im back babey!!!! 30 minutes in a knee brace!!!! i wont stop til i hit 3 miles
having to stop running for 5 days because of my knees set off big waves of body loathing i thought i had generally moved beyond, but surprise! internalized fatphobia is a stubborn bitch especially when literally hundreds of ppl including family also join in!
however, my mantra is: i am learning to experience my body as a tool, not an aesthetic object. every step and stride and goof and stumble and pant is a move towards that. i may be an ungainly pudding person, but i will be a strong one soon. running 3 miles will mean a lot to me.
as a brain worker, and a bookish chubby kid who became a bookish fat adult, i never learned to use my body much (although i loved to swim always - i could be weightless). panic disorder made it worse: my only relationship to my body was the way it felt convulsive fear.
sex felt disconnected from my body too most of the time. my body was a vehicle for shame and fear. then in april i did some big hikes with my family and used sheer rage and stress to climb mountains. and decided i wanted to get strong. fuck weight loss. fuck pretty.
so for the past 96 days i've been trying to get strong. not beautiful cuz that's not me. strong and inside my skin, not wanting to shuck it and just be a floating brain or being afraid in it or ignoring it. it's been hard. embarrassing. but overall a very belated love story.
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about to try running for 30 minutes straight... wish me luck.... #couchto5k
I DID IT I FUCKING DID IT I DID IT IM NOW A SWEAT HUMAN HYBRID IT TOOK SINCE APRIL 3 BUT I RAN FOR 30 MINUTES STRAIGHT
you officially "graduate" the app at 35min. and then there's a 10k sequel! but once i hit 35min i will stop posting here. this feels like a milestone to me :)
one of the major reasons i've been able to start a running routine and enjoy running is because i've consciously said to myself over & over that this is not about weight loss, it's about getting strong, and forging a relationship to my body outside angst & panic attacks. 1/
there's so much messaging from everywhere - family, friends, omnipresent culture - that the only reason to exercise is aesthetic. that alienates people from their own bodies so much! i stayed away from anything fitnessy for so long bc of those messages. 2/
but just getting stronger and living in your body and inhabiting it fully - your pulsing limbs, your racing heart, your growing strength - is lovely in and of itself. don't let anyone tell you the only reason to move is to get smaller. fuck that. get strong enough to punch bears.
literally never give strangers unsolicited weight loss advice. never. never do this
this also applies to relatives, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and anyone in the world. don't ever give out unsolicited weight loss advice. it has never helped a soul, and it's cruel and harassing behavior.
so many people are objecting as if it's their god-given right to be cruel to family and as if you are the Only One who Has the Secret Knowledge that a fat person is fat. they know. i promise
this was honestly a really hard run but my knee held up and i didnt stop for 20 minutes straight again!!
running with med-withdrawal brain zaps/parasthesia is... an experience! like running through a series of invisible barbed wire fences while covered in spiders
just a lovely soupçon of extra sensation to the joys of being a beginner runner in 81% humidity
its 2:44am and im sad again. and i cant write. this is a struggle posts account until further notice
being sad for weeks at a time without interruption is a real bummer
not even the cool russian toska kind of sad just a grimy self-enveloped pustulent disappointed kind of sad. like a piece of asphalt that smells like piss, not a desolate garden in shambles or etc