Thread by @BonicMichael

Let’s Share The Korean Peninsula
(What a brilliant idea, why didn’t I think of it? Oh wait, I did.)
[A Theatrical Parody]

A diplomat stands up to address the other diplomats seated at a table:

2/DPRK Diplomat: “OK we fought a bloody war to decide who gets control the Korean Peninsula. It was too brutal so we signed an Armistice. And now you you want us to decide who rules over a reunited Korea in this room?!”

ROK Diplomat: “Pretty much. It’s better than fighting.”

3/DPRK Diplomat: “We’ll never give up our Socialism. How can we resolve in this room what couldn’t be settled on the battlefield?”

US Diplomat: “Just give us all of your nukes DPRK, and all of the splendors of Western capitalism will be yours to enjoy.”

DPRK Diplomat: “Ha! You

4/"know nothing about our collective socialist values and how much we eschew the material excesses of the bourgeoisie Americans.”

US Diplomat: “Suit yourself. But we’re not going to sign a peace settlement as long as you have nukes.”

ROK Diplomat: “Neither will we.”

5/DPRK Diplomat: “You are a parrot ROK trained by the US. You mimic your master's words well."

ROK Diplomat: “You don’t know what the crackers are like. They are the best.”

DPRK Diplomat: “We are a sovereign nation with a constitution. We have the right to defend ourselves.

6/"It’s you, US, that threatens us w/ nuclear first strike and who impels us to employ nuclear deterrence.”

US Diplomat: “We know. But our nuclear button is bigger than yours, and the UN does what we say like an obedient lap dog. So you’re up Sh#t’s Creek without a paddle.”

7/China Diplomat: “No one’s going to decide who rules a reunited Korea this way. We should consult the I Ching.”

Russian Diplomat: “Can we sell DPRK paddles?”

DPRK Diplomat: “This is total BS. You have rigged the rules against us US and we won’t play your game. You do USFK

8/"military training exercises targeting us, but say we cannot do defense drills to improve out national defense? You know where to shove it.”

UN Diplomat: “Those are our rules and you have to play by them.”

DPRK Diplomat: “Like this is some kind of game - But this is no game!

9/"The question left unanswered on the battlefield cannot be answered here. We will never submit to a German-style Reunification. The two Koreas should remain separated and coexist peacefully.”

ROK Diplomat: “Not when you have nukes. You’re planning to reinvade South Korea.

10/"We’re supposed to be talking about your willingness to completely denuclearize. Capitalism is better than Socialism. Give up your nukes, your Socialism & your sovereignty. You’ll be happier.”

DPRK Diplomat: “Put the pipe down ROK and go jump in the lake. No, the US can’t be

11/"trusted w/ paper promises. We know what we must do: Develop 2nd strike capability to prevent the US from attacking us.”

US Diplomat: “Come on, play nice. If you don’t we’ll just add more sanctions, make life more miserable for you and then blame you for it. It’s our way or

12/"or the highway.”

DPRK Diplomat: “You’re so full of it US. You are holding peace hostage. Add more sanctions, we don’t care. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” You do not know how to coexist peacefully w/ the nuclear DPRK. We want to live at peace w/ all nations,

13/"but the only thing you can do be hostile. Keep being hostile then, you’ll see what results from that.”

ROK Diplomat: “DPRK is making threats again.”

China Diplomat: "We must take a multilateral approach US. Give more thought on how to peacefully resolve the Korea question."