Thread by @stevecusswords

A ministry survival technique I wish I learned earlier:

Discerning between a person giving helpful feedback, a garden variety critic and a usual suspect critic.

At first, they can all look and feel the same, but they all operate differently and require different posture.

1/

They can all 'feel' the same at first. Most criticism and feedback stings, and I think ministry folks may be more prone to the sting because ministry is so personal to us. Our work and identity can be fused in unhealthy, but understandable ways. But over time...

2/

...We can discern and adjust to help our well being.

Helpful feedback: someone who genuinely sees a blindspot of yours, a pattern in your approach and leadership. They are for you, they are for the org, they are in it with you. Skin in the game.

3/

It still stings because blind spot knowledge aways feels exposing, but learning to learn from them is crucial. I have matured and grown thanks to caring leaders who show me my own worst side, gently, but clearly. They are also available to help break those patterns.

4/

Garden Variety Critic: has an opinion, is not particularly informed, sometimes comes with misinformation or partial. Has made assumptions, might be coming at you hot.

But....

5/

They'll talk to you, they will listen. The outcome is:

'Well I disagree, but thanks for listening.' or
'Oh, ok, I didn't know all that. Thanks that was helpful.'

There is true interaction, moving toward each other. You may not come to agreement, but respect is present.

6/

Most churches have good number of 'garden variety critics.' And hopefully some of them will come to you directly. Most just talk to each other. The constant 'hey why did you do it this way' can be wearing, but these are decent people.

7/

The 'usual suspect' has a pile of issues, never lands when you take an issue at a time, shifts a target, is playing a game of 'you lose.' No matter what you say, how often you meet, how reasonable you are there is no resolution.

These are the people you have to guard from

8/

If you're not careful, you'll just keep feeding the wildlife even though the sign says not to. You will give them more time, more meetings, more insight.

But they don't actually want resolution or perspective. They want you to lose.

9/

You can discern them by:

- noticing when they keep shifting a target
- when actual data doesn't shift them
- when they minimize their contribution to the problem
- when they wield your vulnerability and words against you.
- when they twist what you say.

10/

BEWARE. Once you figure out your usual suspects, for your own health, and for theirs, frankly:

- never meet alone. They will behave better in front of a witness. and the witness can give account for your words.

11/

- Stop giving them your insight. By trying to reason with them, you are feeding the wildlife.

- Instead gently show them the process or the dynamic or the pattern.

- Allow the witness to speak.

12/

Look. Some people like to fight. They like to be right in spite of facts. And by meeting, giving your side, you are just perpetuating the cycle.

And most of us only have a handful of usual suspects, but we give them massive amounts of our brain space and energy.

13/

Jesus is a fascinating example here. He had usual suspects and 'more insight' was not his move. Differentiation was his move.

He spent most of his time and brain space on mission.

Anyway, discerning who is who can save your life in ministry.

14/14