Thread by @NightSkyGames

Talking with People part 2, #bakerhouseband
One time, I was at a convention, meeting lots of new people. A man I’d never met before came up to me & said “You are Meguey Baker, right?” Yes I am. “And is it true you are a sex ed teacher?” Yes, right again! “I have a question...”

Ok, let’s sit down. This young man had just had the opportunity to talk with some young women, but had missed the chance, for several reasons. Primary among those was being on his way somewhere else, not wanting to intrude on the women, and also…

/not knowing how to approach someone he was interested in meeting but didn’t have context to meet/, as in, they were not at a gathering together with a socially easy way to say hello and introduce himself and have a casual conversation.

These were women he had interacted with extremely briefly, as they were headed to another event nearby. Could I give him some pointers? Did I have any ideas how to help him?
Yes, and I’m so glad you asked!

The answer is three pairs of words. Grace & Timing, Confidence & Agency, Dignity & Courage.

GRACE, physical and verbal. When you want to approach someone you don’t know, /make sure both of you can leave the situation gracefully./

Avoid cornering someone, or blocking them from leaving the situation, even accidentally. Be aware of your surroundings, & make sure the person you are approaching has a way to leave the physical space gracefully.

This is why people so rarely speak in elevators – no one can leave gracefully until the elevator stops & the doors open. It’s usually much wiser to just not try to start a conversation in such an ungracious place – pretty much anything said there is going to be awkward at best.

/This means verbally as well as physically/. If I want to talk to you, I’ll smile & say “Hi.” If you smile or say hi back, I’ll follow up with a comment or question that is open-ended, doesn't put you in any sort of verbal corner, & allows you to leave the situation with grace.

Like “How are you finding the convention?” or “Isn’t it great, seeing so many happy people playing games?” or ” What game did you just play?” or whatever. This allows the person I wish to speak to a chance to respond at their own level of enthusiasm.

It might be an immediate “I love it; let me tell you all about the game I just played….” and now we’re talking. It might be “It’s great – I have to go get some food, though, or I won’t make it through my next game” and they are out of there with grace.

TIMING. In any interaction between people, timing matters. /Good timing eases a situation, poor timing makes it more awkward./ Pick your timing well. An example: If you see someone looking like they are trying to find a thing or place or even a person, you can offer to help.

“Can I help you find something?” is a great opener in this situation, because sometimes people really do want help! If they say “No thanks, I've got it,” smile, nod, and move on gracefully.

If you see someone looking at a map, clearly trying to figure something out, and you say “Lovely day today, isn’t it?” your timing is off – they have to stop what they are working on, consider the statement, and answer before they can get on with figuring out where they are.

This may mean you get no answer at all, only an odd look, and everyone feels more awkward. Move on.

Also, if someone is eating, talking to someone else, or otherwise clearly not available to talk or listen to you, the timing isn't great. That might mean you never get to talk to that cute person who always has earbuds in, or reading a book over coffee, or etc. Oh well. Move on.

They are sending pretty clear signals that they are not interested in interacting with other people right now, and if you approach them, your timing is off and you are not being graceful.

CONFIDENCE is attractive. It draws us to other people, & draws people to us. If you approach a person with a story in your head about how they won’t want to talk to you anyway, it may come across as desperation &/or bravado, which is a combination that leads to stomach aches.

Being comfortable with yourself physically is attractive, but it’s also something a lot of people struggle with. So, consider where else your comforts and strengths are.

Are you a really great listener? Do you have a good eye for detail in a costume, or game mechanics, or know a lot about a certain game, or just have a solid grasp of the schedule & what’s happening where? Do you make the most amazing pancakes known to humankind? Excellent!

Tuck that in the back of your mind, as a place of confidence. /You don’t need to demonstrate or mention this personal strength and confidence every time, but you do need to know it’s there./

There are times when the thing I feel confident about is vastly different from the setting I am in and the task at hand. We are more than the challenge in front of us at any given moment.

I have preformed dances that look impressive, & take skill, grace, timing & dignity. I've helped pass federal legislation. I also can make a great berry pie, play a fierce game of cards, & repair a car door with fiberglass & bondo & paint.

Having all this in the back of my head, really on a subconscious level, lets me feel confident in lots of other situations – like navigating Heathrow airport and learning Italian and being on TV and talking to people I don’t know.

AGENCY Assume the competence and agency of the other person.
/Assume they know what they are doing and that they are in control of themselves, fully able to make any and all decisions about anything that concerns them./
As are you.

If you're at, say, a convention, assume others are there for the same reasons, with the same or very similar background & interests. This is great! You are more likely to have better grace, timing & dignity, since you have a decent chance of having something to talk about.

If you approach someone and they do not respond in kind, move on! They are in control of themselves and do not owe you anything beyond civil manners & your legal rights. They might have stuff to do, things on their mind, places to get to on time.

REMEMBER! Just as you owe the random people on the street nothing at all besides their human rights and basic courtesy, the random person you want to talk to owes you nothing at all. Respect that you don’t know ANYTHING about someone you’ve just met.

They could be really tired, or really focused on something else, or still thinking about that last roll and how it could have gone differently. If I say “hello” to you, and you’re preoccupied and don’t respond, I’ll move on.

I don’t need anything from you, you don’t need anything from me, we’re both able to continue on with grace & dignity. Acting like you have somehow been deeply affronted by someone not smiling back, or that any random person owes you any sort of interaction makes you look worse.

DIGNITY If you want to be considered a person capable of carrying on an interesting conversation, avoid starting it with something that makes you sound less than you are.

If you approach someone with dignity, you will most likely avoid saying things that are rude, offensive, or just badly misrepresent you. “Hello” is good.

“Hey baby, I see you're sitting here looking lonely so I came over to offer a little…hospitality.” is usually hella not, unless those are your lines in a late 1970s B-movie & you are on-set. Or LARPing as such, & you are in-game.

Likewise, /treat them as someone with dignity/. Respect them. If you're interested in them, ask them about themselves – “What’s your favorite game?” “Wow, how did you make the wings on that cosplay?!” “What did you think of that panel?”

Even things like “Hey, where did you get that food?” or “Excuse me, do you have a map I could look at? ” are ok. This way you are starting with a gracious well-timed open-ended question, that will possibly lead to an answer, perhaps another question, & then you're talking!

Of course, if I /do/ need something from you, I better be CLEAR what it is, & it better have nothing to do with you, but more like “Excuse me, do you know where [xyz/etc] is?” Open-ended, with good grace & timing. If you can’t or don’t want to answer, then I'll ask elsewhere.

Even more importantly, the fact that you answered such a question, thereby being a gracious human being, does not entitle me to more of your time and attention. We might enjoy talking for hours, but we still have our graceful ways out.

Finally, COURAGE. All it takes to say “Hello” is 10 seconds. 8 of those are working up the courage to say it & checking your timing, dignity & grace. After "Hello", take turns talking, as long as the conversation lasts. If you say hello to someone & they don’t respond, move on.

All you’ve spent is 10 seconds. At this rate you can say hello to a heck of a lot of people, and some of those hellos will lead to great conversations and possibly friendships. Grace & Timing, Confidence & Agency, Dignity & Courage.

Back to the story at the beginning. The following day I ran into the young man, who gave me a big smile & said “It worked! I had a really nice conversation with one of the women I saw yesterday. Thanks a bunch!” So there you go; some basics for how to start a conversation. Enjoy!