1.Hello and welcome! It’s episode 356 of #MrMrsBetterHalf. Mr. & Mrs Better Half is designed to strengthen marriages & relationships that will lead to marriage, with wisdom from God's Word. 
2. Today, we are discussing “How do I deal with a secretive spouse? I know that feeling like your spouse is keeping something from you can breed insecurity in a relationship. #MrMrsBetterHalf
3. If your spouse is secretive, you’d typically think about different things – are they only like that with you? Don’t they trust you enough to share things with you? What are they hiding? Could it hurt you or your family? #MrMrsBetterHalf
4. You may wonder if being secretive is such a bad thing. Note that being secretive is different from being able to keep a secret. Let me start off by distinguishing between both. #MrMrsBetterHalf
5. The ability to keep a secret speaks of confidentiality. It is the quality of being trustworthy & dependable. This is what constrains priests, doctors, lawyers and bankers from sharing your business with third parties. #MrMrsBetterHalf
6.On the other hand, being secretive is a conscious concealment of intentions and information, often to someone else’s disadvantage. It doesn’t suggest nobility. Rather it alludes to darkness & the existence of something that could bring shame or pain. #MrMrsBetterHalf
7. The lifeblood of a relationship is open and honest communication. Being secretive directly contradicts that. It means there are parts of your life that you have chosen to withhold from your partner. #MrMrsBetterHalf
8.When one withholds information from someone who should have his/her trust, it chips away at the relationship. This goes contrary to the idea of marriage where two are supposed to become one. #MrMrsBetterHalf
9.Someone said ‘intimacy’ is a verb that means ‘into-me-see’. You have to let your spouse see all of you. You are to be of one flesh, heart and mind. #MrMrsBetterHalf
10. When you uncover a secret about your partner, it is often devastating to a relationship because it is akin to lying. Anyone in a relationship knows that withholding information is just as damaging as telling untruths. #MrMrsBetterHalf
11. It communicates that you don’t trust the other person. It also begs the question, ‘what else are you hiding?’ If you were to die today, would your spouse or fiancé find out that you had many skeletons in your closet? #MrMrsBetterHalf
12.Now, what kind of secrets do people in relationships typically keep? A) Secrets about who they really are and/or their backgrounds. Singles, a word of advice...Trace the roots of the person you plan to marry. #MrMrsBetterHalf
13. Even if he/she is an orphan, someone must know him/her. Back in the day, our parents sent scouts to villages to trace the roots of a bride/groom back to 4 generations. Some people try to wipe out their pasts because they are ashamed of it. #MrMrsBetterHalf
14. The past is there - there is no running from it. To conquer the past, you must acknowledge it, own it, be honest about it but refuse to let it dictate your future. B) People keep secrets about their past failings or indiscretions. #MrMrsBetterHalf
15. Don't despise your past experiences. Your experiences have played a part in who you have become, but remember- you are not your past. Very often when people see psychologists, the doctors always want to know as much as possible about their past. #MrMrsBetterHalf
16. Unresolved or buried hurts or issues of the past always find a way to influence and tamper with your future. C) People are secretive about personal issues. Some hide their struggles from their partners. e.g. addictions. #MrMrsBetterHalf
17. Needless to say, your partner needs to know what he or she is getting into when you get married. The mistake people make is thinking that they have to appear perfect so that they can get married. #MrMrsBetterHalf
18. This is why when secrets are uncovered in marriage, the discovering party feels betrayed and sometimes trapped. What you really want is someone who knows your worst flaws, but chooses to love you regardless. #MrMrsBetterHalf
19. D) People also hide their financial status. People have gotten married to discover their spouses had huge debts. Sometimes it is the reverse - you discover that your spouse is extremely wealthy but keeps money from you. #MrMrsBetterHalf
20. Both instances are painful because they communicate the same thing. Your partner isn’t honest with you. E) Family issues. e.g. Bad family history. The temptation to do this is huge because most of us want to be proud of our families. #MrMrsBetterHalf
21. Remember that your family history is not your fault. No matter how bad it may be, you didn’t cause it. Your spouse should know the good, bad and the ugly and discern that you are not your family history. #MrMrsBetterHalf
22. The thing about secrets is that they always come out and will always hurt the people you love. It is true that some people have gone to the grave with their secrets but sometimes that is even worse! #MrMrsBetterHalf
23. There are so many stories of husbands whose deaths revealed “unofficial” wives and children.It is so devastating to those families to deal with the loss of a loved one in addition to his or her dishonesty. #MrMrsBetterHalf
24. Also, for those keeping secrets right now, you are living in emotional captivity. “But PG my secret is not serious. It doesn’t hurt anybody but me.” If it hurts you, it hurts your spouse. There're people who physically hurt themselves when they're depressed. #MrMrsBetterHalf
25. It doesn’t matter that it is your body, when you hurt yourself; you hurt those who love you. If you are struggling with depression, don’t keep it to yourself. Any secret that causes emotional pain should be shared. Secrecy keeps you in bondage. #MrMrsBetterHalf
26.Can you open up to your spouse or the person you plan to marry? For singles with sensitive secrets, I usually advise that you keep those big revelations for the courtship period. By courtship, I mean that you are headed to the altar. #MrMrsBetterHalf
27. You need to share a level of commitment to share certain secrets. Don’t tell deep stuff to casual dates. Also having a counsellor you are both accountable to can help you put difficult situations/secrets in perspective. #MrMrsBetterHalf
28. For married couples, what is making you secretive and hindering open communication in your marriage? Is it shame? Is it the fear that your spouse will leave you? Is it your ego? You don’t want to lose face? #MrMrsBetterHalf
29. Are you simply used to being secretive? Or do you have the habit of being deceptive and you just can’t seem to break it? Is it ignorance? Have you always believed that in marriage, not everything needs full disclosure? #MrMrsBetterHalf
30. Is it a fear that your spouse will take advantage of you? Or is there simply little trust in your marriage? Also do some introspection. Are you the one in your own way? Can your spouse readily confide in you? #MrMrsBetterHalf
31.If you're the problem, you have got to change. Your spouse needs to be able to trust you with his/her heart. Whatever the case may be, take deliberate steps to further open communication lines with your spouse. Don't let your spouse stumble on your secrets. #MrMrsBetterHalf
32.Here are some pointers on your way to becoming more honest and vulnerable with your spouse. A) Practice vulnerability. Start being more open with your spouse about the little things. Build trust. #MrMrsBetterHalf
33.B) Don’t overwhelm your spouse unless he/she is ready. Don’t dump all your secrets at once. Start small. C) Don’t be discouraged by a negative reaction from your spouse. Don’t regret being honest. #MrMrsBetterHalf
34.D) Pray continually. Ask God to help you and your spouse be more open and build trust in your marriage. Being secretive is a sure way to keep a wall between you and your partner. It is a foolish practice. #MrMrsBetterHalf
35. I hope this has been helpful to you. I will be back next week with another topic. Until then, thanks for following, participating and RTing. Remember to check out my relationship course for singles and married at amarecourse.com
36. May your marriages and relationships be sweet! #MrMrsBetterHalf
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