Thread by @erikaheidewald

the topic of ADHD meds and addiction was making me think about how we discuss addiction as if it is a monolithic experience and this has always been confusing for me because i don’t get physically addicted to things. i just don’t. i don’t know what that feels like, at all

nobody ever acknowledged this as a possible reality so i’ve tested it over and over again. anything i like and do consistently, i’ll quit for a while just to see what happens. i’d hear people talk about what it was like to quit coffee or soda or sugar so i’d try it and.. nothing

i started vaping because i enjoy it and also because i don’t have great impulse control and i despise cigarettes but i would smoke them if people offered them to me so i decided i’d get a juul and never accept a cigarette again. that worked. i decided to quit vaping a year ago

i was really curious if i’d experience the withdrawals and stuff people talked about bc i’d never had a nicotine craving but i felt like maybe i am just so delusional i tell myself i don’t have them because actually i am addicted? but i didn’t feel anything. i felt normal.

after a while i decided to start vaping again because i like it. i’ve done my research, i feel fine with the low level of risk involved. i’d just quit because i felt like i should. the constant narrative of “you must be addicted to these things if you use them” made me paranoid

i don’t have to not do things because other people get addicted to them. i don’t. i very much see the difference. i’ve seen my friends having nicotine cravings and withdrawals and i can tell they are going through something really difficult that i have never experienced.

i had a friend steal from me when she was struggling with cocaine addiction and i saw it with my own eyes right in front of me and i knew i’d never experienced what she was feeling. i felt awful for her because it was clearly not her and she wasn’t in control. i couldn’t be mad.

it kinda pisses me off that for years people were basically gaslighting me telling me that i must be addicted to things because those things are addictive to other people and it was really fucking confusing and caused a lot of self-doubt. i doubted my perception of reality

it was like - if i think i have never had a craving or withdrawal feeling, if i deeply believe i am not addicted to anything, does that mean i am actually so horrifically addicted that i have completely deluded myself? that’s the psychological turmoil it used to put me in.

but now, i’ve tested it enough. i know myself. i’ve met a few other autistic and ND people who have mentioned the same thing to me, so i know that it’s a real thing for some of us. i know many NDs do struggle with addiction, so i feel like it may be another area with a wide range

autistic people have hyper- and hypo-sensitivities. i have incredible hearing and vision and almost no sense of smell and very dull sense of taste. addiction must be like that, too - some of us tend to get addicted to things very easily, and some of us not at all.

i’d really like for society to start acknowledging that addiction is far more complicated than people make it seem and it doesn’t happen to everyone. some people need ADHD or pain meds to function and treating us like we’re addicted is harmful to our mental and physical health.

it also really trivializes what people go through when they are dealing with addiction. i can stop doing anything i do whenever i want and will feel no physical repercussions. they can’t. don’t say that we are the same, that’s cruel to all of us.

meds don’t affect my body the same way they do other people and it’s actually really frustrating bc there are never any answers for me, just people telling me i must be wrong or lying. i’ve avoided taking most meds bc they just didn’t do anything. normal dosages do nothing.

i would actually love to have medical information that applies to me. i’d love to know for sure what is safe and effective without having to do experiments on myself after consulting medical journals to try and figure out what levels of meds will kill me so i can avoid those

i’ve had headaches almost every day of my life and taking fewer than four ibuprofen at once is a waste, it does nothing. so i research the shit out of every drug i take and see how much i can take how often without killing my organs and i only take them if my pain is over a 5

this is ridiculous. despite billions of dollars being spent on research into autism - focused on how to make us act neurotypical or not exist at all - every autistic person i know has almost zero information about our health & we have to play guess & check our whole lives

very random side note but bc a lot of people also feel like meds don’t work on them - the only nausea med i have ever found that works is Ondansetron/Zofran. i was fucking shocked bc nothing else has ever worked. if you have a problem with nausea try bringing it up to your doc 🤷‍♀️