Thread by @michaelharriot

It finally happened. One of my worst fears came true today but with faith and courage, I managed to overcome this nightmare scenario.

Thread.

I was working from home, minding my business when my dog came to let me know he needed to go outside. I’m letting him out in the backyard when I get a message on slack that I’m supposed to be in a meeting, so I leave the back door cracked so he can come back in

Halfway through the meeting, I hear tapping. I figure it’s Omar. He’s 165 lbs & can open the door with his face, but he’s so dumb (or polite) that EVEN WHEN THE DOOR IS OPEN, he won’t come in unless I explicitly let him in (or maybe he’s a vampire)

I go upstairs to let him in

But he’s already in. The door is still open and A BIRD IS IN MY GODDAMNED HOUSE.

First of all, I don’t know about superstition where you’re from, but in SC, a bird in the house means a family member is finna die (maybe it’s dreaming about birds… or teeth falling out) anyway…

I gotta get this bird out of my house before Jesus kills my uncle or something. So I grab the negro pest control device that resides in all Black homes: A broom.

I try to shoo him out (And YES I yell “shoo,” nigga! That’s bird language!)

But this bird is gangsta AF. It turns around and flies AT ME like it wants to throw hands. So I square up with the bird. He looks me in the eye. I look him in the eye, and I can tell what he’s thinking:

“It’s about to go down.”

He lands on the kitchen sink and I have an idea

Usually, a real gangsta like myself would’ve just merked the bird, but I decide to catch him. But I don’t want to lose an eye. I run to the garage to get some goggles, I come back and he’s still on the sink looking at me like:

“Aight nigga, you ready?”

I grab a plastic cup and a paper plate to catch him, knowing he’s gonna try to get away.

Not this gangsta ass bird. He just keeps staring like he’s 2Parrot Shakur. He might have been a Robin so I figured it was probably a Kappa but this bird was obviously a Blood.

I get closer (I’ve seen the crocodile hunter). He stares in Piru. I finally put the cup over him and slide him on the plate. He’s glaring at me through the cup like when Cleo got locked up.

I can tell he’s with the shits.

So I take him outside to release him, I throw the cup and plate as far as I can. They separate, the thug robin escapes and, in midair, swoops BACK AT ME.

Now I’m yelling “shoo!” In high soprano. I run back in the house. The dog is staring like “WTF” and the craziest part is:

I LOCK THE DOOR!

I put on ALL the locks. The deadbolt, the knob, I may have even poplocked!

Anyway, I know the birdgang is out there waiting for me, so I can’t go in my backyard for the next 3 or 4 years

So, if y’all hear about me being pecked to death, it was this goon: