Thread by @imaracingmom

Music, Darkness, and Frogs.
Today's blog in a thread.

Years ago, when music was my life, I liked to play in bands, even though I don't like an audience. Audiences make me puke. But I love the music. I always played, never sang. Blessed with musical talent, I wasn't blessed with a voice. 2/

I can't hear myself well enough to tell if I'm in pitch (born with ear/hearing issues), so besides not having a good voice, my singing is pitchy and off key and that drives me nuts. I never sing for anyone. Well, almost anyone. 3/

When Tom was a baby, he'd cry for hours. We were often alone because Mark worked long hours and worked nights. I'd rock Tommy and sing to him. Babies don't care if your voice sucks. He'd fall asleep in my arms and sometimes, it was the only way he'd sleep. 4/

I'll sing to myself in the car, house, or shop when no one's around. When others are around, I just listen.

Last night, I feel asleep before Mark came in from the woods (or so I thought). He didn't wake me. I never fixed him supper. Poor guy! 5/

When I went home yesterday, I was feeling icky emotionally and physically. I forgot to take the bandaid off from Friday's vax and didn't notice it when I showered because my arm is sore and I didn't touch that area. 6/

This was a stupid thing to do because adhesive does nasty things to me. I've broken out in hives and am in sensory overload. Still sick to the stomach, too. My body feels like it's screaming at me, everything just feels "off". 7/

Battling another bought of the blues I figured as Mark wasn't in the house, I'd spend some time enjoying music and see if I could clear my head. I was playing YouTube videos on the TV and wearing Mark's headset to listen.
8/

After many years of not playing, it feels good to have a couple of guitars to play and that skill is returning quickly. I sometimes just like to play and sometimes I like to play along to something, which is were videos come in handy. 9/

My arm was hurting and my fingers got tired, so I closed my eyes and just listened for a while. I was comfy in the recliner and I guess I fell asleep. I slept all night, for way more hours than normal, wearing the headset and hugging the guitar. 10/

LOL, yes, I slept with a guitar! I didn't hear my alarm go off this morning, so it's a good thing Mark got up and woke me for work!!!! I chided him for not waking me so we could have dinner and then I could have went to bed. 11/

He used to wake me and tell me to go to bed if I fell asleep somewhere random. Now, because my sleeping has been so erratic, he just lets me sleep where ever I drop.

So, as I'm rushing to get ready for work, I notice he's got a big grin on his face. 12/

I ask him why the hell he's smiling at 2:30 in the morning? He says "I heard you singing last night". I look at him in horror! I tell him the same line I've used for years... "OMG, I sing like a dead frog in heat"! "When did you hear me singing?" 13/

He tells me a couple of times when he came in for a drink and to go to the bathroom.

GEEZ, I never knew he was there! That's kinda creepy. Glad it was him and not some rando stranger. I must have slept soundly because I never heard him all night. 14/

Now I'm at work and to my horror, I discover he used my phone again! This time he recorded me. I just called him and woke him up and chewed his ass. This is not funny. This is going too far. This is not a practical joke. I'm not amused. 15/

The poor guy is pretty groggy and trying to clear the cob webs as I spew so much anger at him.

"Weeble. WEEBLE! STOP!!! I wasn't playing a joke on you." He says. "You've been so sad lately, and when you were singing, I knew you were happy." 16/

"I just want you to have something to remind you to be happy."

He actually said "I love you". He never says it to me. Now I'm at work in tears. I love him, too. 17/

3 days until September 9th. I'm so obsessed with that date, I'm struggling to be able to think of anything else. I am stuck. I know I'm stuck. I know that so many are fighting this and working on alternatives and it's not over on that day. But I am stuck. 18/

The message that the MDO's are sending to the world will be as hard or harder to overcome in the eyes of the public as EVALI is. And I hate this.

I am stuck. It's making me depressed. I wish I was angry.
I'm stuck on an ending. Every hurdle we've faced has been a beginning. 19/

What lesson is in this? IDK. Maybe it's about voices. Maybe too many of us have thought that our voices aren't good enough when others find them exceptional. Maybe it doesn't matter if we speak words vocally, or with our hands, eyes or pens, 20/

or even with our music, maybe the most important lesson of all is not to give in to the darkness, to not give up, because we never now what tomorrow will bring.

Maybe my biggest mistake was not to hate my voice, but to lose my hope.
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