Thread by @erikaheidewald

I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF PEOPLE THINKING I DON’T HATE MYSELF BECAUSE MY LIFE WAS EASY AND PEOPLE WERE NICE TO ME. I DON’T HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. I JUST DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I DON’T WANT SYSTEMIC ABLEISM TO KILL ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

If you think this, fuck you. You're walking around wounded? I did that, and then I reached the point where I had two choices. I could accept myself and try to create a life I could survive in, or I could die. I fought for this perspective on myself. I sacrificed everything else.

I have had one incredible privilege and it's that my mom loves and accepts me. My neurodivergence isn't a minor part of myself, it's everything I am. I don't have any other part of myself. And even my mom didn't understand why I couldn't make it. Why I couldn't learn to survive

My mom is neurodivergent but she does not have ADHD, she does not have chronic illness so nobody, myself included, could figure out why I couldn't find a single place to fit in. Any job I could succeed in. Anywhere to make actual friends. She got married at 21, I didn't have that

I did jobs I could do. I couldn't figure out how to make more than $7-10,000 a year for YEARS and I paid all my bills, nobody was supporting me. Some of the jobs I had greatly exacerbated my chronic illness so each job I did made me *less* able. I have fewer options all the time

I tried over and over again. This time, this community I will make actual friends, I will find an actual place in the world. I will find a way to get on a real career path and stay on it. Every time I pick myself back up. I can’t let the world break me or I WILL DIE

I haven't been able to let people not liking me affect my sense of self or I would have died as a child. I had one person who knew & liked me the way I am, my mom, for most of my life & she only understood about half of me. I don't need everyone to like me bc that's not an option

I always tried to make myself better. I will be kinder, more social, stronger, prettier, skinnier (that one became an eating disorder I managed to stop when I saw that it was going to kill me). I will just work harder. I’ll overcome this laziness I can't understand, my fatal flaw

My OCD got so bad there was not a minute of my waking existence I didn't have intrusive thoughts. I had every health problem known to man. The only friendships I could find ended up being horribly abusive. I had no future. I would end up homeless and in prison like my aunt

If you could die by wishing your heart to stop I would have. I tried. But my mom loves me and killing myself would ruin her life. I realized if I have two options, die or try to live in a way that doesn't make me miserable and maybe end up homeless and in prison like my aunt, ok!

Looks like I have nothing to lose! I am not going to choose die. I am taking that option off the table. So I am deciding that any awful thing that happens to me from living a life I can actually stand is a consequence I am willing to accept. I will just figure it out.

I know I am not the problem because I did everything I could do. Everything. I can't try harder than that. I can't change myself more than I changed. And the whole time I kept trying to be a good person, a good daughter, a good friend. I deserve to live. The system is wrong.

This whole time I'd also been educating myself on social justice and learning more about the systemic problems people in this world face and that those problems aren't natural and inevitable, they are created and they can be uncreated. Blaming individuals perpetuates the system

If I blame myself, I fail everyone else. I want to be a good person? Then I'm not allowed to feel like a piece of shit because that is worthless. I'm not helping anyone and I'm not helping myself. I decided i could live being fat, crazy, and poor. But not miserable or selfish.

My mental health and neurodivergence is the story of my life. It's the central character. The idea that I can only love myself because that's a minor part of my life is so fucking laughable I just want to kick everyone's ass who says that. It wasn't easy, I am tough.

It doesn't even fucking matter if our brains are objectively good or not. It doesn't matter if we are neurologically flawed. This is who we are and this is the life we have. Do you want to die? Because I don't. And I don't want you to kill me. You're not allowed to kill me.

The only way I have survived in this world is to find neurodivergent people who understand me and we support each other and get through life together, I structure my life around what my brain wants to do and be, & I keep moving forward. laying down and dying is not an option

My life actually got good when I met my best friend, a label does not describe what she is to me, she is the person I constructed my life with. We worked together to create a life that is worth living. Because if life isn't worth living, I can't keep doing it. I have two people.

The way I survive and have a life worth living is I just decided that my brain is good the way it is. I just decided that. That's up to me! I decided it and figured out how to feel it along the way. That doesn't mean I can't take medication, I do. It means that's good, too.

I'm sick of people telling me that me trying to end ableism and create a world that doesn't fucking suck is invalidating their feelings. Your feelings are valid and I don't give a fuck about them. I don't give a fuck about mine either when there are more important things at stake

You can have feelings at home, in therapy, with your friends, and you don't have to judge yourself for them. Blame is worse than pointless, it's counterproductive. If your feelings about how much you hate yourself stem from internalized ableism, don't spread them around.

I'm fucking sick of people acting like I must have it easy so they won’t feel bad about themselves. I don't give myself permission to eternally wade in my own bullshit. THAT is privilege. I didn't create this system and rejecting its brainwashing is how I fight it.

You don't have to pretend my life is easy so that you won't feel bad about yourself. You have to decide not to feel bad about yourself. No, it's not instant and it's not easy. So what? The options are 1) do that hard thing and live, or 2) keep doing this hard thing and suffer

I am quite sure that some things are easier for me than you. I had a core of self love I could regain and being autistic helps me control my feelings with rational thought. I wish I could give those to you. But I can’t. So what? Are you going to lay down and die?

I keep trying to educate people on neurodivergence so they will see the full picture of their brain and that they are a full human being. Your brain is actually built to do certain things, you just can't make it do what you want or what society wants. It wants to do what it does

I know that understanding what your brain is built to do and letting it do that massively improves your life because I am living it. I've been getting to see a lot more of the incredible things my brain can do rather than the incredibly painful things. I know who I am.

Knowing what your brain is built to do lets you know what societal standards you should stop asking yourself to meet and what changes you should advocate for to make this society one you can be happy in. I don't care if you see your brain as good, bad, or neutral. Just see it.

I personally think it is a lot easier to construct the best life that is available to you right now and to advocate for the changes you want to see in the world if you choose to like your brain and think it is good. If somehow you are different, fine! Hate yourself all you want

Personally, I think you should get over your own bullshit, no matter how difficult that may be and how long it takes, and start making the world better. But if you're dedicated to self-pity & reinforcing ableism, you're certainly not going to get your feelings validated by me

You've had people telling you to stop feeling your feelings and make your self fit in this society. Stop fucking acting like that's what I am saying. I'm telling you feel whatever you want and make this society fit you. It's literally the fucking opposite. I'm not your mom

The reason I'm not very nice about the criticisms people push my way is that they’re irrelevant and a waste of time. I don't care about them. How I described this one thing about this neurotype doesn't fit your experience? I don’t care. Telling you who you are is never my point

You are valid because you exist. You already exist, the debate is settled. Society is created by people for people, you are people, society should be created by and for you, too. All these debates about good and bad and blame and shame are a waste of time. They’re a trap.

Your feelings are valid, you deserve to exist, I believe you about your life experiences, & I like you as a person. Please just take those and internalize them right now. Yes I'm being flippant but I do mean it, I'll never be debating those. Let's get that out of the way forever

I am in a hurry. I don't know how many avenues I have to survive in this society. I've already burned up most of the ones I can do. I'm surviving on onlyfans and Patreon, how long can I do that? I don't know! What would be after that? I don't know! I'm Wile E Coyote off the cliff

I just don't have time to waste validating your pointless feelings and debating your criticisms that don't matter. I hate trying to figure out how to respond and not sound like an asshole. Don't let random tweets of mine affect your self worth. Don't give me that power

I will always figure out a way to survive, not hate myself, and not be miserable because that's what I decided on. If you're deciding to roll around in your internalized ableism and share it with a whole new generation of impressionable kids, I'm going to fight you! Fuck you!

you think your insecurity and your feelings give you the right to make the world a worse place for other people? That's always why the world becomes a worse place! It's always insecure people acting out their feelings. That is the last thing in the world I will respect

“boo-hoo, you have to respect our perspective!” No I don't! I respect your starting point and your struggles and your basic humanity but if your perspective is not about changing these oppressive systems, I don't respect it. You should change it. That actually is in your power

So I'm going to keep liking myself and advocating for neurodiversity and the people who want to hear that can hear that. If you don't like that, I am literally never going to care about your criticisms and talking to me will just hurt your feelings, which I'd prefer not to do

None of this is easy. None of this is instant. I don't ever need to hear that from you, it’s irrelevant. It simply has to be done anyway. We have one life here, that’s it. This is such a waste of it. This is a horrific way for all of us to live. But I can love myself, so I do.