Lazy Saturday. Cup of tea. You know what that means, Twitter. #Storytime.
New folk, if you're new to this: #Storytime; in which I write a story, freestyle, on Twitter. Some pay attention; others unfollow. And it always starts with these words:
There once was a man who longed to be King. He had no qualifications, except in that he was a man of privilege, wealth and connections, and he was only one among many with their eyes on the throne, and not the most deserving. #Storytime
He was lazy and quick to anger; a liar; cowardly, faithless and easily led. And yet of all things, he longed to be King, and to rule over the people. #Storytime
For a time, he indulged his fantasy by pursuing women. But every time he tried to make himself king over a woman he desired, he found his desire ruled him instead, and it simply cost him money.
#Storytime
Then, he tried to make himself king over the world of literature. But lazy and talentless as he was, he failed to make an impact. #Storytime
Next, he tried to make himself king in the world of entertainment. But although he proved entertaining enough to some folk in his small way, the adulation he craved was neither great nor universal enough to satisfy his ambition. #Storytime
One day on a walk in the family grounds, he came across a lake of ducks. The man fed them bread, which was bad for them, but the ducks did not know this, and clamoured for more. #Storytime
“I shall be King of the Ducks!” said the man. And he went home in triumph, and told his father that he wanted a palatial summerhouse erected by the side of the lake. #Storytime
His father, who was tired of having his son live at home, agreed, and soon the King of the Ducks was living in his palatial summerhouse, from which he surveyed his avian subjects with tremendous satisfaction. #Storytime
But there was something missing. Reluctant as he was to pay for his new, royal lifestyle, he needed supporters to finance him. #Storytime
“I must have more bread for my people,” he said. And so he befriended a baker’s wife, who, on the understanding that she would be his Queen, agreed to supply him with all the stale bread he needed to keep his subjects happy. #Storytime
But something was still missing. He craved the approval of his peers; and so he sent word to all his friends and family that he was now King. #Storytime
Some of his more discerning friends were sceptical. In spite of all his boasting, nothing that he had done so far seemed to amount to much more than talk. This irked the man, and he promised himself that he would prove the doubters wrong. #Storytime
One of his friends was a fisherman. “Now the ducks have bread to eat, there will be fish plenty,” said the man. “Feel free to help yourself, and I’m sure we can find an agreement.”The fisherman agreed, and as a gesture of support, provided him with the use of his boat. #Storytime
The King then promptly hired out the boat to a man selling rides on the lake, and soon all kinds of gentlefolk were coming to enjoy the lake, and to admire the summerhouse, and the King was very pleased. #Storytime
One of his friends was a butcher. “A brace of ducks from your lake,” he said, “would surely pay for my support.” And so the King arranged to provide a weekly supply of duck, in exchange for duck down, which the King promptly sold to a man who made soft furnishings. #Storytime
Soon this maker of cushions and couches became popular among the gentlefolk, and provided the man and his new Queen with generous samples of his work. #Storytime
But things were not well with the ducks on the lake. Disease had broken out, caused by their harmful change of diet. The duck population, decimated by butchery and disease, their nests disturbed by the visitors, began to show signs of dying out. #Storytime
Worse still, the fish, who had also fed on the bread that the King’s new Queen tipped daily into the lake, were also starting to disappear. #Storytime
The fisherman who had supported the King threatened to take his business elsewhere. So did the butcher, seeing the ducks increasingly unhealthy and underfed, as well as the maker of cushions, who relied on the butcher for his supply of duck down. #Storytime
This very much displeased the Queen, who had an addiction to fine furnishings. #Storytime
The King became very angry. “I am King!” he bawled at the ducks, throwing stale bread furiously into the water. “I am King, and you serve ME!”#Storytime
The ducks, knowing no better, continued to devour the bread. #Storytime
The Queen came out to investigate, and found herself mobbed by quacking ducks. “What’s the point in being Queen at all,” she said, “if I can’t live in luxury?” And she went back to the baker, taking her supply of free bread with her. #Storytime
The King, aggrieved, was forced to befriend the wife of a local innkeeper who, lured by the promise of a royal intrigue, was only too happy to comply. #Storytime
The ducks died out, but the innkeeper’s wife brought with her a plentiful supply of beer, which somewhat softened the blow for the King - at least until he sobered up. #Storytime
The end.
If you enjoy these occasional threads, and feel like buying me a nice cup of tea, here's the place to do it... ko-fi.com/story

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More from @Joannechocolat

29 Apr
Today's #TenTweets, by request, are about CREATING DISTINCTIVE IMAGERY. Follow the hashtag to collect them all! #TenThingsAboutStrikingImagery
1. Imagery can be a powerful weapon in your arsenal as a writer. But to maximize its effect, you first need to think WHY you need it, and what its role is in the scene you're writing. #TenThingsAboutStrikingImagery
2. Description usually exists to draw attention to something - a scene, a theme, a sensation. Decide what it is in each instance, and target your imagery appropriately. #TenThingsAboutStrikingImagery
Read 12 tweets
9 Apr
Okay, let's do this. Ten things NOT to do if you want to be a good writer. Follow the hashtag to collect them all! #TenThingsForAWriterToAvoid
This one's a bit of a challenge, I'll admit. There are so many ways to be a writer, and if yours works for you, it's the right way. But these are a few things I've learnt to avoid. You should probably avoid them, too. #TenThingsForAWriterToAvoid
1. Avoid hard-and-fast writing "rules" that discourage you from thinking for yourself. Some have a grain of truth in them, but mindless acceptance of what others say is usually not conducive to finding your individual voice. #TenThingsForAWriterToAvoid
Read 13 tweets
26 Mar
New authors: If a stranger e-mails you out of the blue, asking you to read, critique or comment on their unpublished book, there's no reason you should indulge them. In fact, there are plenty of reasons you probably shouldn't.
Short thread follows.
Authors - whatever their profile - get these requests all the time. New authors often feel guilty at saying no. However, your time is valuable. A proper critique would be worth something like £500 from a professional manuscript evaluator, and would cost you a week of your time.
And if you do accept to critique a manuscript as a favour, word will get round. Once people hear about it, you'll suddenly receive a hell of a lot of requests. The ones you reject (and you'll have to reject some) will feel you've been unfair to them.
Read 8 tweets
25 Mar
Imagine a family of four, driving to the seaside. The parents are in front, one driving, one navigating. The two young kids in the back are impatient. "Are we there yet? Are we?" they shout, kicking at the driver's seat. Every time they do this, the driver has to slow down.
The children pay no attention. "Are we there yet?" they scream, kicking repeatedly at the seat in front. Finally, the driver stops, gets out, and tries to explain to them that the more often they do this, the less likely they are to get to the seaside before nightfall.
"Is that what you want?" says the driver.
The children scream and cry, saying: "We want the seaside! Now! Now!"
The driver gets back into the car and sets off. Five minutes later, the kids start kicking the seats again. "Are we there yet? Are we?"
Read 4 tweets
25 Mar
Anna Brownell Jameson (17 May 1794 – 17 March 1860) was an Irish writer, the daughter of a miniaturist and engraver. #CelebratingWomen
At sixteen, she became governess to a noble family. In 1821 she was engaged to a lawyer, but the engagement was broken off.
After accompanying a young pupil to Italy, she wrote a fictionalised memoir, which she gave to a bookseller in exchange for a guitar. It was ultimately published as The Diary of an Ennuyée (1826), and attracted great attention. Parallels with Jane Eyre are remarkable.
Read 5 tweets
21 Mar
The Akkadian/Sumerian poet Enheduanna (2285-2250 BC) is the world’s first named author. #CelebratingWomen
That right. The world's first author was a woman, writing over 4000 years ago. And she was - and still remains - very, very influential.
She is credited with creating the paradigms of poetry, psalms, and prayers used throughout the ancient world. Through the Babylonians, her works influenced and inspired the prayers and psalms of the Hebrew Bible and the Homeric hymns of Greece.
Read 8 tweets

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