My dad was absent because, in the very beginning, he was inconsistent. I was a baby and in my toddler years and he was in and out. My mama set a boundary that she wasn’t going to allow him access to me if he wasn’t gon be consistent. Instead of stepping up, he disappeared.
I have no memories of him whatsoever. At one point, his aunt was my babysitter when I was a baby. I don’t even remember that, obviously.

When my mama set the boundary, he was out. He didn’t want the accountability of consistency. He also didn’t want her telling him what to do.
Of course his absence affected me. He was supposed to be in my life. We’re dishonest when we say a parent’s absence doesn’t have an impact. It does.

At the same time, my mother believed his absence in my life was better than his inconsistency. I respect that.
As an adult, I can say I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with his disappearing act AND I wish he was a present, active person in my life.

I don’t think I gotta choose one over the other. Both are my realities.
Parents who set boundaries to protect their children from harm are doing the right thing. The blame isn’t theirs. It’s the parent who isn’t doing what they’re supposed to do.
I will say I hope more parents are setting boundaries to protect their children and not being guilted into giving access where it has not been earned and is not healthy. Keep unhealthy parents away from kids. As difficult as it is, it’s really that simple.
And I hope people who are present in the lives of inconsistent parents don’t make it easy for them. They need to be held accountable for not being who their kids need them to be.

I believe in grace but yall need to shame their asses.

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh
 

Keep Current with Candice Marie Benbow

Candice Marie Benbow Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

PDF

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @CandiceBenbow

11 Oct
I agree. I’ve been reading the comments and messages I’ve received since I posted this.

Parents working through the emotions of setting such a boundary. Adult children working through the emotions of such a boundary needing to be set and the other parent not stepping up.
Honestly, I don’t think much of the conversation about unhealthy parents is helpful or productive these days. Too much of it is finger pointing and trying to determine which unhealthy parent is worse. How does that actually help?!
And I also think too many of us who had absent parents want to act like their absence didn’t affect us when it really did.

You can be a healthy, fully functioning adult and still have areas of your life impacted by an absent parent.

Several truths can exist at once.
Read 24 tweets
11 Oct
…made my smoothie this morning and bout cried. LOL

It’s been three weeks since Charlie came home and I still haven’t gotten back to my “normal” routine.
From trying to figure my new workout time (5am workouts are a wrap…thanks Charlie) to puppy-proofing my house to ensuring I spend enough time with him so he knows he’s safe (and can’t poop inside), I am EXHAUSTED!
…add to that, my office is currently in disarray because shelving and storage are being built. I feel like everything is ALL OVER THE PLACE!
Read 5 tweets
9 Oct
I set a goal to lose 40 pounds before my 40th birthday. In addition to this dating detox, I’m also on a sugar fast. I’m down 16 pounds.

As a result, my third eye is open. And all it wants this morning is a pecan waffle. 🥴 🤣
In all seriousness, if you’re single and/or noticing a slight unhealthy relationship with sugar, I would really recommend doing the detox or the fast, or both.

I’m learning a lot about myself as a result of both of them.
I’m still using Wendy Speake’s 40-day sugar fast devotional and incorporated some other readings to make it culturally relevant and applicable for me.
Read 5 tweets
19 Aug
There are a lot of folks coming for deconstruction as of late. Deconstructing faith matters. Stop listening to those who seek to tell you deconstruction is all about finding ways to justify “sin”.
Be very clear: the critique of deconstruction is rooted in Whiteness, no matter who voices the critique. Deconstruction is about shifting the balance of power.
It has always been about enabling the most vulnerable and marginalized to draw closer to a God who values them as they are and readied the world for their survival and thriving.
Read 10 tweets
25 Jul
It’s really amazing to me how comfortable White women are with acting as if Black women don’t exist.

You can’t chronicle what Christian women leaders were doing to liberate/galvanize women in the pews and exclude BW- especially Renita Weems among others.

newyorker.com/news/on-religi…
And I get this piece is about Barr’s book (which I’ve read by the way). But the article itself speaks to a much larger issue: Black women are largely excluded from these conversations and the work they’ve done wholly ignored.
Ain’t no way you gon tell me you’re having an honest conversation about how church women wrestle with gender roles and not include Renita Weems’ ENTIRE body of work. Like…women were actually reading her in groups and re-evaluating their whole lives. That’s part of THIS history.
Read 14 tweets
11 Jul
At the beginning of June, I reached out to some folks and told them about the book project I’m currently working on. Unlike my other trade press book projects that just need a proposal to get an offer, the publisher will need to see this completed project.
So I told them the resources I need to make it happen and asked them to support.

A few days ago, someone sponsored one of the theological commentaries I’m using and said, “thank you for asking us to support you. It means so much that you would allow us to hold you in this way.”
I don’t know why that hit me but it did. It reminded of something my LS said to me when I was venting about how hard certain moves are. “Candice, honestly, who knows you need help? You get frustrated because it’s hard but you don’t tell anybody that you don’t know how to do it.”
Read 9 tweets

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us on Twitter!

:(