Thread by @jordantyranny

I should have posted here sooner, I'm sorry, I have been a mess and spent night with friends IRL.

y'all are very kind, I am still alive, I wish I could say all my problems are solved and I feel better and eager to stick around but y'all deserve to at least know I'm ok right now.

My sister told me if nothing helps just to try to sleep as much as I can, so I have just been using that coping strategy today.

Thank you for reaching out, if you don't see me on here for a while it's cause I'm very very sad and tired and don't want to worry ppl even more.

dear trans team,

Thank you for reaching out and wanting me to stay alive.

It doesn't always work, I've definitely lost friends to suiii before only to read all the wish I could have helped posts after and cry.

Thank you for helping keep me alive and being kind and patient.

Life is really not going well or at least what I wanted it to be but those aren't problems for people not me to try and solve.

I'm really sorry to have worried or triggered or scared people I will do my absolute best to keep these feelings and moments off social media now on.

Despite what any messages here say I am not particularly bright or caring or thoughtful or generous.

People who do reach out and take time and energy and love to help people who are hurting, those are the people we can't live without.

You deserve more love than I can give ❤️❤️

I really feel pretty awful, it's just this gnawing unhappiness and sadness eating away at me.

I feel physically sick at this point.

All I can say is that for some ppl it doesn't get better.

You don't grow more confident or happier, in fact it's just the opposite. It sucks.

if you linger and languish in this impossible yearning it will consume you.

It's not sustainable it's not stable it can't last.

I go to therapy and exercise and have friends and with all the resources I DO have, I'm nowhere close to figuring out how to turn it off.

I'm sorry.

im pretty embarrassed at how bad i am at regulating or controlling my emotions, or how easy it is for me to get to such a low place so quickly and forcefully.

it's something i have tried to work on with my therapist and something i still fail at a lot of the time.

“I didn’t want any new clothes at all; because if I had to look ugly, I wanted to at least be comfortable. I let the awful clothes affect my posture, walked around with my back bowed, my shoulders drooping, I was afraid of mirrors, because they showed an inescapable ugliness.”

Kafka's Diary is full of relatable trans dysphoria gold.

2 November. This morning, for the first time in a long time, the joy again of imagining a knife twisted in my heart.”

People label themselves with all sorts of adjectives. I can only pronounce myself as 'nauseatingly miserable beyond repair'.”

― Franz Kafka, Diaries, 1910-1923

“April 27. Incapable of living with people, of speaking. Complete immersion in myself, thinking of myself. Apathetic, witless, fearful. I have nothing to say to anyone - never.”
― Franz Kafka, Diaries, 1910-1923

“Faith, like a guillotine. As heavy, as light."

“Life is merely terrible; I feel it as few others do. Often — and in my inmost self perhaps all the time — I doubt whether I am a human being.”
― Franz Kafka

I’m doing badly, I’m doing well, whichever you prefer.”
― Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

I have literally pages of excerpts I related to but I'll save you from posting them all

"They are sad books, filled with sad and skinless people. There are some who do not like such books. The world, too, is crowded with the sorrowful and the sensitive. There are many who do not like such a world.”
― Dorothy Parker

“My day passes between logic, whistling, going for walks, and being depressed.

I wish to God that I were more intelligent and everything would finally become clear to me - or else that I needn’t live much longer.”
― Ludwig Wittgenstein, Letters to Russell, Keynes

“Girls are cruelest to themselves.
Someone like Emily Brontë,
who remained a girl all her life despite her body as a woman,
had cruelty drifted up in all the cracks of her like spring snow.”

― Anne Carson, Glass, Irony and God

“Emily is in the parlour brushing the carpet, Unsociable even at home", records Charlotte in 1828.