Thread by @imaracingmom

Today's Thread:
FEAR
I'm going to try to be brave enough to share some icky stuff, so if you're sensitive to the ugly things humans do to each other, don't read this thread.
(Threading is the new blogging)

It just struck me that in the past year, I've faced a lot of fears. I know it's important to be humble, so please excuse me basking in a moment of pride. It's not comfortable being prideful, but I think we all need to learn to give ourselves credit when we've earned it.

And baby, I earned this!

I've always been angry with myself for being what I call a "chicken shit". The smallest things set me into a whirlwind of fear, doubt, and shame.

Hitting a self-worth bottom last year has brought back a lot of stuffed feelings and has made me realize the reasons behind so many fears. As I've gone through life, I've let fear cloud everything. It's clouded the pain and it's clouded the joy.

As I skirted around being afraid and remembering what made me afraid, I've forgotten to remember so many of the happy and good things in my life.

Years of bullying by other kids left me to believe I didn't have much to offer to the world.

Being a unique type of person gives them plenty of ammunition. Add on their taunts of being fat and ugly... let's just say there weren't any self esteem building experiences there. Even though I was starving for friends,

I was afraid of friendships because you open yourself up to being hurt.

Why am I afraid of anger? Because angry people beat you. My Dad and ex-boyfrend proved that time and again. And if you lose your temper, you risk hurting someone.

I learned that the 2nd (which was the last time) I ever spanked my son, when suddenly I realized I was a crazed with anger as my Dad used to get. So I try to avoid angry people and I try to stuff my anger.

It's flat out not healthy, but I don't know how to deal with it in a constructive way.

Worse than the beatings was the rape by 3 guys. I had got off of work at Perkins at 3am. Had walked across Hwy. 12 and was cutting across the field by Steak 'N Ale to crash at a friends apartment when they grabbed me.

They proceeded to beat me, pin me down, take a syringe and inject something into me, and then did several despicable things. I'll save you the gory details. Since then, no one sticks anything in my mouth and I don't do needles.

So, I've spent my adult life avoiding pictures, avoiding most close face to face relationships, avoiding the dentist, and avoiding needles. The face to face relationships is a double whammy as it's always been a struggle to fit in anyways.

In the last year I've admitted I wasn't OK and got help. That's been a healing journey. I faced the fear of my perception of myself and did a video for Vida News, did a video for Golden Oldies Tours, did a live show with Aaron and Jenni, ...

...have gone public with my past and with my mental health / neurodiversity challenges. Friday, I got my 1st dose of the vaccine.

Trivial to most people, monumental to me.

The last year has taught me that none of us are a "chicken shit" because we're afraid of something. I've learned it's ok to shout from the mountain tops that we're afraid. We're all human (at least the last time I looked we were).

I've learned that dwelling on the feeling of fear and letting it consume me is not a healthy way to deal with the fear. I have to be honest with myself and others why I'm afraid. I have to stop trying to conquer the world by myself and ask for help.

When help is offered, I must swallow my pride and accept it. That's the only way I'll ever be able to move forward and stop letting fear rule my life. That will be the only way I'm really as independent as I want to be.

I'm truly blessed that I found a soulmate who loves me just for who I am. After all these years, he still looks at me with a glow in his eyes, spoils me rotten, and still laughs at my stupid jokes.

I'm also blessed because despite all the obstacles in establishing meaningful relationships, I found some really good people to be my friends. Who don't laugh at my uniqueness, but embrace it and have been extremely supportive of this journey I am on.

It's OK to be afraid. If you're afraid, I hear you, and I'm here for you. I'll gladly share some love and support, anytime, anyday. It doesn't matter what's been done to you or what you did in the past, I am here if you need a friend. It's time for me to pay it forward.

I thought I had survived everything I've survived on my own. This week I learned I've never really been alone, I just had times where I made the choice to force myself to be alone.

Today, I don't feel fear. Right now, my heart is full of gratitude as I think of all the people who have helped me get here. I'm sure I'll still have plenty of days of fear, but in this moment I don't feel fear.

The butterfly has finally broken free of her cocoon.