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Elie Mystal Profile picture
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5 Apr, 4 tweets, 1 min read
[OPEN: Taylor Swift, with Diet Coke]
Swift: The makers of Coke and Pepsi have had a lot of disagreements over the years.
[Enter Kendal Jenner, with Pepsi]
Jenner: But one thing we can all agree on...
Swift & Jenner in unison: The racism of the Georgia State Legislature is bad...
Swift: That's why we're teaming up
[Swift throws Coke off screen. It morphs into Gatorade now held by Jenner and LeBron]
LeBron: To get racism out of voting rights.
[Gatorade kicked out of LeBron's hands morphs into Powerade caught by Alex Morgan]
Morgan: Or Kick it out..
[All four in unison, with respective drinks]: Voter Suppression Is Not Okay. Not In Georgia:
Swift: Or Missouri
Jenner: Or Texas
Morgan: Or Arizona
LeBron: Or even the North Pole
[POLAR BEAR joins the team. Open Coke. Is about to sip. But then speaks]
Bear: Stop. Being. Assholes.
The Polar Bear is voiced by Tom Hanks... OBVIOUSLY!

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More from @ElieNYC

Elie Mystal Profile picture
7 Apr
It's hard to express my sadness about the sudden passing of @MidwinCharles. We have lost a true warrior for justice today. I didn't get to know her for very long, but I am so enriched and lucky to have known her at all.
Many will know her from her TV appearances, where she offered tight expert analysis of the issues, while being her full, beautiful self, and maintaining exquisite composure.
But I'd like to point out that, while she was doing that, she maintained an active practice...
as a criminal and civil defense attorney, often working for underserved groups who ordinarily have trouble accessing a lawyer of her caliber. Midwin was not a "tv lawyer," she was a real one, who used tv as part of her advocacy.
Read 4 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
6 Apr
Ahh, we've reached the "isn't it true that Black people can develop super human strength and doesn't that mean more force can be used to crush the windpipes of these aliens who use the sun's power against us?" stage of the Chauvin defense.
Isn't it true that even after choking a Black man unconscious, it's possible for the Black man to regain consciousness and then be, like, *really* angry and, potentially, make you very sorry that you didn't kill them when you had the chance?
If other black people are AROUND when you are choking a Black man to death, and they become angry, wouldn't that be a good reason to go on and finish killing the Black man, because if he is enlivened by the support of his community he might wake up and take your daughter to prom?
Read 8 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
24 Mar
There white people who think I wrote the story about how Black people aren't here to serve white people as a service to white people. And thus am inviting white criticism of MY OWN DAMN EXPERIENCES.

Which just, like, takes some fucking NERVE man.
Like, if you read it and you learned a little something, I'm happy for you. And if you read it and learned nothing, I'm sorry for you. But, it wasn't really about you. NOT EVERY GODDAMN THING IS ABOUT YOU.
I wrote it (well at first to help MYSELF process my own feelings, as one sometimes does, when one is A WRITER).
I turned it into a post because A LOT of nonwhite people are feeling what I'm feeling, and I have the unique opportunity AND responsibility to give voice to that.
Read 5 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
24 Mar
So... one thing that happens in hard core "intelligent design" circles is that they say humans could never have been "naturally selected this way" and one of the things they'll point to is the argument that bipeds are easy prey for faster quadrupeds...
There are lots of ways to prove them wrong (bipeds are good tree climbers, for instance) but my favorite is THIS.

The FIRST early hominid self-defense mechanism, before tool use, was very like this: THROWING GODDAMN ROCKS.
Early hominids were likely the very first mammals, on the goddamn planet, to have a *ranged attack.*

I like to think about just how *confused* a saber-tooth tiger must of have been, when it first got pelted by rocks.
Read 5 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
24 Mar
Wife (to 8yo, in mom explaining voice): This is actually a good way to understand hyperinflation. [Explains] And that's why sometimes people want to have money back up by something like gold.
Me (barging in, using Dadsplaining voice):...
BUT, the "gold standard" is actually a devious way some rich countries try to cut off growth opportunities in the developing world, keeping those countries forever beholden to their evil banks.
Wife (annoyed and looking dead at me but keeping the Momsplain voice on):...
Yes, which is why I was about to explain about how now there's a new movement to have central banks issue their own digital currency, which, as I'm sure your father was just about to explain, could be a way for those countries to take control without risking hyperinflation...
Read 4 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
21 Mar
Waiting in the CVS parking lot, this old white lady drives by, rolls down her window, and shouts at this black girl with a bag (clearly waiting for her ride:
"Is this where you get the vaccines?"
Black girl (couldn't have been more than 16) says nothing, goes back into phone...
White lady "I SAID, Is this where you get the vaccines?"
Girl now does an elaborate *look behind to see if there is somebody else this lady should be talking to*, LIKE AN EMPLOYEE. Says nothing.
White lady, screaming at the top of her lungs "IS THIS WHERE YOU GET THE VACCINES"...
Now people behind her in the lot start honking at her. She yells "THE SERVICE" as she rolls up her window and drives off.

To recap: Old white lady shouts herself out of vaccine information after assuming every random black person she sees is put on earth to help her...
Read 5 tweets

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