Thread by @gradydoctor

1/
Hospital F/U, 11:40AM

It a little bit sound like the Charlie Brown-cartoon-grown-up voice. All wobbled up and hard for somebody to understand. I keep looking at her and she looking at me. I'm smiling so she won't think I'm confused.

But I am.

*names and details changed

2/
Big, weird words for no reason keep throwing me off. She seem like she in a hurry, too. At some point, I just said bump it. I'll just see if that lady at the pharmacy can help me.

Keep smiling. Smiling while she looking over all my pill bottles.

3/
Her: "This one's renal protective. Plus there's the added benefit of ventricular remodeling with your heart failure."

Heart failure?

She set that bottle down after she said that part. And it felt like a door slamming on me. Right in my face.

Me: "Uh huh."

4/
Her: "You with me, Mr. Allen?"

I just nod 'cause I don't want her to start over.

Now. What the hell do RENOPROTECTIVE mean anyway? I don't know. But she been talking so much and for so long that I don't even want to ask.

But she seem like she care.

She do.

5/
Her: "So, we'll keep the ACE on board. I also think it's a good idea to switch this atenolol to Coreg. I have no idea what you were doing on that with your EF."

Because y'all prescribed it when I was in the hospital, that's why.

Me: "Okay, then."

6/
Her: "Carvedilol is the better beta blocker for patients with heart failure. So I think we'll get the most bang for our buck there."

I thought you just said a different name. Now I'm confused.

Me: "Okay."

7/
Now she studying all my pill bottles like somebody gon' test her on 'em later. I kind of have to pee but hopefully we almost finished.

Her: "How long have you been on this clonidine?"

Now she's looking at the bottle and her face is all twisted like I did something.

Shit.

8/
I take the bottle and look at it.

Me: "That's from when I was in the hospital."

"Uggh. I hate clonidine. What the heck were these guys thinking? Clonidine? Atenolol? Are you kidding me?"

I don't think them questions was for me.

9/
Here's what I just decided. It make me kinda uneasy when one doctor make it seem like another doctor ain't doing right by you. Seem to me like everybody need to get on one page.

Her: "Well we're stopping that anyway."

*typing*

Her: "You still smoking?"

Shit.

10/
Me: *silent*
Her: "I can smell cigarettes on you, sir. You can tell me."

She laughed. I did not.

I smell onions and garlic from your lunch break but I didn't just call your ass out on it. Damn.

Me: "I cut back a lot, though."
Her: "What's 'cut back a lot' that mean?"

11/
Me: "A pack last me 3 days now. That's a lot less."

Now that part was true. Last time she was pushing me to make a 'quit date' and to get her off my back I just went on and said I'd quit on my birthday. That day came and went.

'Cause I wasn't ready.

12/
Her: "Okay. We can set another quit date? Maybe use some nicotine replacement. How's that sound?"

It sound good for somebody ready to quit. Want to and ready to is 2 different thangs. Plus I heard them nicotine patches make your skin break out and make you feel all jittery.

13/
She looking all up in my face so I better not say nothing, though.

Me: "I guess that's okay."
Her: "Okay, great." *squints at this calendar on the wall* "What do you think about Thanksgiving?"
Me: "What do I think about it?"
Her: "Yes. As a quit date?"

Thanksgiving?

14/
Here's what I think:

I think I'm gon' have me some pie and loosen up my belt buckle after a big plate of food. I think I'm gon' play some spades and dominoes with my people and we gon' talk shit and drink Jim Beam. And smoke.

That's what I think about Thanksgiving.

15/
Me: "That might be a little soon."
Her: "Hmm. Okay. How about Christmas?"

How about changing the subject? How 'bout you recognizing that we do the same thing on Christmas as we do on Thanksgiving?

Her: "What do you say?"

I say I'm tired of holding my urine.

Me: "Okay."

16/
The last part involve something about this colon test I have coming up in a month. I don't even remember saying I wanted that test. Or us talking about it.

Her: "It's only every 10 years. Unless they find a polyp or like . . . a mass."

A mass?

My head was hurting now.

17/
Her: "So that's on the 22nd, okay?"
Me: "That's fine, ma'am."

*typing*

Me: "Are we just about finished up? I want to get to this pharmacy, you know."

And to this bathroom.

Me: "Plus my son waiting on me, you know, and he got to get on to work."
Her: "Absolutely."

18/
Typed some more. Said a few more things. Then when she was done with all of that she reached out and touched my hand.

Her: "I love taking care of you, Mr. Allen. I hope you know that."

I smiled because that was kind.

Me: "I like you, too, doctor."

19/
Her: "Let me know if there's ever anything I can do to take better care of you, okay?"

She still got her hand on my hand and she looking all in my face like she really want to hear what I got to say. And man, I do got so much stuff to say today.

Man, I do.

20/
Like:

Slow down. And I don't know what you mean by RENOPROTECTIVE and COMPELLING DATA and VENTRICULAR REMODELING. So choose some other words.

And

You can NOT say nothing bad 'bout the other doctor that saw me in the hospital. And let me see how I feel about cigarettes.

21/
You can NOT scare and confuse the shit out of me by saying something about a mass on my colon.

You can know that even though I can read and write it DON'T mean I get all that you sayin'. You can remember that when you talk to me. All that. That would make it better for me.

22/
It would. It really would.

But that's a lot. And saying all that would make my son wait longer in that waiting area and my bladder almost explode. Plus it might hurt her feelings 'cause Lord knows it seem like she thinking hard and long about me.

So I just smile again.

23/
Me: "Okay, Dr. Manning. I sure will."
Her: "Alright, sir. See you in 3 months?"
Me: "Yes, ma'am. 3 months."

***
I imagine myself privy to the voices in my patients' heads. Especially on those busy & pressured days.

Then, I vow to do better.

Yeah.

#growthmindset 👊🏾💛