Thread by @the_voidcrew

Just a heads up i'm gonna do a mini rant on here -
There could be some touchy subjects in it, and i'll thread the whole thing -so if you're a bit on the sensitive end (valid btw.) - try not to read it unless you like being poked in the brain. CONTINUE ON DEAR READERS!

Ok this has to do with #plural #osdd #ActuallyAutistic and #ADHD - (Plural/OSDD and Autism are self diagnoses, though both have been semi recognized under the table by professionals - my ADHD still isn't entirely recognized)

Ok now that we have those two things out of the way let's go to the core of it. *Pun intended btw.* - It's been two months. Two months since we started being slowly more open about everything. Two months since the anxiety seizures have MOSTLY gone away.

But it's also been two months since what we're just assuming, with good reason - since we lost the core of what you'd call a "SYSTEM". If you're wondering wtf i'm talking about plurality for check my pinned tweet. Anyways - it's been two months.

Two months of trying to act like i'm OK, like i'm not grieving. Like it's not like we lost a real human being on the outside. We've had people fade off into nothing and do stupid shit, but you move on when you're young dumb and stupid with this stuff -

We lost the original one that took on the name Kieran. The fact that i've had to for two months use that name because it's less confusing than explaining the whole situation is extremely difficult. Kieran didn't "die" by his own hands - he was already fading long before this.

We'd finished writing the first book just over two months back. He'd been struggling being the front runner, the one doing the day to day. Don't forget, he'd gotten us through two abusively shit jobs, and three years of design school.

But he didn't see it. He kept going, he kept trying to go forth. In the last six years or so we'd split more times than i can actually remember. Part of it's sanity, and part of it's because we're collectively the writing machine behind Cathartic Nightmare..

But you can see it in how not only he split versions of himself - but others that entered and walked in to protect us. Others that play an important role in the book, but also play an important role in helping keep the scaffolding up while we sort ourselves.

Kieran as who he was became distant, and started trying not to fight with people. He was afraid, and he had little strength left to keep from losing it. He let the anxiety rule him, and the anxiety seizures were at an all time high again.

He was gone before our subathon. He was gone before he'd had a chance to finish planning it. Talking like this you'd think it was another physical person outside the headspace that's gone..

That's because when there was five, and now only four - While we're all versions of the outside and each other? We call each other brothers. We do it in the books, and we did it and do it in the headspace. Rana, Justin, Kieran, Ryan and Me? Brothers.

Kieran used to attest this - question it maybe? based on the fact that several names we've picked up for people are names mom had picked out for children she'd lost to miscarriages. Ryan Christopher, that's Rye. I'm Kristoff, and sure my middle name isn't Ryan ...

But it's a play on Ryan's name and Rana's. Rana and I spent time fighting over middle names last year - I got Daithi (A play on Davey/David in Celtic) and he got Eri (which again is celtic but i can't remember what it means)

Kieran's name was chosen half by mom and half by him when Kieran was the only "WEASEL" as we joke - because before he was Kieran it was Justin. Which is where we come to the splitting off - Kieran split himself off one last time after Rana and I - and Justin re appears.

Justin wasnt' a name mom liked, so Kieran picked Kieran and spent three years drumming it into his head so much that he used it on the inside eventually. (Much to Saitou's dismay, because it got really weird)

Justin's book name is Justin David Terrance (hahahah which is why i'm Kristoff Daithi, because despite being the younger theoretically - i'm as much if not more of an asshole than Justin is XD) but he would've been Justin Ellis on the outside.

I know it's easy to find our birth name on thte internet here and it's literally not secret - but Justin would've been Justin Ellis Haldeman, and he and Kieran would've been the last to attach to the birth surname. Rana, Ryan and I all use our book last names.

Kieran Elias, and Justin Ellis.
Justin doesn't remember picking that middle name, and by rights after losing Kieran, he doesn't want anything to do with it so he doesn't drive anyone nuts.

The downside to all of this is, it didn't just effect me, or my brothers or anyone else in the headspace. I'm sure it effected someone we don't talk to anymore (who mutually we 've blocked each other lol) - but also, it effected our baby sister on the outside.. Bean.

I am not saying any of this to take pot shots at Kieran. I'm done doing the "It was my fault" end of the greiving. I'm only using his name on the outside because 1. it's less confusing and 2. It's what he would want.

And who am i to piss off a mostly faded off asshole :P

*I jest, we all miss the brat. But i'm trying to be done being depressed about everything. I was given the torch to do a chunk of the front running, and I was letting everyone down laetly. As cute as it is when unknowns walk to the front and don't let you know?

It's a little hard when you're used to running a smooth ship where it's MOSTLY known who fronts and who does what. So when your headspace sends your child (headspace, not RL) to the front because nobody's watching what they're doing? Things get a little weird lol.

It's now canon in the books about Kieran, but i won't legit explain it all XD i mean - i'm not here to explain the whole damn plot in one tweet thread. Just that this is how shit rolls, things smack us in the face and it becomes canon.

I'm the winged multi eye colored cat eared, cat tailed wanker who's got a dodgy boyfriend (and i won't go into how the kids got there, that's a .. nother another tweet and tumblr tthread XD)

When we've said, in prose and poetry that WE WILL BE OK. Kieran's meant it. It's my job to uphold that. I don't care how empty i feel right now, I do have a reason to live. Those that have the kind of depression that i don't - you're not INVALID - YOU ARE VALID,

We work on a "If we don't feel like walking in front of a bus" the empty feeling we have beyond that is no biggie, we'll work beyond it. If we feel like walking in front of a bus, we'll work ON it because the mental health system here is shit. We're not a system that ...

We're not a system that has had below the waterline, level depression that was unexplainable. 90% of the time we've had reasons to uncontrollably cry or be pissed off at stupid shit.

We named ourselves the "VOID SYSTEM" because sometimes i'm screaming to the void - aka: i'm screaming at the boys because we're all in the same room in the headspace and we're all talking on max volume. We're the void crew, we're a crew we're a family.

We know NOT EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS us and so it's fucking hilarious when we show up in streams and people are like "Void/Kieran?" XD - or when it's Kira and I in the same stream and i'm in another tab and Kira's still up and they say stuff to Zor or Antonio and i'm like "You rang?"

But it's been two months.
I had to say something. I needed to.
I've been feeling like i was gonna tear myself at the edges from all the changes, and while i can't explain all of those because they're a bit over the top (the ears/tail/wings etc)

I just wanted to maybe end it with this:
The small amounts of remnants that are left of Kieran up on the inside - it wasn't like he did this on purpose. I honestly, know in everything we do as a fam/system - he's attempted to be his best.

I know we have a rotational thing, because nobody else but me likes to stream. But sometimes when we run out of brain stamina, switching happens - and we get concenred it will stress people out. That's a fear left over from Kieran, and its a valid one.

He'd deny the need to switch without asking/scheduling because of fear. Which turned the anxiety onto a stressball rotation.

So yea, i'm proud of where we're at now.
I just honestly, there's days I miss it being him at the front.

So now you know that i don't just have dysphoria about my face on the outside, i'm having grief. Because it's our outside face we shared with Kieran. Besides <_< "Kristoff Somerville" doesn't have the same ring to it, and we all agreed this

We all agreed.
We'd keep Kieran's name, not just for memory - but for ease, for everything we've ever done.
There's not much more to say in this thread.
Now you know why i've been more on edge for the last two months. <3 thank you for coming to my plural ted talk lmao.

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