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Tea Pain

12 Sep, 10 tweets, 2 min read

MINI-THREAD

1) Yesterday, Tea Pain went to the 9/11 ceremony up at Big Cedar Lodge on Table Rock Lake in Branson, MO. While he was up in that neck of the woods, he decided to make his semi-annual trek to the holiest-of-holies of outdoor stores: Bass Pro Shop up in Springfield.

2) Tea's gonna share a little secret with ya. If you're a fisherman, don't waste your time and money goin' in the big store where you'll pay 5 bucks for a pack of 8 worms or 9 dollars for a single crank bait, no sir! Drive around the corner of the complex to the...

3) ...Catalog Outlet Store. That's where the smart money goes. Every time Tea goes in, he buys every purple worm they got in the bulk plastic department. It's like a bulk candy Store for anglers, where you buy your plastic baits for $6.00 a pound. That a little less than...

4) ...6 cents a worm! As Tea left the store with his arm load of soft-plastic treasures, he encountered this big ol' feller gettin' outta a van with "Holy Ghost Evangelical Church" stenciled on the side. This ol' boy looked to be in his late sixties, heavy set, ...

5) ...with frantic grey hair tryin' to make a desperate escape out from under a grungy lookin' MAGA hat. In additional, he was sportin' a John-The-Baptist length beard that Tea swore still had a some honey and a few locusts in it.

6) To complete his down-home meth lab motif, he was sportin' a faded grey T-shirt with an image of Donald Trump flippin' the bird on each of his baby hands and the slogan, "Trump 2020 - F*** Your Feelings" at the bottom.

7) That shirt shouted volumes to ol' Tea Pain as he though to himself that a picture does truly paint a thousand words, even though the feller on that shirt's vocabulary is easily a fourth of that.

8) That ol' mountain of a MAGA, who is probably somebody's grandpa and has the keys to the church van, is walkin' around with a shirt that easily breaks three commandments.

9) This is what happens when politics meets religion. Neither one does the other any favors. One day when that poor feller shuffles off his mortal coil and makes his way up to the Pearly Gates, ol' Saint Peter's gonna meet him, fetch out that T-shirt and say "We need to chat."

10) <Tea Pain out>

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More from @TeaPainUSA

Tea Pain

@TeaPainUSA

10 Sep

MINI-THREAD

1) Tea Pain's gonna make a bold statement. 9/11 and Jan 6th are inseparably linked.

2) Think about it for a second. On 9/11, a group of religious extremists attacked New York City and our nation's capitol. 9/11 fueled the anti-Muslim radicalization that infected the far-right, which was later adopted as a Tea Party mantra.

3) The Tea Party was co-opted and further radicalized as MAGA by the Trump movement, culminatin' with a Muslim Ban. With Trump at the rudder, he steered this flamin' rage-barge in a lazy 180 degree circle until that hatred was turned away from Muslims and back on America itself.

Read 6 tweets

Tea Pain

@TeaPainUSA

22 Aug

1) Tea Pain loves fishin' more than life itself, but sadly he ain't been since Trump got elected in 2016. Now that Joe Biden's in the White House takin' care of business, Tea thought it was time to treat himself, so he and his good friend Dewey Oyler headed up to Table Rock Lake.

2) There ain't nothin' better than to unplug from the interwebs and spend a day in a boat communin' with nature with nothin' but a rod, a reel and a cooler of PBR. But the best thing about about the lake is that it's a great way to get away from politics. Or so Tea thought.

3) There we was, out on this rocky point, pullin' in largemouth and spotted bass like takin' twenties outta an ATM. The beer was cold, the fishin' was hot and all was right with the world...that is until the world's biggest floatin' boom box came round the bend.

Read 13 tweets

Tea Pain

@TeaPainUSA

14 Aug

MINI-THREAD:

1) When Tea Pain was a little boy, Tea's neighbor's to the West were the Whittens. Their 9 kids were usually poorly dressed, barefoot and always in trouble in school. Their daddy was Jimmy Whitten, a part-time mechanic and full-time alcoholic.

2) Tea recalls this one time he was playin' at the Whittens with their boys near their daddy's shed where he was workin' on a old car he could never seem to get runnin'. Tea was standin' near the taillights and could smell the Johnny Walker comin' from under the hood.

3) Jimmy Whitten had a habit of talkin' to anyone that would listen and he button-holed little Tea and started spewin' whatever came into his pure grain brain. "You know what?", Jimmy wheezed, his eyes lookin' like pickled eggs. "Adolf Hitler was a great man."

Read 10 tweets

Tea Pain

@TeaPainUSA

7 Aug

MINI-THREAD:

1) This week the MAGA feller that proclaimed he was “glad” he caught COVID died a miserable death at the hands of the deadly virus.

This is a tragic indictment of downward trajectory Trump put half our nation on.

2) How did we get to a point where a livin’, breathin’ human bein’ can be ecstatic about contractin’ a deadly disease that ends in such a miserable demise? The answer may be simpler than you think.

3) Used to be folks in this country agreed on lotsa stuff, like family, supportin’ our troops, modern medicine, education and respectin’ the rule of law, but now we got one political party cheerin’ low vaccination rates and makin’ policy guaranteein’ COVID is free to spread.

Read 7 tweets

Tea Pain

@TeaPainUSA

18 Jul

MINI-THREAD on Trumpism:

1) After 4 years of embarassin' failures and gettin' wiped out in 2020, why does Trumpism still appeal to Republicans? Tea believes we'll understand it better if we break things down into their essence.

2) Trumpism ain't a doctrine. It's an act, and it's actions can be distilled down into three basic categories.

a. Ignorance
b. Racism
c. Cruelty

3) Remember when Trump said "We love the poorly educated?" Nate Lunder is one of the most ignorant men here in Gizzard Ridge. Needless to say, Nate is massive Trump supporter. Nate brags regularly that he's 47 years old and has never left Fartlett county. Tea would wager...

Read 9 tweets

Tea Pain

@TeaPainUSA

3 Jul

MINI-THREAD: If Tea Pain was Cyrus Vance, this is what he'd do. See if you agree.

1) Drop a few indictments over the next couple of months on some of the lesser imps and demons not named Trump at TrumpOrg. This should slowly raise the temperature in Weisselberg's crock pot.

2) Once Weisselberg starts simmerin' good, dump a load of paper on the Trump kids. The kids will have a choice of droppin' a dime on dear ol' dad or go after CFO Weisselberg. 99% chance they will blame Weisselberg for the mess they're in.

3) The Trump kids turnin' on Weisselberg will quickly turn the CFO from "Chief Financial Officer" to "Crunchy Fried Object". Allen knows if they'll go after the kids, then Trump is next. If the kids turn on Allen, then he's already got his answer if the family will squash him.

Read 4 tweets

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