Thread by @michaelharriot

When I was a kid, the head usher at my church was Sister Wilene, who was also a registered nurse. So, naturally, I assumed that–besides passing out fans & doling out seats–becoming a certified usher required some kind of medical training.

Why are you laughing? I'm dead serious?

First of all, they wear all white. I've seen white gloves and white dresses in stores, but I have NEVER seen an usher section in Footlocker or a Pastors' Anniversary sale at Rack Room! Where else would one buy white, thick-soled usher loafers except at nursing supply stores?

Plus, whenever there was a Holy Ghost fainting episode or if the mother of the church's "sugar" got low, Sister Wilene would spring into action. It mostly involved waving a fan until couldn't tell MLK's face on the front of the fan from Hines Funeral Home ad on the back

Then you dabbed them with a smidgen of anointing oil and pleaded the blood until they were revived. I know this sounds simple, but to an 8-year-old who was kinda scared of the Holy Ghost, this was an actual medical procedure. It was Jesus' version of the Heimlich maneuver.

And of course, I assumed the "Usher Board" was in charge of licensing. They even had meetings! WTF would the usher board be meeting about except to acquaint themselves with the latest advancements in church-related healthcare? What else would they be doing?

Counting seats? Practicing the timing on when they should release the doorknob during the deacon's prayer? Running collection plate drills?

Nah, the usher squad must've been involved in high-level prayer-cloth training. Had to be.

Until my sister busted her head.

It was a pastor's anniversary service, so EVERYONE was there. After the service, my youngest sister took off her patent leather church shoes and was racing a group of boys who were racing from one end of the parking lot to the other.

You must understand this about Black folks:

There is absolutely nothing that will gather Black people together like a foot race. It's the ultimate contest. Black folks will get up out of a casket at their own funeral if the right two people race. So of course, everyone wanted to see this.

But, because it was the pastor's anniversary, Sis. Wilene wasn't with that heathen shit. She blocked that sanctuary exit like she was Hodor on Game of Thrones. She didn't give a damn if you held up 1 finger (which, everyone knows is Black church sign language for "I gotta pee")

So everyone was stuck inside except the ones that managed to escape before Sis. Wilene cockblocked the Church Olympic sprint finals.

My sister still raced, though. She was so far ahead that she had to turn back to see them! That's when everything went wrong.

She had misjudged or forgotten the telephone pole at the end of the parking lot, and ran right into it. Just as Wilene released the door following the benediction, my sister hit that telephone headfirst and those frilly-socked feet flew in the air.

But Sis. Wilene couldn't leave

She had to collect the fans. There's no way she was gonna let these non-regular members flee the Lord's house with all those free fans. This was the Pastor's Anniversary batch–the stiff ones with Harriet Tubman on the front.

So my sister is laid out in the parking lot.

There's no one there to dab her with anointing oil or plead the Blood. She was gonna die...

Until Sis. McDuffie stepped in! Sis. McDuffie was an OG usher board member. She was older than Sis. Wilene & had been the previous head usher before the great Sis. Wilene Usher Board Coup

(I'm sure you've heard about it in your church announcements)

Sis McDuffue stepped in, kneeled over my sister with no anointing oil or fan, placed her hands on both my sister's shoulders and performed a procedure I had never seen before.

She shook the SHIT out of my sister!

What the fuck kind of bootleg Usher Care was this? I knew it wasn't in the usher training manual! This is why she lost her job! I wanted to tell them to get this unqualified usher off my sister before I filed an usher malpractice suit against the entire board!

But I was only 9

So we had to take my sister to the hospital and it turned out she had a concussion.

But I didn't blame the pole. I didn't blame the pastor or his anniversary. I blamed the poor licensing and training process of the Usher Industrial Complex. This was their fault.

I held a grudge against Sis. McDuffie for years. She was not disbarred from the usher board. She was still allowed to pass out fans. They even let her continue to treat Holy Ghost faints!

She didn't even have to turn in her official usher badge or stop wearing white shoes!

I later found out that ushers don't require medical training. I was appalled!

I needed to inform the Saints of God. I told everyone: "Did you know that 99 percent of ushers don't have medical training? The only connection they have with nurses is the uniform!"

Apparently, I was the only one who had this misconception because every time I shared this information, the person listening would look at me as if I was an idiot.

Can we all agree that ushers LOOK like nurses? So why am I the stupid one for thinking ushers know nurse shit?

Being mad or shocked that an usher doesn't know anything shit about nursing is dumb as fuck. In fact, I can only think of one thing stupider than that:

Believing Sage Steele actually knows shit about Black people.