Thread by @erikaheidewald

People keep asking me how I don't mask and honestly it never occurred to me that I should until 7th grade when I decided to figure out all the social stuff. I failed miserably, I just could not figure out what the secret rules were. it sucked and was boring. not worth it

I realized if I wanted to succeed in life I had to figure out how to be normal so I figured out all the stuff I could see but when it became clear that something essential about my personality was what was hated I just thought they were wrong, so their opinions were irrelevant

I did know there were ways you were supposed to do things but I honestly thought they were optional, they were for people who wanted to be good little Christian Republicans and I did not so I didn't bother learning them and I didn't care when people got mad at me for it

I learned really good social skills, I just didn't learn any social norms I didn't value. I can read people who want to be understood, I can talk to anyone who genuinely wants to talk to me, and I figured out how to tell the difference. I knew some of what was weird about me

I just never thought everyone was supposed to be the same so I didn't notice how many things I did that other people didn't do, and if I got in trouble for things I didn't think were bad I just thought they were wrong. I don't value everyone's opinion

The stuff I didn't pick up on at all is the stuff that everyone lies about and nobody ever tells you the truth. Nobody said everyone should be the same in every way, nobody said people almost always want something when they talk to you but they don't tell you what it is

I noticed sometimes when people were trying to talk down to me but I thought it was so transparent it just seemed weird and pathetic and I wondered why they weren't embarrassed to be showing how insecure they were, I didn't realize that hurt most people’s feelings

I mostly was just continually surprised by the things that hurt other people's feelings and I figured that out by accidentally hurting people’s feelings. I never figured out what was supposed to hurt my feelings and when I did, I didn't see why it was supposed to

I could tell that sometimes people were feeling things they didn't say but I figured they didn't want to talk about it so I wasn't going to put any pressure on them, if they wanted to talk about it later, they would. I didn't think they wanted me to GUESS

Whenever I did hear about implicit communication norms I thought they were games that immature people play and everyone said they didn't like games and though I could see some of them were lying, that meant to me that games are bad and not something I needed to learn or respect

I did get made fun of and yelled at for things and people have brought up my voice, my laugh, and everything about how I talk many times and I didn’t like it but I didn't think that meant there was anything wrong with me and i told friends they couldn't make those jokes

I'm down for a lot of teasing and I like making fun of my friends but I think everyone deserves boundaries so I make mine clear and I'm willing to be very unchill and make the vibe deeply uncomfortable if people cross them. I didn't think I should have to change how I talk

It's probably pretty obvious why all my friends & everyone I've dated have always been neurodivergent because those are the people my social skills work with. I can talk to most people while being myself. I'm not masking at the store or anything, I like being polite to strangers

So it's not that I have been totally oblivious or that I don't care about other people, I just don't need everyone to like me & I don't like hanging out with people who don't enjoy me being myself. That's no fun for me. I never learned to mask because I liked myself.

This has absolutely resulted in some very big problems. I never remotely figured out group dynamics, they are invisible to me. I cannot do well in any organization. I have tried many times and can't ever figure out what I'm doing wrong until eventually I can’t keep trying to care

I tried to learn how to mask for the sake of my career when i was 21 and it went very badly. I never fit. I can't. People always know I’m different. Four months of trying resulted in burnout that gave me years of health problems so I knew that wouldn’t work and I didn't try again

I was very vulnerable to manipulation from allistic neurodivergent people who pretended to be my friend until Frida taught me how to see it. I don't understand allistic people’s feelings at all unless they explain them to me. People misinterpret me constantly and I never got why

I didn't have any unmasking to do when I realized I’m autistic bc I am constantly trying to make myself understood and telling people about how I am and only hanging out with people who like that so I just was like hey, you know all that weird stuff I do? Turns out I’m autistic

So yeah, I have not lived a life of trying to hide my autistic traits, I’ve lived a life being very upfront about them & trying to be understood. My biggest problem is always that people don't believe me that I think and feel the way I do & I don't even understand the alternative

I've never been close to any neurotypical people so it's still weird for me to figure out just how different I am & my life experience has been from almost everyone else. I feel like an alien even among autistic people a lot of the time bc most grew up & were socialized with NTs

It's been a little overwhelming to find out that everything about me is weird and people are definitely misinterpreting me a lot more than I knew, bc I only knew when they told me. It's frustrating to find out how hard it is for me explain things so I’ll be interpreted correctly

It's weird that not masking and trying to be upfront and make yourself understood doesn't work because people don't believe you so it seems like I only really exist to a few people and everyone else is talking to some imaginary person when they’re talking to me.

I don't really have a point but I think in general most of the time you might as well give up masking because the same people are going to like you and not like you if you mask or don't mask. It's not how you talk or laugh that they do or don't like, it's that you're autistic 🤷‍♀️