I’d rather take a shovel to the back of the head than get two children on time to school in the morning for the rest of my life
Story time, growing up my sister and I would ride to school together, and she was a terror in the mornings, late, screaming about her socks, lashing out like a baboon at anything around her, severe adolescent rage stuff
So this went on for at least the entirety of a fall semester of high school, and then into the spring, easily six or seven months of pure reign of terror stuff
And one morning, I don’t know, she must’ve been particularly awful, and we were easily 20 minutes late and fuming because she couldn’t find her scrunchie
So after school, I had some kind of sad nerd club, and when I came out despite telling her this in the morning, she started screaming that I was…late
So I waited until we were all in the car, started driving, and then when we were going about 30 miles an hour down the road, I threw everything she owned in that car out the window
I mean the car looked like a bomber trying to drop weight before an emergency landing, I threw her bag, I threw her purse, I threw her books, I would have thrown a full laptop and a Rembrandt out of that window if she had had one
It was this, in a car
And I got into trouble, and when I got brought up before the judge and jury of my mom and dad, they asked me if I was sorry, and I said no, and I will go to hell before I apologize for that, because it felt great
And I could tell that both of them were trying not to laugh, because they had wanted to do the exact same thing for the past 16 years her, but couldn’t
Anyway, she is a wonderful mother with four kids now, and I hope all of them start the day like mad dogs let loose in a henhouse

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