Thread by @visakanv

549am thinking about my relationship with myself. I would say it’s mostly great, tremendous improvement on every dimension over the past ~15 years, and yet still there is so much more I want to understand about myself, so much about me I do not really know

this is probably the realest reason I have been “almost done” with my book for so long. I have very high standards– unfairly high, I think– and a part of me feels like I must have some personal breakthrough with the book while writing it or it’s not quite “authentic enough”

it’s strange that my life is like this. I could hit publish right now and make a bunch of money and move on with my life, but there’s a HAL-9000 in my head that goes “no Visa, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” And I… have not attempted to negotiate with this guy. Why not? 🤔

The straightforward read is fear, and the simplest exp is fear of social repercussions – what if my book goes out and it’s not a success? But I think I’ve accounted for that + made my peace with it. mentally I assume it’s gonna be 2/5 stars “he took so long and it still sucks”

That I can be ok with. I have embarrassed myself publicly lots of times. What I seem to not be ok with is… what? I’m kind of drawing a blank here. How is this different? I don’t seem to know 🤔

I want to say I’m not annoyed but that would be a lie. I’m pretty annoyed. This is taking longer than I’d like & my sleep has been suffering for it. which is not a good place to be bc then it spirals– worse cognitive function, less executive capacity to troubleshoot the work,

it is so sweet of all of you to drop by and offer your thoughts btw. I love you all. I definitely wouldn’t be able to get thru this without your kindness and it is ultimately for my friends that I will climb out of this pit and finish this mf off

Ok so the obvious thing that needs to happen in a spiral is a break, and so the question I need to explore is: why won’t I let myself properly relax, when relaxing is obviously critical to recovery and resolving the spiral? Some old anxieties here

that is the big question I think, my own personal boss fight while writing a book about helping people face their own inner boss fights. Why Won’t Visa Let Visa Relax. Hmmmmmm

I mean I did take time off to play all of Mass Effect 1-2-3 lol. The funny thing about this is there’s no visible meter on the screen to tell me how rested I am, I only have my feelings and feelings can be kind of unreliable

I’m writing this thread in part because I’m hoping it’ll let me sleep. When my mind grips onto something like this it really has an animalistic intensity to it that scares me sometimes. Breathwork does help substantially but not quite enough. I need to “unclog the drain”

very rude that I can’t finish this book without addressing my dysfunctional relationship with rest and sleep lmaooooo fuck I hate it here 😂😂😂😂 but something just shifted in me writing this, fucking hell, this is it. Grrrrrrrr it was this all along oh no 😩😂😩😂😩😂😩…😂

no fucking way there’s always a tweet

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/976053401606762496

right down to the dragon metaphor. I don’t believe it

so this is the thing I have to solve in order for HAL-9000 to say “ok visa it’s time to publish now”. No biggie, just a problem I’ve had for 20 years. 😂 sure. let’s do it. [rubs hands] let’s fckin go

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/882692406738644992

here’s the thing tho- in 2017 I was facepalming because I couldn’t solve a simple problem

In 2020 i realized persistent simple problems have hidden dysfunctions underneath them

this is like THE central point of the book

the book is legit to the degree that I embody the solve

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1279204879794233344

It all makes sense now