Thread by @CandiceBenbow

I agree. I’ve been reading the comments and messages I’ve received since I posted this.

Parents working through the emotions of setting such a boundary. Adult children working through the emotions of such a boundary needing to be set and the other parent not stepping up.

https://twitter.com/ShenelleJackso1/status/1447585743388364801

Honestly, I don’t think much of the conversation about unhealthy parents is helpful or productive these days. Too much of it is finger pointing and trying to determine which unhealthy parent is worse. How does that actually help?!

And I also think too many of us who had absent parents want to act like their absence didn’t affect us when it really did.

You can be a healthy, fully functioning adult and still have areas of your life impacted by an absent parent.

Several truths can exist at once.

I think what’s most helpful is to name the spaces where that absence impacted us—even as we honor that parent’s absence in our lives was for the absolute best. There’s space for that and we need to explore it.

And the parent who has to set the boundary needs support and reassurance they’re doing the right thing. I know that guilt may be heavy but I hope our words, as adult children, now are helping them find peace.

One last thing I’ll say: at lot of folks publicly and privately took issue with me saying I believe unhealthy parents should be shamed. Many of them said I didn’t factor in what those parents are/were dealing with that lead them to be unhealthy.

I get that. I really do.

I also know that everybody is dealing with something and, in marginalized communities, that “something” could be *some things*.

Still, that doesn’t excuse you from taking responsibility.

Our responsible, present parents were/are dealing with something, too. What if they would have checked out on raising us?

What then?

Where do we draw the line and why should children bear that burden?

Some of us had parents who battled with addiction. Some of us had parents who suffocated under the weight of being Black in America. Some of us had parents who didn’t know WTH to do so they did nothing.

I get it. That still doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have had a parent, tho.

I believe grace enables us to understand what people are going through and why they made certain decisions.

I don’t believe grace absolves of responsibility and accountability.

As an adult, there is room for me to understand how certain choices or a lack of certain experiences in his life may have led my father to make the decision he did not to parent me. In that same room, though, I firmly know he should have made a different decision.

As an adult, I know that my father cannot undo what he has done in the past. And I also know that, as the child he abandoned, the responsibility is largely on him to create and nurture a relationship between us.

And as a person who has experienced heartbreak and disappointment, I know that I must extend profound grace and empathy to my mother as she navigated a broken heart and disappointment—which may have led to possible spiteful actions towards the one who hurt her—while raising me.

My mother was human. As she was protecting me, she was also protecting herself and making sense of what it meant to have been wounded and disappointed. It’s messy and it’s real.

And even then, for me, the lion’s share of my compassion is hers because she stayed and raised me.

What absent/inconsistent parents don’t realize is there’s not going to come a day when we as kids “understand” why you weren’t there. Because there are options and alternatives to make seeing us possible. Rarely will children side against the present parent for the absent one.

And notice I’m talking about absent and inconsistent parents and didn’t gender it.

Some children have been harmed as much by their mothers’ absence and inconsistency as we have our fathers’.

To children of unhealthy parents: I hope you give yourself the space to be honest about how your absent/inconsistent parent impacted you and I hope you work to heal that space so you can fully thrive without hinderance or interruption.

If you have a parent who set a boundary keeping an unhealthy parent from you, I hope you find the grace to understand why they did it and how they truly believed it was in your best interest.

If your parent didn’t set a boundary and you wish they had, I hope you find the grace to understand why they didn’t and accept that, in some way, they thought leaving that door open was in your best interest, too.

I hope we all understand that there’s no easy answer to parenting by yourself—especially when you’re not supposed to—especially when you’re dealing with the shame, grief, trauma and pain that comes with the fact that you’re doing it.

And so I make no apologies for not overextending myself to make unhealthy parents feel better about not being well and choosing not to do what they need to do to be better…present…consistent…healthy.

Because I know what’s at stake. There will be a child fighting battles that were never theirs to fight. And there will be a parent doing the same. And both will question their worth and dignity in ways that may not be known to others but they will. And it will never be right.

The legal system is available.

Mediation is there.

Hell, I’ve even seen friends, family, teachers, counselors, youth orgs and even clergy step up to help folks hash out custody arrangements so they can stay out of courts.

More avenues are available than ever before.

Parents, figure it out and step up. It’s really that simple.

The two of you may not have worked and that’s okay. Do what you need to do to heal from that so you can move on to better love.

But be a parent. Full stop. Be a parent.