my interest in the sciences as well, and why I care so much about evidence synthesis.
This morning/afternoon, I'm attending a symposium on automation for systematic reviews, and the questions of who creates the automation and what underlying philosophies or assumptions we use to automate synthesis (as with any form of automation) are deeply important!