Last week on my way to the city, I made the mistake of riding shotgun in a matatu. I never ride shotgun. Why? Coz the last time my teeth were knocked out in a scuffle between a policeman & the driver. The driver had implied the policeman had farted. Police whooped both our asses.
But I was in a hurry, & shotgun was the only option. So I risked it. The driver looked reasonable, not one to tell the policeman he had farted. I even got him some juice & water. He told me good morning & buckled his seat. Yes, stammered a little but decent guy by all standards.
We are moving. Music is good. I mean, this motherfucker was playing Kenny Rogers, Future, Franco: All kinds of music. I am thinking, "you diversity-oriented motherfucker!" Good man through & through. Wind in my face, all is good I fall asleep.
30 minutes later, I'm violently jolted out of my reverie. The minibus is at 120 km/h. People are screaming in the back. I do not understand what's going on, so I try to ask the driver, but he is on the phone. The phone is on loudspeaker & there is an angry woman on the other end.
I can hear the woman screaming on the other end: "I'm going, Wambua! I am going! I've had enough!" This Kenny Rogers-playing mofo cheated. It really does sound like the woman on the other end is packing. Wambua says, "If you leave, pick my body from the morgue in about an hour!"
Wambua steps on the gas. I start screaming too. But I had been taught to count from one to ten in emergencies so I count to thirty. I pick the phone up, talk to the woman on the other end, coz Wambua kept stammering & clapping without finishing his bloody apologies.
I tell the woman, Wambua is sorry: "He has changed". She says, "he'll never change! He slept with my two sisters". I am thinking, "Wambua you motherfucker". Before I am even done thinking Wambua chips in says, it was "O...o...o...o...nly...w...w...aaannn sister!" Wambua! Wambua!
The car is at 140 km/h. We are all screaming except Wambua. He is clapping his hands & mumbling words. I'm thinking, "this fool already serenading Jesus! He is going to kill us!" The wife's still screaming on the other hand, "he has no self-respect, even farts in front of kids!"
Occurs to me that the former driver might have been the farter too. It looks like something they do regularly. I'm thinking, "Poor policeman was innocent all this time." The other passengers are screaming at me to do something, the wife is screaming at me, Wambua is clapping.
Suddenly, as it had started, Wambua slows down. Says, we'll have to wait a few more minutes to die. That he must pee. I encourage him to pee. Peeing is good. So do the other passengers. We tell him it is good for his health. He stops a few minutes later, jumps out & SO DO WE!
I never whooped a man so much in my life. I whooped Wambua so much it made a rhythmic sound. He was talking about, "It...wa...wa...wa...was the devil!" Which devil? I should have never gone shotgun again, man. Better to walk.
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