Thread by @garius

There's a cat snoozing somewhere in this house but I've given up trying to find him.

He'll no doubt make his presence known to me at about 3am.

NARRATOR: The head boops came at 2:30am

CAT: head boop!
ME: I was sleeping
CAT: hence the head boop
ME: Fine. I'll let you out.
CAT: Scritch me first
ME: No.
CAT: Wait... this duvet is warm
ME: You're going out
CAT: ignore head boop. Gonna snooze here for a bit first.
ME: *picks up cat*
CAT: HALP! I'M BEING OPPRESSED!

CAT: HALP! CALL THE POLICE!
ME: Two minutes ago you were demanding this.
CAT: That was before. This is after.
Put me down. I will submit peacefully.
ME: Fine. Come on.
CAT: oh no my legs have stopped working.
ME: Seriously?
CAT: Yes. I am but water now
ME:
CAT: Scritches may fix

ME: Happy now?
CAT: Those were adequate scritches at best.
ME: It's 2:30am
CAT: The lady person scritches me more thoroughly
ME: Yes, well, my wife is away so that's all you're getting.
CAT: Could you ring her and get her to come back quicker?
ME: OUT!
CAT: Just a suggestion.

ME: Okay. Let's... Why are you stopping at the top of the stairs?
CAT: Can't move
ME: But I scritched you!
CAT: barely. Anyway. I think there's a pipe under here.
ME: What?
CAT: Tuxedo cats can't cross a warm pipe. It's mythology.
ME: One: it isn't. Two: there's no pipe there.

CAT: Feels like there's a warm pipe here. Are you sure not?
ME: Yes.
CAT: Can I see a heating diagram?
ME: Cat pls. It's 2:30am
CAT: The lady is never this difficult.
ME: I'M NOT THE DIFFICULT ONE
CAT: Gonna stretch. Dare you to rub my belly
ME:
CAT: it's not a trap
ME: suuure

CAT: I'm sure there used to be a pipe here.
ME: That's next door. You know. Your ACTUAL HOUSE. That you should be snoozing in. Not hiding in mine.
CAT: They had gone to bed and left me outside.
ME: You utter liar. They got you a cat flap.
CAT:
ME:
CAT: How'd you know about that?

ME: Because neighbours talk to each other.
CAT: And you believe them?
ME: absolutely.
CAT: More than you believe me?
ME: Definitely.
CAT: Not sure how I feel about that. I need to lie here and think about it.
ME: No. Out. It's 2:30am
CAT: More scritches may help me think faster

CAT: I can't believe you don't trust me.
ME: It's more that you're fickle.
CAT: okay now THAT'S just hurtful.
ME: Literally five minutes ago you were begging to go out. Now you're... are you listening to me?
CAT: Hmm? Oh. Sorry. Was fighting a loose carpet thread.
ME: OUT. NOW.

CAT: Fine. I will leave. But only as a favour to you.
ME: I just want to go back to sleep.
CAT: Remember this: You owe me now.
ME: I absolutely do not. Come on
CAT: I'm coming. I'm coming.
ME: Right. *opens patio door.* Out
CAT:
ME:
CAT: I'm half out now. Does that count?
ME: No

ME: You need to go all the way out, or I can't close the door.
CAT: That seems like a 'you' problem.
ME: I've honestly no idea why we let you get away with this
CAT: Because I brought you a Yorkie bar once.
ME: You did, that's true
CAT: Which I bought with my own money
ME: Suuure

CAT: I just think that you don't understand the importance of the half in/half out position.
ME: The importance is I need to go back to bed
CAT: It allows me to be on guard, while keeping my arse warm.
ME: I don't care. Go out or come back in.

CAT: More critically it's a philosophical statement. I had this friend once, you know? Spent his life in a box. Or not in a box. I forget. A box was involved. Anyway. There's spirit and peacefulness to the early hours tha- HOLY SHIT EARLY BIRB!!

*sprints out*

ME: Thank God.

#notMyCat at 2:30am this morning, doing his best to thwart Google Night Sight camera.

Well at least he's not hiding tonight I suppose.

And it's not like I wanted to move my legs anyway.