A guy was driving down the road in his new Lamborghini & stopped at a light next to an old man on a moped.
The old man looked over and said "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks fast."
The guy said, "It sure is."
The old man looked at the interior and said, "Looks luxurious inside, too,” and then lean back on the moped.
Just then the light changed, the guy said "Later, old timer" and decided to show him how fast the car really is. He floored it and started doing 110 on the highway leaving town.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
An Irishman loved his golf but he was a terrible golfer. He often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods.
On one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom he had accidentally hit with his errant shot.
Gently shaking him awake, the man asked”Are you ok?"
"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes,” said the leprechaun.
“It’s OK, I am already blessed enough as it is. But if you could kindly point me to my ball I will be on my way."
A well-off woman was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out: a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two homeless men showed up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for them, the woman told them she would give them a fantastic meal and $20 if they’d chop some wood for her out back. They agreed. She took the men to the shed, gave them each an ax showed them the wood pile and went back to wait for her guests.
The guests arrived and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After 45 minutes the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic and would probably not make the party at all.
A male Covid-19 patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse came to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggled to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers.
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation and handed his ticket to the medicine man, wondering what he was in for.
The medicine man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."