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Slava Malamud Profile picture
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9 Aug, 6 tweets, 2 min read
Biblical masculinity? You mean like that guy who got drunk and was raped by his own daughters? Or like that guy who was so hurt by kids' making fun of his bald spot he got god to send some female bears to murder the children?
That biblical masculinity?
My favorite Bible story is about when an entire city was gay, and god was butthurt and wanted to burn it, and these god-fearing dudes went "No, wait, let us find one straight guy", so they did, and god was like "Oh, fine, save him", and then TURNED HIS WIFE INTO A BIG SALTY PENIS
Another is about the general who was like, "God, help me win a war", and god was, "Yeah, whatcha gonna do for me", and the guy was "I'll kill the 1st thing that comes out of my city to meet me", and god made his daughter come out and the guy killed her & burned her corpse for god
The best one was when god got this guy to take his people out of slavery and went like, "Go to the pharaoh and tell him to let your people go", and the guy was like "OK, fine, so he will?", and god was like, "Nah, nah, here is the beauty part: Imma make his say no!! Get it?"
And the guy was, "K, then what?"
"And then, I will punish him! With frogs!"
"K.... They he lets us go?"
"Nah, nah, my man, here is the best part of the plan. Imma make him san no again!"
"Why?"
"So I can punish him with locusts!"
"So, then he lets us go?"
"Fuck no, boy! Imma..."
Long story short, gods winds up straight murdering all the kids in the whole damn country because the pharaoh did WHAT GOD MADE HIM FUCKING DO!
Yeah, kids, the Bible is crazier than a sack of actual batshit.
The protagonist from Lolita is the sanest man on Earth compared go god.

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More from @SlavaMalamud

Slava Malamud Profile picture
11 Aug
My son has agreed to watch #BlackWidow with me, but on the condition that we will make fun of it, MST3000-style, as we watch.
10 minutes in. Good news: it cannot be called the worst movie ever made in a world where Indiana Jones-4 exists.
Bad news: it's the worst movie ever made.
Where do I start?.. Hey, let's start in the beginning, as the scriptwriter, undoubtedly chained to a concrete chair with the words "MAKE IT AS AMERICAN AS POSSIBLE" written in blood on all the walls of his windowless room, decided to begin in the most American of all states. Image
OK, so they are clumsily rewriting The Americans plot, but with 1000 billion fewer brain cells involved. Fine, I don't care. But here we are, as the Jennings family is forced to... gasp... leave America.
So, let me tell you a little about hamfisted scenes. ImageImageImage
Read 74 tweets
Slava Malamud Profile picture
5 Aug
Another baseball question. When the infield looks like this, why the hell wouldn't you bunt to third base? Looks like a guaranteed single to me. Image
I'm sure there is a rationale here, otherwise nobody would do it, I am just curious what it is.
Wow, extremely analytical answers. Glad I've asked this. Definitely not something one would pick up instinctually.
Read 4 tweets
Slava Malamud Profile picture
17 Jul
So last night, my 12-year-old and I had a very deep and difficult conversation about the Marvel Cinematic Universe's most disturbing and hideous character, Iron Man. My son found Tony Stark unpalatable for multiple valid reasons, but I was unsettled on a deeper level.
Thing is...
Tony Stark is the most Russian character in the entire bloody saga. I am not hyperbolizing or being coy. Anton Starkov is extremely, horrifyingly Russian for all the wrong, most problematic, most repulsive reasons.
Consider the following...
It's not just that Stark is ostentatious and vulgar in his displays of wealth and bangs his secretary (and also everyone else), both of which are mandatory by statute for all Russian oligarchs. Tony lives by two core principles, that consume his entire being:
Read 8 tweets
Slava Malamud Profile picture
17 Jul
The entire idea of Avengers: Endgame is "Hulk may have six PhD's, but Tony Stark is a billionaire, and billionaires are magic, so stuff your degrees up your green asshole, egghead."
The whole thing is just a fucking hymn to capitalism! It's not even a coincidence that the disgustingly unhandsome Thor looks like Friedrich Engels now.
Wait, Pepper Potts is a superhero, too? What's her superhero name? The Golddigger?
Read 5 tweets
Slava Malamud Profile picture
14 Jul
At some point the world's sports community will understand that it is absolutely impossible to make Putin's Russia stop cheating in sports. It will not stop cheating. It can't stop cheating. Cheating has become an integral part of Russian international sports.
It's really a pretty simple dynamic: there is no downside to cheating for Putin. Any gold Russia wins is a political win for him. Any time a Russian athlete gets caught, he spins it as the evil West being afraid of glorious Russian athlete. The public buys it wholesale.
Even liberals don't blame Putin for doping scandals. The narrative is always the same:
1) our athletes are blameless, it's all an anti-Russian plot
2) even if they dope, so what, everybody does
3) even if we do it more than anyone, it's still OK, for the glory of the Motherland
Read 6 tweets
Slava Malamud Profile picture
10 Jul
In the entire history of the NHL, there has never been a non-expansion team that was a bigger embarrassment than the Buffalo Sabres that would go on to survive long-term.
At this point, to close up shop would be the best-case scenario.
This level of incompetence is unsustainable.
Usually when people say "I could coach/manage better", it's a hyperbole. Not here. Forget even me, I am a professional sports writer who is famously never wrong. Imagine yourself, a lay plebeian. In what imaginable way could you mismanage Buffalo worse than these "pros" have?
Think about it. What could you possibly do to make it worse?
How can Briere/Drury be screwed up more? Inspirational captains who led the team to a Presidents Cup season - allowed to walk for nothing after the team completely alienated them with disrespectful, low-ball proposals
Read 8 tweets

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