Thread by @thearmchaircom

Yesterday I celebrated sixteen years of marriage. I want to attempt to offer sixteen pieces of unsolicited relationship advice that’s worked for us…

1. Avoid people for whom marriage or being in a relationship is a personality trait, because they are frequently toxic.

I know this will make some folk mad, but I mean it. If they don’t have a personality besides talking about marriage, they are unhealthy.

2. Use your words. The other person doesn’t know how you feel unless you tell them. They shouldn’t have to guess or divine. If you can’t use words establish a clear line of communication.

3. Engage in healthy conflict. Be clear about what you disagree on. Engage in disagreements in a healthy way. Active listening is an important or necessary skill.

4. Be real. Don’t be out here so afraid of hurting somebody feelings that you can’t tell them the truth. Don’t be so invested in maintaining a false self that you don’t know who you really are.

5. It’s okay to have interests, hobbies, and responsibilities outside of your person. You don’t have to be together or doing the same stuff 25/8.

6. Find at least one thing you can do together. You don’t have to be with them all the time, but you can enjoy some things together.

7. Laugh. Ugly laugh. Laugh a lot.

8. Don’t let others define your relationship for you. You are who you are. You don’t have to fit into social role expectations.

9. Do what you’re good at. If one of you is good at cleaning and the other at sorting laundry, use that to your advantage instead of expecting one or the other person to do and be everything.

10. Don’t let other people project their shortcomings onto your relationship. Know who you are and who you are as a couple.

11. Have clear expectations and boundaries with your families of origin. You can’t possibly be in everybody’s life the way you were before marriage. You might have to disappoint people from time to time. That’s okay.

12. Don’t lose yourself. Marriage is not a personality trait. Being a parent is not a personality trait.

13. Don’t try to live above your means. Capitalism will convince you that you need a certain standard of living. You will be happier if you live below your means.

14. Being poor and married is stressful. Try to find and prioritize happiness where you can. Enjoy the sweetness of small things together. Try hard (and it’s really hard) to not let money talk and concern dominate your time together.

15. Talk about your dreams, fears, joys, and concerns.

16. Set goals together. I’m not talking about the ambiguous concept of “building” as a couple. I’m talking about setting goals for things that are’s important to you and going after those things together.

Decide who y’all want to be and try to be it.