Thread by @daniellamyoung

Hello Twitter Fam, welcome to today's Coffee & Culture (but with black tea).

Today, we will talk about how to comment on someone's photos online--without being a creep. No, it's not impossible, but yes, it might require you to stop & change patterns of behavior.

#dontbeacreep

The first thing we should establish is that this is mostly a male problem. Sorry, but not really, it's true. In fact, a great way to learn how to act with women online is to watch the way other women interact. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's rare.

A second thing is that our bodies are not here to please men--not ever & not at all. A woman's size, her choice of clothes, her choice to smile or not, shouldn't have anything to do with anyone else. We're not here to please men, though many of us have been taught that.

So, here's a 'harmless' scenario that keeps happening, & I think we need to have more societal conversations about it.
Woman posts a photo online--photo is of her smiling over something, maybe with family or friends, clearly not a thirst trap.
Comments come rolling in.

Most are pleasant, "nice to see people out again." "looking good, where you at these days?" "congrats on...X"
Then there will be one that will be so out of place, it will almost feel like a slap.
"You're so beautiful." "OMG, I wish I could...." "Damn girl, you're making me..."

Yes, I'll lose some folks here for including a compliment like "you're so beautiful" on here, which is fine, but let's unpack that a little for those who want to stick around.

Sometimes we're trying to be funny or show a damn piece of fruit in a photo. But we make everything about beauty for women, & it's exhausting.

When @HubsYoung posts a pic of himself with an airplane, I see no women creeping on his timeline, talking about his 'beautiful eyes'.

But anytime I post a photo of myself--for literally any reason that I want--I'm supposed to accept that my looks, my body, the way I present myself in the world is up for debate, for comment, for the approval of others? No. Just stop. It's enough already.

For some men, it's hard for them to understand that the world is not equal for everyone--because it seems so equal to them. So, if someone walking close behind at night doesn't scare them, why should it scare others.
(Spoiler alert: women think you're a rapist when you do this)

By extension, if being told they are attractive makes men them feel good, why should it make a women scared?
The amount of times I tried to tell colleagues on deployment that I hated the chow hall, because of all the staring, & they basically said "boo hoo, such a hard problem."

Of course, the world is not equal, & never has been. And the way many men act has *never* been okay, but only now are other voices are now being heard, speaking out saying, "no. stop". This is making folks uncomfortable because things they've always done are suddenly no longer ok

This is normal societal progress of course--when society shifts & group norms change, often past actions don't fit any longer with our current morality. Let's call this 'upward morality'. When you learn that 'bitch' is not a word men can use now, you can whine, or you can change.

Humans hate cognitive dissonance, so our first reaction, when we find out something we used to do all the time is no longer acceptable behavior, we try to fight it. Everyone is the protagonist of their story, & wants to believe that they aren't the bad guy, but often we are.

I was guilty of saying, "that's so gay," like many others of my generation. I can try to excuse it by saying, "that's what everyone was doing", but there's really no excuse. It was a slur, it was awful, and I certainly don't do it anymore.

When we know better, we can do better.

Nobody can force you to upgrade your morality, but we are now in a world where others will talk about you, & will put your bad behavior on blast. So, if you are 'trying to be a good guy', these are the things to pay close attention to. What's always been done is changing.

Back to the beautiful comment, it can be disturbing, even though it's such a little thing, & it's good for men to know that. It doesn't even mean don't ever use it, but understand that you might be making the woman you are 'trying to complement' uncomfortable. Just pause, think.

It's uncomfortable because we never agreed to live in a world where our bodies, our physicality, our presence, is up for debate, comment, compliment, objectification. And we certainly never asked to hear everything that our presence makes men think. And, it rarely stops at one.

Women are trained to please, men are socialized to believe that their approval is wanted--we are now saying that it's not. That's all, we're not threatening to destroy you, or making you live in a world where you're not safe, we're just saying we don't need your approval, thanks.

And what about the thirst traps? What about when what a woman is wearing, or the way she has presented herself, virtually or in person, is begging for compliments?

This is important, *you can still make her feel uncomfortable*.

The onus is still on *you* to police yourself.

It can be helpful to start off with an understanding of what women deal with every day of our lives: we know we are of equal dignity & intelligence as men (to quote RBG), but nearly half the world's population can kill us with their bare hands.

That's always been a woman problem

But, of course, it's not a woman problem, it's a man problem. And, even the good men, the ones with the best intentions in mind, can benefit from realizing this, what it truly means.

Maybe "not all men", but 'yes all women" have to live their lives 'watching out' for the baddies

(You should probably know that when you send a woman unsolicited photos, no matter how innocent, she wonders if it's gonna be a dick pic), because men.

We live in a world where we always have to wonder "friend or foe" every new interaction with someone male. That's on y'all.

So maybe, I think, it would be an interesting challenge for men, the good ones anyway, to just shift their mindset, & quit commenting on the appearance of women you encounter--basically ever. If a women wants to be told she looks hot, trust me, she has people in her life to do so

And, of course, I'm nobodies arbiter of culture, so you can carry on doing exactly whatever you want. And nobody will stop you. Well, until you do something inappropriate that 'used to be fine' except that it wasn't. ever. fine. & we're just now calling you out for it.

Thanks for hanging out. All comments, complaints & emotional outbursts welcome. Comment on the photo at your own peril. 👿 @threadreaderapp please unroll.