1/
I recall walking into the hospital to round the day after 9/11. Though everything seemed normal, it was anything but.
I pulled down a chart box and attempted to look through a chart. Then I looked up and saw my colleague walking toward me.
The one from New York.
I recall walking into the hospital to round the day after 9/11. Though everything seemed normal, it was anything but.
I pulled down a chart box and attempted to look through a chart. Then I looked up and saw my colleague walking toward me.
The one from New York.
2/
She walked up and I just hugged her. Tight without speaking at first.
Her: “It is all like a bad dream.”
Me: “I know.”
*silence*
Me: “Um. . .”
Her: “I spoke to everyone. They are OK. We are fortunate. But I know people who are still waiting.
I nodded in quiet deference.
She walked up and I just hugged her. Tight without speaking at first.
Her: “It is all like a bad dream.”
Me: “I know.”
*silence*
Me: “Um. . .”
Her: “I spoke to everyone. They are OK. We are fortunate. But I know people who are still waiting.
I nodded in quiet deference.
3/
Since we didn’t know what else to do, we hugged again. This time tighter and more knowing. The way you cling to someone at a good-bye or uncertain future.
When we pulled back, she was looking skyward and patting her eyes with the heels of her hands.
Her: “See you later?”
Since we didn’t know what else to do, we hugged again. This time tighter and more knowing. The way you cling to someone at a good-bye or uncertain future.
When we pulled back, she was looking skyward and patting her eyes with the heels of her hands.
Her: “See you later?”
4/
I sighed out a yes and we parted.
I rounded in a fog that day. Each encounter laced with some discussion of what happened. From the person who hadn’t heard from her son at the Pentagon to the one who already had a conspiratorial idea behind it all.
It was a lot.
I sighed out a yes and we parted.
I rounded in a fog that day. Each encounter laced with some discussion of what happened. From the person who hadn’t heard from her son at the Pentagon to the one who already had a conspiratorial idea behind it all.
It was a lot.
5/
Like many, I ran through the list of people that I needed to check on.
Husband’s fellow Army Ranger best friend working in The Pentagon.
The colleagues, former students, and friends in NYC.
Was I forgetting anyone?
All while answering pages and trying to teach my team.
Like many, I ran through the list of people that I needed to check on.
Husband’s fellow Army Ranger best friend working in The Pentagon.
The colleagues, former students, and friends in NYC.
Was I forgetting anyone?
All while answering pages and trying to teach my team.
6/
September of 2001 was my very first month as a ward attending at Grady. So this scary new normal was colliding with another new normal.
Yeah.
I didn’t have the tools to know to focus on the wellness of my team. I tried to make things seem “okay.”
But it was not.
September of 2001 was my very first month as a ward attending at Grady. So this scary new normal was colliding with another new normal.
Yeah.
I didn’t have the tools to know to focus on the wellness of my team. I tried to make things seem “okay.”
But it was not.
7/
And I wish I could tell you of some wise thing a Grady elder told me that righted everything. I can’t.
Mostly, I just remember it as a day that was painful and scary and disorienting and that just . . . sucked.
Yeah.
But the day after something awful is often like that.
And I wish I could tell you of some wise thing a Grady elder told me that righted everything. I can’t.
Mostly, I just remember it as a day that was painful and scary and disorienting and that just . . . sucked.
Yeah.
But the day after something awful is often like that.
8/
When my sister died of a sudden cardiac death in 2012, I recall the day, yes. But that day after is equally seared into my brain, too.
The eerie quiet when I awoke and that moment where I asked:
“Did this really happen?”
Followed by the jolt of reality—a buzzing cellphone.
When my sister died of a sudden cardiac death in 2012, I recall the day, yes. But that day after is equally seared into my brain, too.
The eerie quiet when I awoke and that moment where I asked:
“Did this really happen?”
Followed by the jolt of reality—a buzzing cellphone.
9/
I turned it over and saw the screen. It was covered in text messages and missed calls.
This happened.
The disorienting daze continued for a while. Trying to call her. Making coffee but forgetting the carafe. Once I even left the house without shoes.
I was ten miles away.
I turned it over and saw the screen. It was covered in text messages and missed calls.
This happened.
The disorienting daze continued for a while. Trying to call her. Making coffee but forgetting the carafe. Once I even left the house without shoes.
I was ten miles away.
10/
And so.
20 years and one day after 9/11, I am reflecting on the day after a nightmare happens to us.The scary pain the settles around you like a boogie man—and this deep yearning for things to be as they were even though you know they never will be again.
Yeah.
And so.
20 years and one day after 9/11, I am reflecting on the day after a nightmare happens to us.The scary pain the settles around you like a boogie man—and this deep yearning for things to be as they were even though you know they never will be again.
Yeah.
11/
If I could go back to my 20 years ago neophyte attending self? I’d say:
“Be still, sis. Check on your team. Tell them it’s okay to not be okay. Send the ones home who are flying on one wing. And figure out what you need, too. It’s okay to not be okay. Okay?”
If I could go back to my 20 years ago neophyte attending self? I’d say:
“Be still, sis. Check on your team. Tell them it’s okay to not be okay. Send the ones home who are flying on one wing. And figure out what you need, too. It’s okay to not be okay. Okay?”
12/
For some, that day after nightmare has never ended. A form of new normal has congealed around them. And they do the best they can.
So to those people, I am thinking of you today. I am.
For some, that day after nightmare has never ended. A form of new normal has congealed around them. And they do the best they can.
So to those people, I am thinking of you today. I am.
13/
I don’t have anything else deep to say. Just that I remember. Not just NYC but The Pentagon and Somerset, PA, too.
And that now I know that the day after can be worse than the day of a tragedy.
Be well and hug people tight and knowing.
That is all.
I don’t have anything else deep to say. Just that I remember. Not just NYC but The Pentagon and Somerset, PA, too.
And that now I know that the day after can be worse than the day of a tragedy.
Be well and hug people tight and knowing.
That is all.
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