It finally happened. One of my worst fears came true today but with faith and courage, I managed to overcome this nightmare scenario.

I was working from home, minding my business when my dog came to let me know he needed to go outside. I’m letting him out in the backyard when I get a message on slack that I’m supposed to be in a meeting, so I leave the back door cracked so he can come back in
Halfway through the meeting, I hear tapping. I figure it’s Omar. He’s 165 lbs & can open the door with his face, but he’s so dumb (or polite) that EVEN WHEN THE DOOR IS OPEN, he won’t come in unless I explicitly let him in (or maybe he’s a vampire)

I go upstairs to let him in
But he’s already in. The door is still open and A BIRD IS IN MY GODDAMNED HOUSE.

First of all, I don’t know about superstition where you’re from, but in SC, a bird in the house means a family member is finna die (maybe it’s dreaming about birds… or teeth falling out) anyway…
I gotta get this bird out of my house before Jesus kills my uncle or something. So I grab the negro pest control device that resides in all Black homes: A broom.

I try to shoo him out (And YES I yell “shoo,” nigga! That’s bird language!)
But this bird is gangsta AF. It turns around and flies AT ME like it wants to throw hands. So I square up with the bird. He looks me in the eye. I look him in the eye, and I can tell what he’s thinking:

“It’s about to go down.”

He lands on the kitchen sink and I have an idea
Usually, a real gangsta like myself would’ve just merked the bird, but I decide to catch him. But I don’t want to lose an eye. I run to the garage to get some goggles, I come back and he’s still on the sink looking at me like:

“Aight nigga, you ready?”
I grab a plastic cup and a paper plate to catch him, knowing he’s gonna try to get away.

Not this gangsta ass bird. He just keeps staring like he’s 2Parrot Shakur. He might have been a Robin so I figured it was probably a Kappa but this bird was obviously a Blood.
I get closer (I’ve seen the crocodile hunter). He stares in Piru. I finally put the cup over him and slide him on the plate. He’s glaring at me through the cup like when Cleo got locked up.

I can tell he’s with the shits.
So I take him outside to release him, I throw the cup and plate as far as I can. They separate, the thug robin escapes and, in midair, swoops BACK AT ME.

Now I’m yelling “shoo!” In high soprano. I run back in the house. The dog is staring like “WTF” and the craziest part is:

I put on ALL the locks. The deadbolt, the knob, I may have even poplocked!

Anyway, I know the birdgang is out there waiting for me, so I can’t go in my backyard for the next 3 or 4 years

So, if y’all hear about me being pecked to death, it was this goon:

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More from @michaelharriot

13 Jul
This tweet is hilarious

No one has EVER said they wanted to eat, shop and live around white people. In fact, the TRUE origin of legalized segregation has to do with something that NO ONE (aside from @sullydish) wants to talk about truthfully:

Fear of a Black penis.

A thread.
See, for years, white people have believed, for some reason, that Black men find white women irresistible. No one knows where it came from. But it is a thing that a LOT of white people believe.

It's has shaped American history in ways we don't talk about.
I know it sounds lewd, but let's see:

When white people first came and stole the land, they said the people & children "which shall happen to be born within...any of the Limits and Precincts of the said several Colonies and Plantations.. "
Read 37 tweets
9 Jul
Some outlets say Zaila Avante-Garde is the first Black woman to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee, but she’s the 1st AFRICAN AMERICAN

Jody-Anne Maxwell from Jamaica won in 1998

Others say she’s won the NATIONAL SPELLING BEE, which is an interesting story…

A thread
The National Spelling Bee that we watch started in 1925. But it was the SECOND one.

The first National Spelling Bee one was held in 1908 but something crazy happened.
Now, to understand how big this was, you gotta remember, there was no NBA, NFL, baseball was all-white and Netflix had very little content so people used to get together and do boring shit like make blankets or husk corn.
Read 29 tweets
4 Jul
On this day, 102 years ago, an event kicked off one of the worst periods of white backlash in history.

It started because of a 4th of a July parade.

A thread
Every year, the town of Bisbee, AZ held a big 4th of July parade. And, as usual, the racist police officers were the stars.

White folks in Bisbee LOVED the police
Mostly because it gave them jobs. See, Bisbee had gold, silver & copper mines along with turquoise deposits. Ofin the early 1900s Mexican workers began coming to Bisbee to work in the copper mines because something happening across the US made copper really popular:

Read 17 tweets
3 Jul
Why I think we need to outlaw the Fourth of July and the CRT (Caucasian Revolution Tale)

A Thread
First of all, I have never studied this so-called document but i know it’s divisive.

Do we want our children “declaring their independence” when they can’t work out their differences?

Plus it teaches that we are “endowed by our creator” with certain unalienable rights.
Is this what we want our children to believe? That, instead of working hard for their rights, they have to wait for an endowment from a a creator who governs all?

This sounds like a government handout to me.
Read 14 tweets
29 Jun
Wait… what did Whoopi say?

Saying something crazy like Biden or Establishment Democrats ended apartheid would be easily to dismantle.

A thread:
One of the reasons we don’t know what’s going on now is because we don’t understand history. Some Folks seriously think that Trump is the most racist president ever.

Sheeeit. Ronald Reagan would like a word with you outside.
Ronald Reagan dog whistles were just as loud as Trump’s.

Remember, after living under Reagan for 4 years, in 1984 he got the smallest percentage of the Black vote in history. White voters loved him, though.
Read 22 tweets
25 Jun
A cool thing just happened with one of my favorite stories about Black History.

It began when a Black community went up against LITERALLY one of the most powerful corporations in America

A thread:
My hometown, Hartsville, SC didn’t fully integrate its schools until the 90s. But in 1982, they closed the black high school/middle school.

It was named for a local pastor and preacher.
After the school closed down, this huge property was just sitting there. No one could afford the upkeep.

Meanwhile a family-owned business was looking for a place to try out it’s new plan to revolutionize small-town shopping with a thing they called the “superstore”
Read 32 tweets

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