Thread by @erikaheidewald

i finally figured out the pattern of some very confusing conversations I've been having lately! I am so relieved. This is not a subtweet of anyone, if I had a conversation like this with you I'm not trying to shit on you, it just kept happening a lot & was mystifying

I keep having these massive misunderstandings with people I frequently agree with & know could get my point, but the way they respond to me makes me see they think I'm making a different argument, and it's a common one that I've seen before, so I get why they think that

I start out in good faith trying to explain that I'm making a different argument, and I know the argument they think I'm making and I understand their point about that, but I making a different one. I assume they will immediately get it, so I'm not making a big case for myself

I assume they'll get it bc all of these arguments are very common on Twitter so I figure terminally online people have seen it and will know which one I'm talking about, furthermore they know my opinions on other things so they will see I meant the one in line with my beliefs

And this is where it gets confusing, because it's immediately clear that they don't believe me but I can't tell what they do believe I'm saying anymore and what conversation they think we are having and then there's inevitably a back-and-forth & i get more confused by the minute

Finally, they say something that helps me see what they think my part is in this conversation but it takes a while because I keep being sure they're going to understand until I see no, they are interpreting me as a totally different person, the way a neurotypical would

no wonder they weren't getting it, because what I was saying didn’t make sense in the context of the argument they think I'm making & beliefs they think I have. I've spent way too much time on Twitter so I know exactly what they think I'm doing & why bc i’ve seen it many times

I try to explain that I get what they think I'm saying because i’ve seen people say it, I just didn't realize that's what they thought I was saying. But now I do, so I explain myself again and what I actually was saying. I keep thinking that will work

They respond trying to convince me of a politically radical argument I already know & agree with and usually have advocated for myself many times, and refuting an argument that I also do not agree with. i try to be as clear as i can and i’m so confused why they don’t believe me

So what I finally realized is me being clear and open is the problem! most people are not just laying all their cards on the table, so they assume that can't be what I'm doing and they assign additional motives to me. By trying to clarify, I made it more confusing

The people who make the argument they think I'm making do usually frantically defend themselves so every time I tried to explain what I was actually saying, that fed into their misinterpretation and validated it for them bc there’s another thing i forget that people assume -

Most people assume you're getting your feelings hurt and that you take things personally and would be defending your feelings, because most people do that. I don't tend to take things personally or get my feelings hurt easily so I don't account for this assumption

But in another perfect irony, people always say they don't get their feelings hurt easily! Everyone says that when it's not true at all so when I express that I am not upset, they assume I am - very reasonably, because most people would be & would be hiding it

It's not impossible to hurt my feelings, it's not even hard if it's one of the things I am particularly sensitive about. I don't say that to look tough, I don't think feelings are week or embarrassing. i’ll say if my feelings are hurt & don't feel too much of a need to avoid it

Every time I try to assure them that my feelings are not hurt bc I am trying to show them that we're on the same side of this argument, it probably comes off like my feelings are really really hurt and that's why I'm denying it so much. there’s no way to get on the same page

if you believe I'm making this other argument, everything I say can be interpreted through that lens to validate that interpretation. And I can't even be mad because I can see that’s the more probable interpretation for most people. but i’m pretty radical & online too much

There's no way I could be making that basic-ass ignorant argument & have the other opinions I have. It doesn't make sense. They're also way underestimating how much of the past 10 years I've wasted on Twitter. I know both sides of all the common Twitter arguments, how could i not

A lot of my political beliefs were formed by reading these arguments play out over the years, all the perspectives, all the rebuttals, and some arguments were consistently good and changed my mind on stuff. So of course I know this whole argument, just bc i have no life

One reason why it's hard to hurt my feelings is because I've had all the arguments on Twitter already so I've already processed it and know how I feel about it. If it hurt my feelings, it hurt my feelings then and I got over it already. If I disagree, it doesn't hurt my feelings

I basically know my position on every topic that I tend to be interested in and I know how people react to that position so I accept the consequences before they happen so I don't have to get my feelings hurt. If the consequences aren't worth it, I won't post about that topic.

Every now and then I post about something I know I potentially couldn't handle the consequences of and I always call it out and ask people to be nice. the examples I can think of were when I talked about my existential beliefs and the rare times I talk about being vegan

I don't really count on people being nice & I am prepared for it to go poorly but it was important enough it was worth the risk. That's been the case the few times I've talked about being vegan. I don't talk about it much bc people being cruel about it hurts my feelings too much

So although most things I can just process once, not everything. I'm not a robot. I'm always happy to explain these things & call them out. I'll call out what's the rebuttal to my argument and concede where they might be right. These are just facts, they're not personal to me

When I know the common sticking points with my argument I include them so I can address them as they come up and the reader can continue without being hung up on that sticking point. But I see now, that is weird! nobody does that! so they interpret it as part of my argument

I guess they assume, why would I say it if I didn't mean it? Who refutes their own argument? Or maybe they think I made that point on accident. Either way, they're assuming I am engaging in a type of argument that is probably a lot smarter than what I am actually doing

I am just trying to objectively explain it because I didn't realize until this moment that I was supposed to be making a case for my argument. I am only realizing in that moment that they don't want to understand, that's not the kind of conversation I'm in. I wish I'd known that

If I had known this was a proving your side right kind of argument, I just wouldn't have gotten in it. I don't find those very useful and I'm not emotionally attached to people agreeing with me or not, I just explain things when I’m under the impression they’re asking me for that

I'm emotionally detached not because it's unimportant to me, I learned to do it because my beliefs are too important to me. I can't get invested in other people believing them. it used to crush me & I know now people change their mind over time, usually not w/ 1 stellar argument

I changed my mind on huge topics slowly over years thanks to countless people. I’ll hope I planted a seed that they’ll really consider when they're ready, but I can't get invested in that so I don't really think about it. i usually just explain myself to people who are interested

That's why I don't like to fight, it’s a waste of time. I can't force someone to think my opinions are good and idk why i’d want to. i wish people would just tell me up top what argument we're having so I'll know what's going on and if I want to do it or not

As it is, I have to try and figure out what they think my beliefs are and then what they would be trying to get out of someone with those beliefs before I can figure out what's going on. I would love for people to tell me what they want instead of trying to needle it out of me

You really don't have to needle anything out of me. You can't. I will agree or not, I'll be fine doing it or I won't do it. i usually have to try and figure out what emotion people think I'm having in order to know what they want & that takes me a while to pick up on

Usually people assume I'm having a lot more feelings than I really am. I guess it's bc most people take disagreement as a personal attack, but I don't. My feelings about myself aren’t wrapped up in anything other people can affect. I don't understand everything being personal

What is fascinating is these have been NDs, mostly autistics. With neurotypicals I'm expecting it, but with autistic people I keep getting surprised every time. What's fascinating to me is that it's truly impossible to ever actually communicate. You can't find common ground.

It seems that our blame & shame-obsessed culture has made people so terrified of blame that nobody will be honest & then that's expected so it doesn't matter how honest and transparent you're being, people can't believe you. Transparency seems untrustworthy bc who would do that?

I can't understand why our self-worth would be so wrapped up in everything. Why is it even on the table? I can handle getting my feelings hurt. I don't love it, but I know I will be OK. I can handle being wrong, even somebody thinking I'm a bad person doesn't affect my self-worth

i don't love it that there are people who interpret everything I do the most malicious way possible and have constructed a person in their head they think is me that has nothing to do with me, I guess it would be cooler if everyone liked me, but what does that really do to me?

Why is people not liking you supposed to be the worst thing in the world? It really doesn't do anything to you on its own, only if it inspires actions. How is this what’s being held over everyone's head? Why is anyone expecting everyone to like them in the first place?

It seems that tying self-worth to social approval is an incredibly effective form of control but bro you can decide where you derive your self worth and you can make it inalienable. I keep my self worth locked in the safe along with the inherent value of all living beings.

That's literally it. It's that non-negotiable. you have inherent value because you are a living being. seeing human value as conditional upon anything is how we got here.